Life is Fair

Emptiness came without an invitation
leading a soul alone and despair
searching for that gate to heaven
for its time to give up 'cause it's no longer there.

Crawling to every passage
lighted or dark
just to seek for another soul, or,
another place
where life is actually fair.

A soul still hurting and wandering everywhere
facing obstacles; if not strong
one day would tear
tear out all pieces and puzzles
of experience and some assumed answers,
all disappearing through thin air.

The search must go on.
The soul must find peace
peace within itself, and,
peace with the existing life.

Walked and walked
travelled countless distance
still seeking for that other soul, or,
yet another place;
A place where life is fair
assuming only then that soul could rest in peace.

As 4 seasons past
that soul finally rest
altho it settled for something a little less;
Accepted the fact that it would not be the best.

This soul accepted life as it is;
This soul once had peace within;
And at the highest point
this soul found the gates to heaven
only from a distance
instantly ending it's life with doubts of life's fairness.

A soul's life is written
way before it's creation, and,
paragraphed in a manner
showing life is fair even with the attached emotions.

But this other soul managed to rest in peace
this other soul never gave up, not only,
accepted life as it is, or,
possessed peace within even just for that ONE time, or,
had found the gates of heaven also from a distance.
This other soul had the will;
A will to go through it all
bearing all the emotions
with a solid mind and thinking, that,
life is fair.

After all;
If life wasn't actually fair
my life would not be written before creation
for me to have written this.

Speak my mind

Hmmm, I'm just so lost. Plan A didn't work, and smart me I didn't plan Plan B. So now I'm stuck. Btw, this is in general. I'm stuck in every way.

Let's start with my career. Just heard about how MAS is revising all contract crew latest by January 8th, 2008. They'll let go the one's with bad records. IM SO FUCKED! And well, I thought I got a second chance but well I guess I didn't get that second chance yet. It's so stressful. I'm stuck, and I just dont know what to fucking do. Sometimes I just wish I could talk to my family about this, but I'm shitless scared. And it's gonna bring them down, especially MUM! No point regretting, but I'm just hoping and praying that I do get a second chance. I want to start fresh, and prove it that I could do it! PLS PLS PLS. I cant afford to ruine anything now, or anytime.

FAMILY is another problem. I feel like just going away again, because I know I just cant handle the stress and pressure that's put on me. But I also know that they need me, and I'm not going to repeat the same mistake I did before. HOW? FUCKING HOW? I thought everything would fall into place, but it's not and if it doesn't get better I see a breakdown soon; I CANT AFFORD THAT! I really don't know what to anymore, I'm blank. What some more ways are there? Sometimes I wish I have my mum's strength, to go through all this. I'm already using losing it, and I'm so fragile and vulnerable now that anything could happen. I dont want to say something that I would regret for the rest of my life, and keeping it in a bottle just doesn't help. The bottle pun got no space already. It's gonna burst if nothing is done! HELP! FUCKING HELP!!

And the least important in my life now but in every way its affecting me and I just don't know why, MY FUCKING LOVE LIFE! Let someone love you more then you love them. What if I know, I will never get to love them? What do I say? Should I say it? After he confesses his love to me? Why must he do that? Now, the guilty concious is kicking in so badly and as normal, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! And I just don't want to run anymore. Maybe I should give it a try, but my heart is just not allowing me too, and it's not allowing him to get in. A heart has a mind of it's own sometimes, and I just wish I could control that mind. *sigh

15 selected; 2 gentlemens & 13 ladies.

That 2 gentlemens wasnt me or Ricky. Well I guess we tried. But this is the best part, 2 ladies from the selected 13 is working with the company that handle's Etihad's recruitment. Weird eyh? When she sat at our table, and when "..aren't you working with the company.." question popped out, she answered in a very gelabah way. And then I guess she realized that a few of us at the table rolled their eyes; so she automatically took out a statement "..but only for a month..". (obviously we know why she suddenly said it, without anyone asking)

And I didn't get it, there was only 1 Indian (punjaby maybe), 1 Malay, and the rest was chinese. 2 experience crew and the rest were freshies. And it strictly said for the ladies, "attire:formal/working knee length skirt ....................... strictly no pants" but guess what, the experience crew that was selected was using pants. I really dont get it, but I guess rules are meant to be broken then.

Oh well, guess tak de rezeki la tuh. Nvm, we can always try again. It doesnt need to be Etihad, right? There's Singapore Airlines next month if I'm not mistaken. Try je la.

241107

Its a big date! Damn it! Im so fucking scared guys! I haven't been for a formal interview for so fucking long! I'm losing my confidence man! LOSING IT! HELP!

WISH ME LUCK YEA!

Its been sleepless nights for me.

Damn, I'm working in 2 hours. And still I haven't had enough sleep. Tdo, bangun, tdo, bangun.

2 more fucking days til "the" interview! And honestly I'm scared. I'm very confident that I get a place in Etihad, but there's this small voice in my head saying I wont. And I dont know how I'm gonna handle this rejection. I want the job. I really do. I want a fresh a new start; MAKING THINGS RIGHT IS WHAT I WANT! And I'm hoping and praying that I do get this "2nd chance". And I'll prove it that I'll make it this time.

I fucked it up big time with my current job, and I guess not only this job, even my studies. I want this "2nd chance" so I could straighten my life out. Get everything back in order in my life, and most importantly help out my family which I have always wanted to do but I just could not afford it. My family has work my ass for me, and well soon they would be tired. And by that time I'll make sure I could afford all the assistants needed.

If I do get the job, I know it's gonna be hard for me to leave my family and them letting me go but I hope they understand that sacrifices must be made. You cant have everything you want. I'm wiling to make that sacrifice, not just for my family but for me, MYSELF! And hours before this my friend said something "..stop thinking about your friends, now its about you. You know you want the job, so take it and go for it! Dont push back because of your friends, if they are your friends they'll support you all the way.." I'm hoping that my friends do support me with this.

It's gonna be a big change in my life, and I want that change and I know that this change would be for the better. Insya-allah.

Tragedi Atrium!

OMG guys, AWIE was in da house! DAMN he looked damn fine. Be my daddy please..

Camera's were flashing, We were still ROCKIN'! pt II

Ok lets start from the left yea? Me, Nabz, Emma, Is @ going-to-be-hubby, Me, Chong @ Shahrul, Rashdan. (ok the camera was abit shaky since Nabz tak pandai tangkap gambar but Is is so cute..)

Me, Zam (a new friend we met!), Me, Princess, Rashdan, Ayun, Linda, Nadia, Me, and yang terselit kat tepi and bawah is Ayun and Raj.

Rashdan, Lyn, Me, Lyn, Sophia, Me, Nabz.

And most definitely STARZ of the night, Mr. Izzyaezy, Ms. Alia B & Ms. Lynfunkstar!

"we hate the lights, it makes us a star!"

My god, how could i forget we met AWIE! AWIE! LOL* Took pics with him, but I dont know whose camera! I WANT IT! And I'm telling you Lyn was wet the second she saw him! LOL* And my my, I kiss alot of girls yesterday, damn! And I topped BEST KISS! P E R A S A N!

Camera's were flashing, We were still ROCKIN'!

Damn good night man! Its 0630am and Azan Subuh pun dah didengar and I just got home man! I swear I'm gone, but LOL today it wasn't me who OD'd! LINDA and NADIA! LOL* Tulaa duk kutuk aku lagi, baru tau! Camera's were everywhere, but we still were rockin'!

7 or 8 bottles guys? Can't remember but damn there was this bitch that I just HATE! My god, she was shaking and darling your love handles, no WAIT it was your excess FATS flying everywhere! Wrong place to be darling, ATRIUM ain't a whore place, go to Beach Club; YOU MIGHT GET LUCKY, and I'm gonna repeat this particular word; MIGHT!

Ricky is now currently seeing this guy, lets call him 'R'. Don't want to create anymore controversy kan? But yea 'R'. Hehe, I knew they were gonna head there. And to think 'R' has been in the picture for so long, straight some more! (i know, it was a big joke to me to when he said he was straight! BELIEVE ME! Love you 'R'!)

Lyn went off with someone, and she's not telling who. Actually I know who, but she didn't say what she did. But when she came back; she was messed up! DIRTY WHORE!

Most important, I think I found "the one", Is. I think he is gonna proposed to me soon. Or I'll make sure he proposes to me. Hehe. Crossing my fingers! And to Nabz thanks for bringing him out man, and your man is fine bitch! Chong or Shahrul wei? I was so confused on whether to call him Chong or Shahrul! LOL*

I WANT IS! IS IS MINE!!!! FUCK OFF ALL YOU PPL!!!
(if I find out one of you bitches try to get him, I swear you would actually know the real meaning of a controversy/drama/Izmil's mouth/BITCH! Kidz ya'll!)

Hehe, we got date this 24Th and he promised that we gonna PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR! (and I'm hoping by then he realizes that I'm the one for him and then he falls in love with me and we live happily ever after!) And this time party is at Langat, imagine! MUST ATTEND! Now now, I need to sleep, will post up beautiful pics tmrw! I mean later.

Just for the record.

"It ends tonight.." or "it just ended.." meaning..

Not the relationship that we had together because I know it ended way before the 2 yrs, but what ended was YOU. I would have been much much better of without you in my life. (this is prolly the bitter side of me talking..) It's hard for me to do, sad but true its the only way for me to move on.

This is where I realize that I love you too much.

Thanks Khad for listening and talking to me. You always know what to say.

Khad : You reckon you'll be alright if your ex blogs about you? Bad and good?
Good question Khad, but you see they dont need blog to do it. Without me doing anything they still talk. I show my flaws and bad sides, I dont hide it. I want people to accept me for my good and bad. I dont potray innocence, you all should know that.

So then comes the question..

Why do I have to publish someone else's dirty laundry?
Self satisfaction? NOPE! Its because, I still care. As what Khad said, "..you moved on when you no longer care.." .

ONCE A BITCH, ALWAYS A BITCH!

Pertaining to this matter, this would be my last post. It's time I stop caring because at the end of the day it's me that's hurting and not you.

CHEERS!

(what a peaceful day.. And I got called back for another interview with ETIHAD! YAY! Wish me luck!)

People ask why am I a BITCH?

Simple. Because I've got people like all of you to keep up to. Think about it, you've prolly met bigger bitchest that I am. So why is there such a big fuss of my RE-VAMP-BITCH-ATTITUDE? Why I decided to do this? Because of bitterness. Why be so humble and nice and all sweet bullshit when you know you have the power to conquer and destroy!? LOL* Just kidding yea. No I mean, people at the end of the day wont care about your feelings but theirs. SO why do you have to be the nice one and bother about theirs?

I'm not saying dont care about theirs, but always think about yourself first then others? Besides your real friends, and family who else do you have man? YOU AND YOURSELF!

Enough of trying to be nice, and innocent but in the back your just this evil bitch trying to break out! Just be yourself and ignore the judging and criticism from others. As long as your friends and family accept you the way you are and well hopefully your "lover" or "partner" accept it than i guess its cool kan? Dont change the way you are, if its for someone else. If your a BITCH and stick with being a bitch. Fuck them, who needs them anyway! :)

Surprisingly, my latest post is even hot among some crew. LOL* And question ask to me today was, "..why did you change? Why suddenly so bitter and angry?.." And honestly sweethearts, I've always been this way, I toned down for awhile thinking Im all settled and bullshit and not realizing that I toned down because of someone else and not because of myself. So now I want to be myself, whether you like it or not. Im just a bitch, and I bitch at the right time.

Just for the record, I dont want war but peace within. So this is my peace within! Im done!

Cheers! :)

Hotstuff? Controversy? Izmil's mouth?

Apparently after my latest post, people have been reading this blog of mine.

SO? Im a ruthless bitch who dont fucking care about anyone's feeling but myself. And if I dont care about my fucking feelings than fucking who would? ANSWER ME!? WOULD YOU? WOULD ANYONE?

We're talking about feelings and so suddenly you cared about mine? WHY? After all I've written now you wanna preach about my blog?

"The last sentence in the blog says after 1 year I will cheat. May I ask who cheated after just one month?.." Please dont get me started on that. This actually gives me a wake up call that it's over, and its finally over. I'm happy that I've said what I said and I'm happy that its finally over, but I'm sad that today I've finally realized that I wasted my love to someone who I barely even know. NEVER AGAIN!

Peace man, and take care whoever you are. If you people think that my blog is obscene and vulgar than DONT FUCKING READ IT!

"Pls pls pls Izmil, control your emortions next time, we are friends?.." LOL* Boggest joke! Please man, I know who my friends and I know who isn't. Enough of all the bullshit, maybe this is a good thing for me, a hard slap on my face! "..I guess all this is not worth it for you to still be stuck on,.." true Sally I totally agree. NOW.

It ends here and it ends tonight!

(sorry if anyone is hurt by all my blog, if you dont like it leave a comment or just dont read it! You wont hurt if you dont know anything about it. And I think I'm going nuts! LOL*)

Cheated; Sex over friendship?

Cheated again.

Wow some people just never learn. And I guess this time, its proven that well sex is much much more important then friendship. But well, who cares his just my ex that your trying to do. Its sad that after all that you still havent learn, and reasons you give its fucked up! Why cant you just admit, ADMIT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU FUCKING CHEAT AND NOT SOME INNOCENT FUCKER WHO DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT CHEATING IS.

Excuses like, "..i'll cheat when I know my partner cheats.." WTF? That's just way low. Childish. GROW THE FUCKING UP! Stop the innocent act and admit the fact bitch! Your innocent act wont work when they know your tracks.,

Shocked, that a friend would choose sex over a friendship. Ok, not to say that we're BFF's but respect is the word. I know, I know his just my ex; but the fact is you know I'M WAY NOT OVER HIM AND YOU COULD STILL TRY YOUR LUCK WITH HIM? You better not "terlanjur" with him because if he could do it to his apparently "love" now he could do it to anyone and trust me he could do it. That's my advise to you.

Please please please don't let me see the both of you together,. No wait, please bump in to me. I wanna see the reaction on both of your faces!! LOL* I better bring my camera along nowadays. ;-) They always say, snap a picture, it'll last you longer!

I give it 2 weeks and you'll be in love, not him but you. 3 months there will be plans for marriage and 1 year til he cheats on you. Good luck honey.

CHEERS!

Lyn, CYBERJAYA?

Cyberjaya Lyn? Wow, sanggup! :-) Oooh baby growing up already!

Caught a FLU, and I'm blaming LYN! She started the whole flu thing and it caught on to Ricky and now me! But it cleared up abit tho, because I put a lil pinch of colgate under my nose, above the upper lip. It actually work man!! Lol*

Hmmm, so now its "sayang".. How arh? Hehe., Sometimes it "baby" to. I like "baby", it sounds so sexy. Must tell him later on.

Sleeping time! Cherios!

OH GOD I'VE GOT WORK!

Damn, this HTML thingy is so confusing. I know its a bit disorientated but don't worry will do it properly soon. But it's quite ok for a beginner to do is eyh?

I've got to get ready for work, and I don't feel beautiful at all! Touch-wood, but the stomach upset is gone! YAY!

Penang layover again,. Thank god for WIFI!

Haven't received a txt yet, guess your still in the meeting! :-(
Me:I'm sorry but I'm a lil manja at times, dont know whether you would like it but I'm manja..

Him:Don't worry sayang, I'm manja too. ;-)

So now, we both can manja manja together gether kan?? LOL*

FUCK OFF GERMS!

Damn it, I think I caught germs in my body. I'm having food poisoning! And I'm so tired already. Asked Lyn whether did she caught it as well, but she said no so I dont know where this germ is from but it better hell leave because I'm working and I'm tired of going back and forth to the bathroom!

:(

Same old brand new day. *Gee

God, it has been such a tiring day. My flight got delayed and the sectors were ridiculous! My god, the company is getting better apparently on reports but I don't see which part? *sigh

Well, nothing much has been happening lately. Just the normal thingy. Meeting new people, going for parties, either home or out with the usual. Indirectly still seeking for that someone out there, cant say for eternity but just that someone to just be with me, someone I could console with, someone I could manja with, just that someone., but well, as they said the more you look; the more it just hides, places obviously you cant find. Now, I'm just chillin', living my normal daily life with a slight hope that I'll meet that someone. (just a slight hope.. you cant stop a man from hoping kan??)

As normal, another day another drama kan? Either way drama is just attracted to me. Its like its in love with me! As normal la kan, sure got drama my life. Let's see; the latest? Just drama in the household. Moving out and things like that laa, so family abit stress out. Alot of things are still kucar-kacir. Well, I blame a little bit on myself cuz I still haven't actually sat down and actually discuss everything out., I'm just scared that well you know, cakap tak seruba bikin. I know how I am, so that is why I chose to just be quiet and see how things is. Example, my career. I've already done the first step which is submitting my resume but just to Etihad. Submit with Tareq. Hoping we do get it tho,. And yes it'll be a big change in my life cuz first I'll be base in Abu Dhabi and second without my family around me. I mean fuck I wont be in the some country so yea.

I know mummy not really encouraging me to go, well being a mother right and it is quite a distance from here. She wants me to join SQ, and I've been explaining to her that I don't want to work for SQ and explaining to her the difference tp as normal she is just so degil, like me laa! I know, it's a real big step for me in my life and i know the worries and all but honestly I think this would really help me; not just for my resume and my career line but as well my perception to things in life. I want to go through this. I'm seeking for experience, I'm seeking for wisdom and if I do want to achieve that there are things that I have to sacrifice and I hate sacrificing those things but sooner or later I've got to anyways. *sigh. I'm just hoping if I do get it, first I really want the restu from both of my parents to let me go and secondly; to actually have the strength the to leave everything behind mainly my family, and my most worried problematic brother, and obviously my friends!

My family and my friends are prolly my pillar in my life. These people are 1 big reason why I'm still here and still surviving. Another person, which I'm so afraid to be apart is Ricky. He is like my brother. I think he is my soul mate. He understands me, he knows what I'm thinking, he just knows me. And after everything I've done, he is still with me and still being my strength. I did survive when he was gone to Aussie, but not this time. I think what we went through has changed my thinking. I really hope, he does get it with me. If not my family, at least him being there would be just fine.. I really love him! (not in that way, but in every other way..) I don't say that alot to him, but I know he knows how much he means to me., Soul mate for life man! Soul mate for life! (yea I know, corny but yea its true..)

OooOOo, forgot, as normal i met someone,. and yes i know you guys are bored with this topic. He so small and cute.. Imagine, he is 165cm and I'm 180cm. Alot of difference kan? He's 31yo, bald, career man, stable, Iranian Egyptian and malay, still lives with his family which is so cute. Well, his not HOT but just nice. His personality really attracts me. He's not out on the gay scene which I like, he didn't get clingy right after the date. He has his own life, and he lets me have my own as well. And most important is HE DIDN'T FALL IN LOVE! But I don't know where its heading, but I'll be lying if I said I don't mind letting it head to somewhere but at a real slow pace which what is happening right now. Getting to know stage, just on the phone, txting and all. But we both agreed to take it slow; just don't want to make a mistake. Til now, still no turn off points. I don't know cuz I don't really know him that well, and obviously he hasn't shown me his bad side so will see I guess. His not really the party type, I guess for his age his been thru all of it already. He doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs which I'M SO DEFINITELY FINE WITH! And he speaks English really well which is a point up! Ok, enough about him now. I don't want to jinx anything.

I remember there was this one time Lyn was asking Ricky ".. do you think I dont care what people say?? I do you know, I really do.." I realize, in a way me and Lyn is abit similar. You know Lyn, the reason why maybe people think we don't care is because we made people think of us that way! We are so scared to show our weakness so we fake our strength. Yes maybe we are stronger than others but I know we weak girl, we are really weak. Maybe not you, but I'm weak. I realized that I made a mistake by saying things that could lead to become my image., or something like, "..oh that's typical Izmil thing to do.." or maybe "..you've been Izmiled!.." or I don't know what some more laa. Honestly, sakit hati sometimes. Especially when they just take out statements that they think its funny but maybe to some other people its not., But I can't blame them in away as well, I've wrongly portrayed what I actually wanted to portray.

Like, for example "..are you really going for him because you like him or just because of the money..?" Sometimes I terasa when they say that. Honestly, I've never gone out with someone because of money or because of their wealth! With Johan, it was just my luck he was born rich and rich by himself, and yes at times I still do ask him for help but that's about it. Sometimes, I wish I could tell you guys the whole truth but I rather just keep things to myself., And the fact that I was with him when I was 18 so at that age, yes I wanted to live my life and I did. And in the long run, til now I admit that he still helps me and yes I know he wants me in return and he knows that it's just gonna take more than just money and things for me to get back with him., i appreciate all the things his done for me, and everyday I thank him because I know for now that is all I could afford to do..

Sometimes, I say things like, "..well his got the car and money.." but I honestly don't say it full-heartily you know. I just think that its a blonde thing to say. I mean, fuck; if I actually did go for money, do you think I would have went out with Ein? For bloody 2 years? Yes I do admit that money would be important in the long run, but my first thing I seek wouldn't be money in someone. Its a bonus if his rich but that's about it.. I don't want ppl to salah anggap that's all.. Just really terasa sometimes.., as I said i cant really blame them; my fault for putting that image! DAMN IT! Alot of things jgak laa that I really terasa, but maybe it's all karam. I've got bad karma man!

Pheww,.

You don't see me

This is a place where I sit,
this is the part where I love you too much;
Is this as hard as it gets?
'cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough.

I'm here if you want me,
I'm yours, you can hold me,
I'm empty and taken and tumbling and breakin'.

I dream of worlds where you'd understand
and I dream a million sleepless nights.
I dream of fire when you're touching my hand,
but it twists into smoke when I turn on the light.
I'm speechless and faded,
it's too complicated;
Is this how the book ends,
nothing but good friends?

'Cause you dont see me,
and you don't need me,
and you dont love me,
The way I wish you would.

So,
this is the place in my heart,
this is the place where I'm falling apart;
Isn't this just where we met?
And this is the last chance that I'll ever get.
I wish I was lonely instead of just only crystal and see-through,
and not enough to you..

Its all because you dont see me,
and you dont need me,
and obviously you dont love me,
the way I wish you would;
and the way I know you could.

An ocean away.

The sun rises beautifully at east,
and sets with loneliness at the west,
so it starts with a beautiful morning,
ends with a lonely night.

Past, present and future,
just doesn't make sense anymore,
just mere words,
written in the dictionary.

Everything is blurred out,
and existing scene of confusion gets intense,
causing all types of disruptions,
leading to feel low, depress,
then things will be all jaded.

Its not fair,
every morning; waking up to my love,
whose an ocean away,
while others,
could even cuddle before they sleep.

Could this love be real,
or is this just another passer-by,
statements and questions thrown at me,
without a doubt that maybe it could real,
and again,
constant reminder;
that it's an ocean away.

Never search for love,
it'll come knocking on your door,
believe it or not,
I wasn't searching;
definitely not somewhere an ocean away,
but it came knocking on my door,
and resisting it was a bitch!

Walking away from my past,
was not an easy task,
but keeping this present;
and wanting it to be my future
would be a harder task,
but one challenge that I'm willing to take,
so now,
emotional strength and support I seek.

Again,
the sun rises in the morning,
and sets at dawn,
as how love would come,
might stay and then go;
so just cherish it,
have it while you can,
although its an ocean away.

BALI here I come!

3rd holiday this year.

Damn, this is really what you call living the life. I've actually never went for holidays so frequently. Hmmm, but yea this time we'll be heading to Bali. Yes WE is me and Ricky. (sehidup semati kan...) But this time its just the 2 of us. We dont know anyone there, and well basically nothing la. But damn, Bali would be fun kan? We dont have an exact plan on we are going to there. Just gonna head there and see what's up. Be there for 4 days, so 1 of those day we will do some sight seeing, definitely! (fr the 6th - 9th Sept.)

Anyways, wish us luck! MUSHROOMS!!! YAY!

Cheers!

Chances.

Do you agree?

A good questioned was asked today, would I ever give myself that chance? A long time I ponder, searching and seeking for an answer. Do you believe that everyone has that perfect someone for them out there? I intercept that by stating my believes about life is not perfect. So, how could there be someone perfect just for you? At the end of the day we always settle with something less perfect. So does perfection brings happiness, since never we will experience it. We always want something best of the best for us and not realising that we don't even give ourselves a chance for anything else and not knowing that maybe in one of that chances comes with happiness. In reality, it all comes down to us. Me. You. We make our decisions, and still others are always to be blame. Am I right?


Fairy tales, fairy tales. Come back to reality!

Feelings of scared and terrified conquers the whole? Maybe? Are we scared of not knowing the ending? Would it be a fairy tale ending or heartbroken bloody ending? One thing we have always mistaken of is fairy tale ending. Its straight forward English; FAIRY TALE ENDING. So don't you think that only happens in a fairy tale story. Fairy tale stories that are made up to make humans gives that reason to live, because to some of them fairy tale endings is one of their believes. Don't they know that its just a piece of crap? Direct translation for fairy tales is CERITA DONGENG. So why believe in it?

Either way, both would be a good thing no matter how the ending turns out. One could be a beautiful thing that happened in your life or perhaps an experience that you could never forget. Its a win win situation. So why do we have to be scared or terrified knowing at the fact that its a win win situation?


Reasoning to complication and then the blaming.

Are you willing to commit? Do you think you can make it through? There's so many question that we, human, ourselves create just for reasoning. Complication comes after all the reasoning. And then we blame others. Ok, maybe yes we have the right to blame the other but at times where we cant, we still do blame the others. We people are not accepting the reality of life. We make decisions for ourselves and not others so STOP BLAMING OTHERS!


Solution.

When it says, would you give yourself a chance? I say we should! What are we gonna lose? As I said its a win win situation. Why nag nag nag and nag and then don't do anything about it. We have to take action. We cant just sit here and wait for a miracle to pop out from our ass. Everyone deserves chances, use it. Don't put your chances to waste, because maybe one day you wont even have a chance to even waste and if that day ever comes to you, this will be the exact words that would come out from your mouth,.. "..why didn't I give myself a chance? Now its just too late.." You've reach the dead end, and now this is a perfectly correct time for you to pray for a miracle too pop out your ass. So try while you still can, taste everything that comes in between. And most importantly, never regret.


Thought of the day.

Maybe something that is so beautiful is packed in something so ugly.

Little Less Perfect.

Its you,
still holding me back,
still not letting go,
with or without you..

Why is it so powerful,
what makes you so different,
why is it you?
And only you could fill that lonely place in my heart.
Its also only you, that,
you could wound me so deep,
choosing another path,
pushing me more towards your book of history,
while you have moved on;
in discretion,both,
together creating a new future..

The holy month of Ramadhan is here,
a day, a night adds up,
turning it to a year.
Stranded?
Still I thank god I survived,
and still stand strong with my dreams and hope,
of you and me;
expressing our sorry,
spending and cherishing the last night together,
celebrating love; so pure and white,
before I,
surrender my soul to something..,
A little less perfect...

But time wasn't on our side,
it all never came true, and;
if that someday,
someday when time takes a rest,
please take a moment, and,
thank God you woke up from sleep the next day, and,
thank God for His beautiful creations on earth,
and lastly,
thank Him because you survived.

And again,
if that someday comes,
I'll thank Him that you survived,
survived His challenges in life, and,
survived to have read this poem.
Reading it character by character,
word by word,
slowly understanding that this poem,
will unveil everything,
clears all wonders, and,
I'm most thankful, that,
this poem would break a secret that you never knew,and,
simultaneously expresses the existence of true love..

Darling,
if I never get the chance,
although I'll wait for a lifetime,
through this poem,
I want you to know, that,
true love exists,
even without the consent or,
chose to not believe it.
Because,
this poem itself made me realized,that,
the last day I spent with you,
I did surrender my soul to you;
along with my all true love...

So what I'm trying to say here is,
that its YOU!
YOU WERE, STILL AND WILL ALWAYS BE,
MY LUCKY LITTLE LESS PERFECT...

Im proving everyone right.

Blaming myself.

In a way, I know I lead you on. But honestly I never thought that this could happen. I was told that you're still with that someone and that skandal skandal boleh laa. So I put up a barrier between us, so that emotions wont take control over me and you. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but now you are hoping for something more right? Emotions has taken control over you. And I really don't know how to react to this. Normally I just run like a coward ignoring the problem, but now I'm trying to face it and solve it. Its even harder for me; as you all know my bad track records with men and I'm trying to erase that image from people's mind. If I fuck this up, then I'm just proving them right.


You & Me.

Honestly, you are the most sweetest person I've met so far in my journey through men. (journey through men sounds sooo.. nvm forget about it..!) You by far top the most masculine guy I've dated or seen. You're 35 and I can see that you've been through alot and now you just want to calm down, relax or maybe settle down. (Ini I tak tau because we haven't reach to that stage of talking about this, and please I really don't want to go through it...) You are the loyal kind, which is so hard to find nowadays. You're stable in life. But you see, everything is too perfect. And I don't do that. Maybe I've yet to see your flaws, but your body language is giving a different signal. And I'm scared of that signal because I'm just not ready for it yet. Yes, I admit 3 years back I did wanted to settle down because I thought this is it. I was stupid to believe that I wanted to settle down when at the end of the experience I realized I missed out so much in life. As you know I did so much mistakes and til now; I'm still trying to make up to my mistakes. (I just wish my intuitions about this is wrong because I wouldn't know how to break it up to you..)


My life is just beginning.

I've just begin living my life again after a year of depression and I don't want to give up my life now. I cant open myself to you at all. (believe me sayang I tried but I just cant..) We live in 2 different world, and I know there's compromising but I'm not willing to compromise anything, not now and definitely not in the nearest future. I realized that I wasted 2 years of my life believing that I'm the most happiest person in the world and at a blink of my eye; that believed shredded into million pieces and breaking me apart. (definitely scarred for life, heaven and earth..) So now, I'm just about to begin my life again and this may sound harsh but it was nothing but just a fling. (And don't think that this is "typical of Izmil" thingy but honestly sometimes people really interpret me wrong.. And yes I admit I do mistakes too..) So I really want you to understand this. I never wanted you to fall for me, or better still I never thought you would fall for me. In my mind I've made it clear that this is just a fling, which was also overly repeated to me that well "scandal scandal boleh laaa.."


Stuck.

Aku macam dah jumpa jalan buntu. There's no either or situation now. I've got to deal with it and I've got to deal with it soon before things get even worse! And I don't know what to say or where to start. In a way, I regretted flirting with you and regretted doing things with you because I know that I'm gonna hurt you with my decision. And don't think I wont get hurt as well. I will, because there goes one more beautiful amazing charming creature into my men history book and again I'm the one to blame. (But I know one fine day you would find someone, your companion and til that day comes, my guilt towards you will always be there and always be hurting..) I really don't know what to do. I'm stuck. This shit is happening too much in my life, and I'm running out of ways already.

What's on my mind.

Yin & Yang or merely coincidence?

If anyone of you realize, every time we make a decision; ok more simple, every time we take something, or choose, or gain we will have to sacrifice something or lose something. Does that situation proves that life's fair or is it just merely coincidence? Ok a clear example; 'A' was browsing thru clothes, loves a pair of jeans and 2 tee's. He was indecisive on which he should get; the pair of jeans or the 2 tee's. He has to lose one of it. He has to make a decision on what he would get. Basically he cant get both. So do you think that he should just don't get both and go home and start thinking about it or should he get at least one of it? Both has its important. If he does get both, he would be having problems to survive for the month.

Why is this always an issue?

Ok, now I'm gonna relate this example to a real life situation. 2 men; go figure. If I were to pick both to be in my life, they'll be alot of sacrifices to be done. And the game must be well played. But I ain't good at this game. Both has its importance to me. Obviously one has known me for a long time and the other one is still getting to know me. Certain criteria that I want in someone is in; ok wait let's name them first. Guy who has known me is 'A' and guy who is still getting to know me is 'B'. As I was saying, yes certain criteria are in 'A' and certain are in 'B'. A big difference would be that if I choose 'A' I'm just heading back to history and if I choose 'B' I'll be opening a new leap in life? But then again, for a commitment? I don't know whether I'm ready for it or maybe if it happens I wont commit as how they would want me to and I'm afraid that they wont get to accept that.

I'm taking my time.

Career, family, friends must be top then only lover. Never fall in love, but walk in love. I'm walking, and I'm walking real slow but by the looks of it 'B' isn't. Either he is walking real fast or he is jogging, which I'm afraid. My options are still open, but he looks like he is ready to walk down the aisle with me. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm not the only one who sees it that way. 'B' is a lovely person, believe me. And if anything were to happen, it will all come back to me. And honestly sometimes that just kills me. Yes, I've hurt so many people along the way but it is not because I wanted to, but it just didn't work out. People gotta face the fact that shit happens. And maybe the shit is not from me?

Always realizing the bad, but never the good.

I wanna prove everyone wrong, but its natural for human that when someone does something good its never talked about or even bloody realized. But when it decides to do something real bad, the next second it would be the talk of the town. And then when we don't bother and just ignore the fact that they are talking about it then we will be called a BITCH. Humans are so complicated and so hard to pleased. I just wish someday they'll understand why it happen?; why is that my decision?; or what actually when wrong?

Innocence.

Sally said, its the way you portray yourself and the fact that most people I date has 1 same major criteria which is innocence. So either way, whatever happen people would look it as though I'm the one to blame for everything. So yea back to the topic about 'A' and 'B'. This time, I really got to think everything thoroughly. What am I searching for? If I could answer that question, gradually everything would fall into the right places and I could make my decision then. So for now, would it be safe to play the game and keep my options open since nothing has been declared yet or should I sit down and choose between both?

30th July

The night has come
The day is coming to an end
Just 15 minutes
And it will all be over
Still my wish didnt come true.

30th of July
Celebrating the birth of me
But something is pulling me down
Bringing back my faded memories
Aching my wounded heart
Causing my eyes to tear
Killing my happiness slowly.

Inhaling all kind of smoke
A fast way of escapism
Numbing every pain and ache
Achieving a short term happiness
Running away from facts
Chasing the high
Temporaly erasing reality
A painful reality.

Struggling to put a happy face
Failing to convince the world
That a happy guy like me
Is rotting with tears
And just left here with memories.

Someone along the way.

Someone, somehow.

Always liked that someone, but never had the opportunity to actually try to get to know him or at least even talked to him. (was in a relationship laa.. and got laa some more issues..) And yes, after 3 years of knowing each other's existence then things started to hit of. Its funny, because I've known this chap for about 3 years, and we never really talked. When we bumped into each other pun its like hi hi bye bye kinda thingy. And then came 31st July 2007, and my old housemates were doing a BBQ party/dinner. And also celebrating 2 people's birthday which was mine and someone else's. (sorry tak ingat namer tapi I know its a girl..) And he directly caught my attention as I walked in. He basically stole my 100% attention. So the BBQ started and there's prolly 20 - 30 people were present and most of them are staffs from DNP Clothing. (ala topshop, topman, warehouse and yada yada yada laa..)

As the night pass. (and I was already fucked due to unforeseen circumstances..)

We were playing eyes alot, or lets just say he always caught me looking at him. And yea we were having alot of eye contact. (maybe I perasan jgak laa but dont know laa..) And I seriously wanted him, (like before but just this time it was more stronger..) I wanted his number, I just wanted to grab the chance. And I did, obviously I had to tell Onnie and all so that I know they will pass the message to him and yes they did. And you know how I am with the malu malu sotong thingy. I'm just a shy person, and I couldn't do it. And my beloved unlawful sister Onnie said to him in front of me and everyone else that I wanted to ask him something. Being Izmil I just denied it and all and saying that its nothing. He then pulled me to the side and ask me again and again what is it and all I said was I'll get it from Onnie. And I did!

Finally.

Got in contact with him, and for our so called 'first date' I decided to bring some friends along. Just to break the ice so there wouldn't be any awkward moments. We went singing at News, Imbi Plaza and because we were also celebrating Myrez birthday which was on the 7Th of August. (Who attended? The usual; Tareq, Ayun, Sally and of course bday girl Myrez and me and him..) We actually had a great time, and well my friends likes him. Which is good. Since then, we were more in contact and we've been meeting up alot and yea things are heating up a lil bit. (tho I still dont know where it would be heading..) And I'm starting to really like him and its bad because I dont know whats in his head. (maybe I should find out... at least I know if I should keep a distance or not..)

What's he like?

Where do I begin? Ok, he is 13 yrs older than me. (very abang abang laa.. very actually..) Reserved. Masculine. A sweet guy actually. And obviously matured. (he should be for his age but I'm not gonna judge the book by its cover anymore.. pass experience..) Get along with people really well and fast. Good looking. Has a child whose 3 years old. (adopted.. the kid is so cute.. adorable..) Whether or not he is seeing someone else or in a relationship, I dont know because I've never actually asked but apparently yea he is still with someone. (I dont know; It doesn't seem that way..) And yes obviously working for DNP Clothing. He got tummy which I think its so cute, especially abang abang with tummy, it just goes well together. LOL! We can say that he is very husband material. That's how much I know about him. Oh yea his from Batu Pahat, Johore. Oh and yes, a very family oriented man. He doesn't go out that much. For now, he is perfect but I'm eager to find out his flaws tho. (no one's perfect kan..?)

1st base? 2nd base? 3rd base?

None. Cool eyh? The most was just holding hands or cuddling and that's about it. We've never even kiss! Imagine! I would like to know how he kisses tho,. hehe, and I would also like to know what does he has to offer, if you get what I mean. It doesn't really matter laa, that's just the horny side of me talking.

Ikon Asia @ PICC.

Its tonight, and I'm really hoping my brother's band win! GO OAG! It would be a big stepping stone for them and finally after 13 years of OAG they get their recognition. Leaving at 4pm but still not dress and haven't even showered! Will be picking up Meeya, Myrez and Lynfunkstar at Bangsar then head to Puchong to pick Hana up. So have to leave abit early and some more Tareq will be waiting for us at ERL Putrajaya station. Im so tired. Havent had sleep since yesterday. Just naps. Not good! And it didn't help that Tareq had the best dream! This gotta stop man! Things are getting a lil bit dangerous!

My so called "SURPRISE BDAY BASH". Thanks! <3

Before anything.


I would like to congratulate my bro's band, OAG and Jaclyn Victor for making it as our 1st Ikon Malaysia 2007. Especially to OAG who has been thru alot of ups and downs, changing of ppl in the band and so much more and finally after all the years being in this industry OAG is finally recognized! Congratulations again. The show was absolutely fabulous! (except for the part where Radhi's mic was faulty but dont worry guys it wasnt your fault!) I was jumping for joy that night sampai penat! Kesian Dayang, she has been thru so much and still didnt get it. Dont give up girl, you've got your own talent and sooner or later you will be up there. Just have a little patience yea?


290707, Digi casting at Damansara Heights.


Slept well I must say, my causin Shahir slept over. Already planned yesterday that me and Bazz will be going for the digi casting at Damansara. (woke up with a loud song of Whine up by Kat Deluna, thank god Bazz called if not I would have terlajak tdo.) Well after all the wait, we decided not to go on proceed with our own plans. We meaning Bazz, Aaron, Shahir and Me. Not forgeting Danger! I didnt had a plan at that time, so I was just going with the flow. First, was to head to Damansara to meet Danger, then well at that time I was made believe that Bazz is bringing me out and that everyone else had their own things to do.


Jeng jeng jeng, Bazz terpecah lobang!




So then only I know that Bazz decided to pull a surprise party for me at Yow Chuan. (where else kan?) And he already did all the invitation and all. Even my causin knew about it. Damn it! Before heading to Yow Chuan, we had to send my beloved causin back to his place at Kampung Pandan. (it was quite a distance to go there..) Hantar dia then we head straight to Yow Chuan. Myrez pullet out last minute, she had some issues to attend to by herself. (dont think too much Myrez just relax.. but 1 advise sayangku, dont think with your heart, think with your head!) So for the 1st time ever, I was actually early. We booked room at 530pm and we reach there on time with the room ready. First it was just the 3 of us. (me, Bazz & Aaron.) Nyanyi macam nak gila and all, then Hunns and Saiful came. Followed by Danger and new boif, Shamel. Cute. I like! And then Danger and boif had to leave early because they had to attend a wedding ceremony and by that time most of us were either drunk or typsy.

From 5.30pm to 12.00am.




That was how long we were in the room singing our lungs out. Around 8 something my bro and Alis came and by that time, I was already out! My voice was gone, Bazz was lying down, Hunns was jumping everywhere, Saiful Zameer and Aaron maintained. It was nice that all of them came, but it was also sad for me that well certain people that I wanted to see didnt appear, or maybe wasnt invited because I didnt do the invitation (Bazz did it, but its cool!) and one of them (Ricky!!) was working! Damn it! Tapi memang sampai suara hilang man! LOL!


A lil down towards the night.


Well, I was already down basically these past few days and well I guess that night got me feeling soooooooo happy and at the same time soooo down. Happy that well, there was actually people celebrating the birth of me. Down? *sigh. Exactly 1 year ago, we celebrated my birthday there as well and yes Bazz was the host! I was down and Bazz and friends cheered me up! Exactly 1 year ago again, that I broke up with my so called "love-of-my-life". And sadly til today, its still fresh in my memories like it just happened again. I shed some tears as well at this bash. Yes I know its pathetic but I just couldnt help what I felt. Everything suddenly appeared back in my head so clearly. And then suddenly out of the blue pulak Bazz just left for home just like that. He just wanted to go back and I seriously I dont know why. While walking him down (and mind you he was walking faster and faster..) he asked me like "..do you have anything to say, just say it now..?" and I'm like thinking what the fuck wei? And I didnt had anything to say so I said no and he walked even faster. So that really tick me off, and at that state of mind that I was in, I just didn't know what to do. (what happen Bazz? I really dont get it!)


Hit 12am.


Birthday song was sang by everyone and the karaoke session end. Received so many text messages of happy birthday wishes from so many people. (thanks so much guys for actually even remembering. Ke korang letak dalam calendar telephone??) But it got me more down, I was waiting for a txt from someone and well til now I haven't received it. Guess as much that he forgotten. Or he just couldnt be bothered anymore. (macam pukimak kan?) So I continued the night with a-little-moody-but-still-cool-look kinda thingy. Dropped everyone home and headed home. And finally I actually smiled because there was a cake waiting for me at home with candles! (a nice cake some more.) And a song from my family came with it. Then I realized that no mater how down I feel but as I see my family they can just make me smile even just by standing in front of me and not saying anything. Thanks mum, dad, bro and alis. Thank you so much.


Thanks.


Thanks guys for everything. Thanks for the presents! Thanks so much! Love you guys!

Why?

Why is it so hard
so hard to understand you?
Why does everything seems so right
but at the same time so wrong?
Why do I feel this way?
Why must i feel this way?

I've never asked much;
Just maybe your love.
And a year has passed,
Clearly shown;
Everything has faded.
Your LOVE has faded..

Isnt the word LOVE something sacred and meaningful?
Then why did you say it all the time?
To me..
Before..
Knowing now it would always be a mystery..

Its like a game I'm playing
but just with one player.
And the catch to the game is;
WITH TWO PLAYERS THEN ONLY YOU COULD WIN!
I feel like a dumb fool,
Being fooled over and over again.
And it goes on.. and on and on...

Maybe Im too easy?
What am I to say?
Admits; mistakes has been done before
and now im trying to get things right!
Once I was told;
"..You cant help what you feel
But just to feel it!.."
Sadly indeniably true..

Its heading my way now.
"..What goes around, comes around Izzy.."
Always was repeated to my ears.
Its all coming back to me,
Payback;
Revenge;
KARMA;
Good or bad;
harshly.
And it all comes back to one simple question;
WHY?


*sigh

Its so cute! <3

Icons.

Its so cute dont you think? These icons could actually describe someone. In many different way tho. You could describe one's personality, you could describe one's feelings and maybe one's thoughts! I found so many icons that could describe me, but the ones above are mixture of my personality, feelings and definitely my thoughts. Try going thru it, see whether you agree or disagree. Maybe some of the icon's could relate to you? Well, now I'm gonna promote it. Head to http://www.123icons.com. There's loads of icons to pick from. You can pening just going thru it. Some are like really cute and naughty. And yes some is quite lame and shit. There must be a balance of everything kan?

Bored.

Now lying down in my hall. (and yea my room has be taken by my maid for the meantime, so aku ni macam menumpang sat..) Its gonna be 4am, and SAS! Have to be up by 8am to settle everything. My maid's passport, her working permit, her leave letter and all those things. Need to go pay all my bills. Must do everything tmrw so I could really rest on my annual leave. Was invited by Sally to chill at her place later in the evening. And before that to go Petaling Street. She needs to get something, and apparently its really important. (i know what is it, and its beautiful!)

Tix to Jakarta.

Just had a short discussion with Tareq. This monday we will be heading to KLIA to try to get the F.O.C ticket to Jakarta. Save budget abit rite? I hope I get to budget myself this next few months so that I dont overspent for the trip to Jakarta. Haven't even inform my family yet, will do it prolly 2 weeks before I leave. Wanted Fizul to join us, but then he got concert on that dates! Darn! *sigh. *yawn.

Type type type. SAS!

Another year it is.

Damn it, in 5 days I'll add 1 to my age. And I already feel old enough. Im actually scared. I mean, everytime my bday comes closer and closer I always wonder what have I achieved the past year? But this year has been quite a good year for me. (insyaallah tahun tahun akan datang lebih murah rezeki for me, my famliy and friends.. Amin) After what has happen to me in the past years, I've learnt so much. (tapi masih tersangkut dengan masa silam yee..) As what Finns said today, "..the day you get over it, is the day you found a replacement.." In alot of ways I do agree with what she said, but isnt there other ways? Tak yah nak berkenalan and all. Just live the normal single life? Atau maybe the feeling would just go away? Yea, basically I'm not over it but thats not the main topic in my life now. Im getting use to the feeling. I think it will fade away once everything is stable and more calm.

Things that has happen lately.

Well, lets see. I've broken a few people's heart. I mean not really broke their hearts laa, but things just didnt work out. Yes its my fault. (i cant wait for Karma..) Family bonding has been really good, altho there is ups and downs but its been really good. And my maid is back here but just for a month, she's leaving back to Bandung already. Just for prolly 2 months or so til her elder sister comes back from Arab. Me and my elder brother (siapa tak kenal fizul kan?) are bonding pretty well. I guess we have learnt to accept each others flaws and weaknesses. Sometimes when I'm feeling down its nice to actually get advice from him. (i owe 2 yrs to my family and now I'm willing pay it back..)

Friends.

*sigh. Im actually so blessed to have friends like mine. (whether their bitching about me or not.. I doubt it tho. LOL!) Everytime I'm with them they really brighten up my day. There's so many different characters in my group of friends and sometimes I laugh at it because its just so cute. Not just characters, but even age gap. And surprisingly still with the far age gap we could click! Lets see, there's Sally; a weird personality, fun and outgoing. Never thought that her age is that. (takkan la i nak cakap kan?.. ehhe) And then there's Ayun. (Khairul Anwar nama sebenar tapi I dont know how AYUN came about.. Family name kutz..) He is so cute. He also my hair dresser. He likes to give funny sarcarstic remarks and its sometimes its hilarious! And he is also a very confused person. And kesian orang yang duk tunggu dia. Ayun, make up ur mind! Then there's Myra or Myrez. Hehe, she ma twin sister. We're so different but alike. Get it? And we cant forget Lyn. (you know Azlyn Balqis, LYNFUNKSTAR.. gawd she has so many names..) She appears once in awhile, since she started working she's been busy. Understandable. She's fun! Hmmm, alot more people laa. We cant forget Tareq kan? (that one mmg sehidup semati..) I guess we bond better now tho. We're much closer now than before. Not just when I was in a relationship but even before. We're more matured in our "best-friends" relationship now. Pemikiran kita pun dah matang kan. We're even closer due to the fact that we work under the same company and the same department. And then there's Shereen. She confused. She cute. And she talks alot, especially when she has her dessert which is greens and herbs. Sometimes half the time I cant really understand what is she saying but I love her. And there's Atif. Awww keshian Atif now have to start classes at college already. But its ok, he definitely gonna turn out to be one big campus slut. (you can do it Atif, I know you want to..)

First its a liability and then later turns into an asset.

Well, this is prolly my greatest achievement in life. I bought over a landed property at Bdr Sri Dsara. Double-storey link house. Its actually our 1st house that's actually ours in my family. (ok laa rumah kat subang tak leh kira laa, that was long time ago..) And I'm proud of it and my family is excited about it! Its a beautiful place. Its well maintained, and I dont need to do any renovation or cleaning up cuz it is as good as new. Me and Fizul wont be staying there tho. It would just be Mum, dad and my maid. Me and Fizul and not forgetting Alis will be maintaining this condominium. I guess mum wants to teach Fizul to be more independant. More reliable and definitely let him go through life as it is now that he has more commitments like the WNA 9757 and the house bills and all. And some more, he has never stayed alone before so I pun tak tau how to handle this. But I guess it will be ok. Slowly slowly he will learn la kutz. (im begging, hoping and praying.. hehe)

Jakarta this September? Any followers?

Well, me and Tareq will be going for our 3rd holiday and this time we're going to Jakarta. Sept 6th til the 9th. Cant wait man. Our annual leave is approved, so we just have to purchased our tix. (tapi I dont know whether I should use my F.O.C ticket or not..? it would be a waste jgak if I dont..) And Tareq's mum would do our hotel booking since she could get it at cheaper rate. Tapi ya la, Chia wont be there in Jakarta so I guess me and Tareq are really gonna be tourist there man! LOL! Well, I really dont mind if other's wanna join us this trip. Hani said she might, so must update her. This is gonna be another blast! (cross your fingers girls!)

Looking forward to 2nd August.

I'll be doing a daily flight to Bangkok. This is the best part, I'll be flying with Tareq man! First time that we are rostered on the same flight! (if only it was trip ke, or airbus NS ke? Lg best kan!?) But yea, in a way scared la jgak because you know perbalahan cara berkerja. Confirm I'm gonna be the gelly steward man! Hehe, dah laa Tareq tak suka orang too particular. Im quite particular laa. Particular in normal normal thingy like cleanliness and all. Hehe, nanti I know sure confirm Tareq will take out a statement towards me! LOL! But I still cant wait. I've always jumpa dia tapi tak pernah fly sama! *sigh. Who is the leading arh? I dont know whether can find out or not.

SAS.

Im telling you, SAS has been happening alot in my life. But dont worry, I'm still in control of it. I dont know, but this is definitely an addiction. No I cant say I'm addicted to it. If ade then ade if tak de then I wont go finding for it. But if someone were to mention it to me about it or maybe I've planned it but then I cant get it; maybe I will start looking for it. And that would make me look like I'm addicted to it. BUT IM NOT GUYS OK! DONT WORRY! Now, chillin' out in my brother's room trying to finish typing this blog and at the same time looking at Tareq in front of me getting so "intimate" with the desktop. (I'm on my laptop..) Hehe, he has something for electronic gadgets when he SAS! Dunia luar lesap. Tak de laa its not that bad. Ok, enough of me typing and yapping about I dont know what. Will update you tmrw! (gosh I've got so much things to do tmrw man!)

A word or an essay of apology and clarification.

It aint working out?

It cant work out man. Partially my fault; misleading. I knew from the start benda nih mesti terjadi. But I thought, why not give it a chance. I tried but I just couldn't open up yet. Im still not over my past. And maybe for awhile, I just wanna be single. I wanna pamper myself, with everything. I wanna regain back all my strength. I have to pick up what I left off with my friends, and its still a long journey more to go (insyaallah...) til all the bits of puzzle has been arrange.

After a long SMS received at Jakarta.

It was a pretty long txt. Panjang la jgak. Sebenarnya, it's really sweet that well; your intentions. Tapi, I tak pikir jauh tuh lagi, and I tak nak pikir jauh tuh lagi. I tanak pikir pasal commitments. And I dont want you to, as well. Why commit to something that you are not sure of right? Well I dont know about you, I'm not sure about anything now in my life. I've got alot of issues that I have been running away from and til all that issues have actually been look through and having doing actions to settle it I'll always be the way I am. And itu bukan orang yang patut you commit to.

Experience everything!

Bukan je I tanak you commit ngan orang macam tuh, tapi I nak you experience everything. I want you to grow up! I want you to be strong, and independant! I like that you have a vision of yourself, that you know what you wanna do in your life, and you have a stand in your life. But there is more to that. Tp its still mentah. Pemikiran you tak habis matang lagi, and not to say i'm so matured and so perfect because I know i'm not. Just maybe I have more experience and i'm not trying to say that you dont have experience, but all my experience I just think that mungkin I can share with you. Supaya, you pun x lah buat kesilapan yg I pernah buat. There's more to see in the world there, and as you grow older and wiser then you will understand what I actually meant.

"..never fall in love, always walk in love.." - as quoted by Fizul a.k.a My Brother.

Never fall in love, but I know from the way you talk and the way u are and you said it yourself you fell. I just wonder how could you fall after just getting to know someone (which I must add that you prolly only found out 10% of the whole me..) for a day? It was honestly a big turn off point for me when you actually said; ".. yada yada yada.. Gdnite and Love you.." How could you be so easy? Sometimes when I think about it, I feel as though that you just dont know the meaning of it or maybe how deep and meaningful that word could be. It's not like I know the meaning to it but to me its a really big word; it means alot and I definitely dont use it often and I definitely dont use it to a guy I just met and getting to know no matter if I fell in love. I'm scared that probably you have said it to god knows how many people. Dont you agree? Dont say things that you dont mean. Always think of the consequences before saying something. You might just be pushed even far away or if your lucky, he'll ask you to move with him. But that aint me, itu bukan saya! You gave it so easily, or maybe you threw urself to me so easily that there was no challenge for me to even try. You cant do that sayang, because if you continue on doing that you'll be hurt at the end. And I bet you know, patah hati lah penyakit paling lama nak sembuh.

I feel so old saying all these.

Dah laa Sally and Shereen said that I could actually 30. Or 31. Imagine. Damn it!
Maybe I cant compare my experience or myself to people much older than me, but I could just give my advice to you from my own living past experience. Sometimes when your so infatuated with something new in your life you tend to not think of the issue thoroughly but you just follow your feelings. There's time that yes, you could follow your heart but at other times your mind plays a more important factor. Always remember that!

A sweetheart, a dear.

Your a sweetheart and you are such a dear. Your sweet, and well you know what to say to someone at the right time. But i'm so so so so so sorry but it just wont happen, not now; not anytime soon and not in the nearest future. I know, you selalu cakap you dont want to rush me but sometimes the things you say make me feel that you want me to rush. You want me to make my decision and sometimes I rasa rimas. Rasa meluat pun ade. And if I ever want to commit to someone, that someone just cant be to mengada. I'm not saying that you are over mengada but at times you could be. I cant deal with that, or maybe because I know I'm the mengada type. I'm the one who wants to be pampered. I need a man, someone thats the opposite of me, someone that's well; a MAN. And your not a man yet. Manhood has not fully hit you. Mentally and I don't know maybe physically. (but physically I doubt it laa; again you'll never know kan?)

I'm hoping that you realized that I've warn you about this.
(obviously now i'm trying to make myself feel better about this; the fact that actually I feel so fucking guilty about everything..)

I've said it to you before; dont rush your feelings, keep your eyes open to other options. Reason why I always remind you about that; its because I dont want this to happen. I dont know whether I said it to you before, but I get turn off just like if that someone melafazkan kata - kata cinta to me after a few days. Its sweet, really really sweet and flattered (kalau perasan itu benar and you really meant it..) but there will be no challenge for me anymore? I've not actually shown my true-self and you have already said it. Sometimes kita kena main tarik tali sket, or jual mahal tapi jangan la mahal sangat pulak nanti orang pun malas, naik meluat. Ok, I give example ok? There's this 2 guys that your dating, and then one of them gave you a whole guni of sweets and the other one gives you same sweets as well but one by one, sket demi sket. And not semua sekali. Cuba you pikir la, you takkan muak ke makan sweets seguni tuh? Kan lagi bagus kalau u beri sket demi sket so that it would make that other party to come asking for more. Think about it.

Opposite attracts.

Well it really does. You cant date someone who is you, or put it this way; WE JUST CANT DATE OURSELVES. And well not to say, that we are the same but maybe your just not dominant enough for me. We're both are like at the same level. And that's really hard, and it will confused us alot. And i'm pretty sure you want someone that's more dominant. (looking thru the way you potrey urself.. at times..) I'm not really a dominant person and I would like to have someone who is more dominant than me, not because I want to hang on to them like pest, but maybe just for security.

This is my apology.

Again, i'm really sorry. And that i'm actually hoping that you never meant what you said or you never felt what you said you felt so that you wont actually hurt. I dont want to hurt anyone, and I never meant to if I actually did. But i'm glad that I met you, at least maybe this small little experience/path/or whatever that we could name it would actually make you realized something. I dont know, it could be anything. Its just how you look at it ok? And yes again i'm saying it, I'M SORRY. PLS ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.

ps : this time I actually had the actual guts to state the truth and avoid more confusing situations and problems. Tada! Congrats!

Life, again..

9 in the morning,
I've freshened up and am wide awake,
wishing for a hope,
the hope of a life that ended to begin
again..

Now I'm staring thru my windows,
into the light blue sky,
wandering thru the flow of clouds,
flowing towards the west
with all the sense of knowing,
and the sense of possibilities,
a thunderstorm is coming my way
again..

But this is not what I wanted,
just to wish for a hope of a life,
and to prepare for that thunderstorm,
that no matter what it will cause the end,
end of a life,
and most of all the end of my wish of hope..
Again..

As hours pass,
and as the sun rises,
glaring straight into my eyes.
A cycle of life,
the glare made me realized.
From the beginning til you reach the end,
you cant change what has ended,
and as the saying brought down to us by our ancestors;
when its meant to be,
its just bloody hell meant to be!

Take a deep breath and relax,
the secrets unfold.
It states;
"YES YOU CANT CHANGE WHAT HAS ENDED,
BUT YOU COULD CHANGE WHAT HAD BEGUN."

Like the sun,
we could rise up with strength and power.
And like the sun again,
it knows life do begins and it ends.
It knows that when a thunderstorm hits,
it will hit hard and,
the sun weakens and falls.
It suddenly hit me,
that's life!

Putting behind all that has happened,
the sun moves on,
and again,
it will rise and shine brightly,
glaring straight into,
another ones wishing eyes..

Its life, again..

Alone in this now.

Paranoid.

I know I'm doing something wrong; I'm just hoping this time they will forgive me. I dont know whether its wrong or not, but I guess if it was me I'll be cool, just afraid others wouldnt be.

07/07/07

Nice date dont ya think? It was a nice day for me as well. Got back from flight and well headed out. Didnt regret heading out at all; it was a good chat. Its been awhile, i've gone out and well it was just talking talking and talking. Heading somewhere? Lets not speak to soon. I dont know what is in people's mind nowadays, so I guess it would take time for me to answer that question. But sadly, yes sadly I dont have that much time. And yes as what someone said to me, "..i cant buy time to spend it with you.." But now I'm wishing if only we could eyh?

Broke!!

Damn it, on wednesday I'll be going to Kaoshiung and the following day to Jakarta, and Im broke. So worried actually. And then some more, after 3 days OFF I'll be going to Perth. I cant ask from anyone now; really dont plan to add more debts in accounts. Its already not seimbang. Sometimes I just regret spending my money on stupid things man; but no regrets they say. Well to make myself feel better, I always tell myself, yea no regrets! Enjoy it! LOL! Anyways heading to my bed. Its yelling my name. Thank god, im flying tomorrow but only at night. Pheww.

5 am in the morning. (again...)

25th June my ass! LOL!

OMG, yeye only 25th June. Its apparently pushed forward til 30th July. Obviously I guess that would happen, and my reaction was; "..well ok then, let me join in the fun.." I could not resist the temptation that was thrown to me by well my partner in crime whom actually chose that date! Things are getting a lil dangerous now. It'd better be 30th of July or I guess I'm gonna do it myself. This time.

Tempatations.

But how is there to resist when its right in front of your face. And looking at all my friends who just look so wow! The temptation is seriously huge. Ok, lets just say you love to eat chocolates. Its like a daily routine shit, you must have choc's everyday. And now, ur weight has been a bitch to you and you realize that; its giving you alot of problem. You decide, ".. ok this is it, I cant do this no more.." So after sigh, a few days maybe. Your friends invites you over and there they are, licking up the chocolate and looking at their faces and expressions you think to yourself, "..damn man this choc must be damn bloody good.." and there, you couldnt resist at the end. You had to take a bite, which then lead to another and another.

Regrets?

Damn man, no regrets! It was really damn good chocolate. I was so interested that I had to know the manufacturer!!! LOL! That's bad kan? Actually I dont know whether I'm regretting cuz half of me is saying; "..why did you had to a bite of the chocolate..?" and the other one is saying; "..its worth it!.." Im just having doubts I guess.

Im fucking working! Pick up is at 1145am.

And look, its 0524am and I'm still awake. Chocolate rush. Shhhiissshhh. But yea, I guess I'm gonna try now to doze off, but I cant cuz I have to send me mummy to work. Damn it. So its gonna be one of those days where you just dont have enough sleep and the concealor (or however you spell it, not the time for an english class..) comes in really handy. I knew I bought it for a purpose just didn't know it was for this. LOL!

Lost.

Im lost too. So anyways, lets not get the other readers lost as well and say my goodnight. Goodnight, and sweet dweams. Izzy is buzzing off for awhile to lang far far away, called NOWHERE ISLAND.