Speak my mind

Hmmm, I'm just so lost. Plan A didn't work, and smart me I didn't plan Plan B. So now I'm stuck. Btw, this is in general. I'm stuck in every way.

Let's start with my career. Just heard about how MAS is revising all contract crew latest by January 8th, 2008. They'll let go the one's with bad records. IM SO FUCKED! And well, I thought I got a second chance but well I guess I didn't get that second chance yet. It's so stressful. I'm stuck, and I just dont know what to fucking do. Sometimes I just wish I could talk to my family about this, but I'm shitless scared. And it's gonna bring them down, especially MUM! No point regretting, but I'm just hoping and praying that I do get a second chance. I want to start fresh, and prove it that I could do it! PLS PLS PLS. I cant afford to ruine anything now, or anytime.

FAMILY is another problem. I feel like just going away again, because I know I just cant handle the stress and pressure that's put on me. But I also know that they need me, and I'm not going to repeat the same mistake I did before. HOW? FUCKING HOW? I thought everything would fall into place, but it's not and if it doesn't get better I see a breakdown soon; I CANT AFFORD THAT! I really don't know what to anymore, I'm blank. What some more ways are there? Sometimes I wish I have my mum's strength, to go through all this. I'm already using losing it, and I'm so fragile and vulnerable now that anything could happen. I dont want to say something that I would regret for the rest of my life, and keeping it in a bottle just doesn't help. The bottle pun got no space already. It's gonna burst if nothing is done! HELP! FUCKING HELP!!

And the least important in my life now but in every way its affecting me and I just don't know why, MY FUCKING LOVE LIFE! Let someone love you more then you love them. What if I know, I will never get to love them? What do I say? Should I say it? After he confesses his love to me? Why must he do that? Now, the guilty concious is kicking in so badly and as normal, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! And I just don't want to run anymore. Maybe I should give it a try, but my heart is just not allowing me too, and it's not allowing him to get in. A heart has a mind of it's own sometimes, and I just wish I could control that mind. *sigh