Same old brand new day. *Gee

God, it has been such a tiring day. My flight got delayed and the sectors were ridiculous! My god, the company is getting better apparently on reports but I don't see which part? *sigh

Well, nothing much has been happening lately. Just the normal thingy. Meeting new people, going for parties, either home or out with the usual. Indirectly still seeking for that someone out there, cant say for eternity but just that someone to just be with me, someone I could console with, someone I could manja with, just that someone., but well, as they said the more you look; the more it just hides, places obviously you cant find. Now, I'm just chillin', living my normal daily life with a slight hope that I'll meet that someone. (just a slight hope.. you cant stop a man from hoping kan??)

As normal, another day another drama kan? Either way drama is just attracted to me. Its like its in love with me! As normal la kan, sure got drama my life. Let's see; the latest? Just drama in the household. Moving out and things like that laa, so family abit stress out. Alot of things are still kucar-kacir. Well, I blame a little bit on myself cuz I still haven't actually sat down and actually discuss everything out., I'm just scared that well you know, cakap tak seruba bikin. I know how I am, so that is why I chose to just be quiet and see how things is. Example, my career. I've already done the first step which is submitting my resume but just to Etihad. Submit with Tareq. Hoping we do get it tho,. And yes it'll be a big change in my life cuz first I'll be base in Abu Dhabi and second without my family around me. I mean fuck I wont be in the some country so yea.

I know mummy not really encouraging me to go, well being a mother right and it is quite a distance from here. She wants me to join SQ, and I've been explaining to her that I don't want to work for SQ and explaining to her the difference tp as normal she is just so degil, like me laa! I know, it's a real big step for me in my life and i know the worries and all but honestly I think this would really help me; not just for my resume and my career line but as well my perception to things in life. I want to go through this. I'm seeking for experience, I'm seeking for wisdom and if I do want to achieve that there are things that I have to sacrifice and I hate sacrificing those things but sooner or later I've got to anyways. *sigh. I'm just hoping if I do get it, first I really want the restu from both of my parents to let me go and secondly; to actually have the strength the to leave everything behind mainly my family, and my most worried problematic brother, and obviously my friends!

My family and my friends are prolly my pillar in my life. These people are 1 big reason why I'm still here and still surviving. Another person, which I'm so afraid to be apart is Ricky. He is like my brother. I think he is my soul mate. He understands me, he knows what I'm thinking, he just knows me. And after everything I've done, he is still with me and still being my strength. I did survive when he was gone to Aussie, but not this time. I think what we went through has changed my thinking. I really hope, he does get it with me. If not my family, at least him being there would be just fine.. I really love him! (not in that way, but in every other way..) I don't say that alot to him, but I know he knows how much he means to me., Soul mate for life man! Soul mate for life! (yea I know, corny but yea its true..)

OooOOo, forgot, as normal i met someone,. and yes i know you guys are bored with this topic. He so small and cute.. Imagine, he is 165cm and I'm 180cm. Alot of difference kan? He's 31yo, bald, career man, stable, Iranian Egyptian and malay, still lives with his family which is so cute. Well, his not HOT but just nice. His personality really attracts me. He's not out on the gay scene which I like, he didn't get clingy right after the date. He has his own life, and he lets me have my own as well. And most important is HE DIDN'T FALL IN LOVE! But I don't know where its heading, but I'll be lying if I said I don't mind letting it head to somewhere but at a real slow pace which what is happening right now. Getting to know stage, just on the phone, txting and all. But we both agreed to take it slow; just don't want to make a mistake. Til now, still no turn off points. I don't know cuz I don't really know him that well, and obviously he hasn't shown me his bad side so will see I guess. His not really the party type, I guess for his age his been thru all of it already. He doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs which I'M SO DEFINITELY FINE WITH! And he speaks English really well which is a point up! Ok, enough about him now. I don't want to jinx anything.

I remember there was this one time Lyn was asking Ricky ".. do you think I dont care what people say?? I do you know, I really do.." I realize, in a way me and Lyn is abit similar. You know Lyn, the reason why maybe people think we don't care is because we made people think of us that way! We are so scared to show our weakness so we fake our strength. Yes maybe we are stronger than others but I know we weak girl, we are really weak. Maybe not you, but I'm weak. I realized that I made a mistake by saying things that could lead to become my image., or something like, "..oh that's typical Izmil thing to do.." or maybe "..you've been Izmiled!.." or I don't know what some more laa. Honestly, sakit hati sometimes. Especially when they just take out statements that they think its funny but maybe to some other people its not., But I can't blame them in away as well, I've wrongly portrayed what I actually wanted to portray.

Like, for example "..are you really going for him because you like him or just because of the money..?" Sometimes I terasa when they say that. Honestly, I've never gone out with someone because of money or because of their wealth! With Johan, it was just my luck he was born rich and rich by himself, and yes at times I still do ask him for help but that's about it. Sometimes, I wish I could tell you guys the whole truth but I rather just keep things to myself., And the fact that I was with him when I was 18 so at that age, yes I wanted to live my life and I did. And in the long run, til now I admit that he still helps me and yes I know he wants me in return and he knows that it's just gonna take more than just money and things for me to get back with him., i appreciate all the things his done for me, and everyday I thank him because I know for now that is all I could afford to do..

Sometimes, I say things like, "..well his got the car and money.." but I honestly don't say it full-heartily you know. I just think that its a blonde thing to say. I mean, fuck; if I actually did go for money, do you think I would have went out with Ein? For bloody 2 years? Yes I do admit that money would be important in the long run, but my first thing I seek wouldn't be money in someone. Its a bonus if his rich but that's about it.. I don't want ppl to salah anggap that's all.. Just really terasa sometimes.., as I said i cant really blame them; my fault for putting that image! DAMN IT! Alot of things jgak laa that I really terasa, but maybe it's all karam. I've got bad karma man!

Pheww,.