Why did you cry when I said I was gonna leave?

Everything was just an act, for me to focus on something you know I would focus on badly. You wanted all! How selfish can you get! The things you've said and done is just plain shit to me now! How could you play such games and then thing it would all just go like that! (sepandai2 tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga..) Never think you can runaway if you don't even know how to hide. If you wanna play the game, master it first then play it. Don't be rookie and try your luck, because when the shit hits the fan, it would hit badly!

You've fooled someone as though that someone was just born yesterday. That someone has played that game before. Mastered it! (still he didn't play the game with you..) And to think I sob like it was all my fault. But now, I guess the blame wasn't towards me, it is you! You are too selfish to think of anyone else but your own satisfaction! Your own feelings! Have you ever thought of mine? I don't think so, because if you did all this fucking game wouldn't have happen! All this time I thought you were just confused, didn't what you want as normal; but its not that your confused, your just selfish! You want everything, and you want everything your way. And when it got fucked up, to hectic for you to handle, you just leave like a coward. (never thinking of the consequences..)

Am I just your doormat? Something that you can step on? Im tried of being your doormat. Im too tired to be anything anymore. Because at the end of the day, Im the one hurting and still your the one having fun! (I still wonder what I was lacking still you could do such fucked up things...) I gave up everything to be with you, and sacrifice so much with you, I've been thru ups and definitely fucking down with you, but sometimes I think you weren't even thankful. Because if that game was your word of appreciation, then you've got to look for help.

I never knew a person like you could do such things. To think you've learnt from the first, but I guess you never did learn. No wait you did learn but you've learn different things. That wasn't supposed to be adapt but it was suppose to be a lesson! (lets we both pray hard that karma don't get to you, because if it did, you cant runaway and if you have grown up from what you are then you are not gonna make it anywhere!) But I give hands up for fooling me! If you were among the 'playas clan' they would have when Whoaa!! And if you were to be nominated for the Oscar, you would beat any other actors nominated!

Why did you cry when that was what you wanted? Why did you stop me when you wanted me to go? Why did you hurt me when all I did was tried to make you happy? Why were so dumb to think you can runaway from all these? Why did you even bother when you actually didn't even give a flying fuck? Above all this, why did you say you loved me and when you were loving everyone else?

Sadly, no matter how fucked up you are, and no matter how much I hate you right now; I still cant let go of you, and I still cant stop thinking and worrying about you.

Now, my last WHY is; why did you cry when I said I was gonna leave?

What should I do?

Why?

I like putting myself into trouble. I dont know why! I guess I attract trouble and drama! Got some magnectic force in me! LOL. Its so hard now when everything is decided at early hand without thinking the outcome. How am I to deal with this? What should I do?

Everything happen at once. So fast. That I had not think of the posibilities if..

Maybe I wanted so bad to just live on my life. But now, it all hits me back so hard! What Im doing now is so wrong, and so fucking bad! (what goes around comes around they say...) I guess I just have to wait for karma again. Fucking karma! Someone once dedicated a song to me, it goes like this, "..heartbreaker you've got the best of me.." Ring a bell? Yea! I hate heartbreakers, i hate being heartbroken and i hate breaking people's heart! But then why? At the end of the day Im either one of those! I honestly am lost with myself. Complicatingly lost!

I have to do something before it gets worse. I cant afford to hurt anyone around me, with my doings. If only I could pause the world just for a few hours. And let me think in peace by myself. But in reality that just doesnt happen! Everything just ticks and ticks and doesnt stop ticking til you leave the stage. (refering to a posting, the world is a stage and we are the actors)

If the truth was announced, would it hurt?

DUH? Truth hurts! But I've got to state it out. And stop lying to myself or to others! (once you start lying you'll never stop..) How should I state out the truth? Where should I begin? What should I even say? I've always advice people to stop running away from their issues, but I want to runaway from this one! But I know I should not. Because I know how it feels like. Its not easy saying out the truth especially when you know you are in the wrong and it would bring tears to your eyes. (smoke gets in your eyes... )

Im so sorry.

Im so sorry. Im just so sorry. Im not angel. What Im doing is so wrong and I know that. But Its better it happen now then later when everything is already more fucked up. you can punch me if you want? Anything. ( you see how im not good at all this things! Its hard! WHY!?)