Speak my mind

Hmmm, I'm just so lost. Plan A didn't work, and smart me I didn't plan Plan B. So now I'm stuck. Btw, this is in general. I'm stuck in every way.

Let's start with my career. Just heard about how MAS is revising all contract crew latest by January 8th, 2008. They'll let go the one's with bad records. IM SO FUCKED! And well, I thought I got a second chance but well I guess I didn't get that second chance yet. It's so stressful. I'm stuck, and I just dont know what to fucking do. Sometimes I just wish I could talk to my family about this, but I'm shitless scared. And it's gonna bring them down, especially MUM! No point regretting, but I'm just hoping and praying that I do get a second chance. I want to start fresh, and prove it that I could do it! PLS PLS PLS. I cant afford to ruine anything now, or anytime.

FAMILY is another problem. I feel like just going away again, because I know I just cant handle the stress and pressure that's put on me. But I also know that they need me, and I'm not going to repeat the same mistake I did before. HOW? FUCKING HOW? I thought everything would fall into place, but it's not and if it doesn't get better I see a breakdown soon; I CANT AFFORD THAT! I really don't know what to anymore, I'm blank. What some more ways are there? Sometimes I wish I have my mum's strength, to go through all this. I'm already using losing it, and I'm so fragile and vulnerable now that anything could happen. I dont want to say something that I would regret for the rest of my life, and keeping it in a bottle just doesn't help. The bottle pun got no space already. It's gonna burst if nothing is done! HELP! FUCKING HELP!!

And the least important in my life now but in every way its affecting me and I just don't know why, MY FUCKING LOVE LIFE! Let someone love you more then you love them. What if I know, I will never get to love them? What do I say? Should I say it? After he confesses his love to me? Why must he do that? Now, the guilty concious is kicking in so badly and as normal, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! And I just don't want to run anymore. Maybe I should give it a try, but my heart is just not allowing me too, and it's not allowing him to get in. A heart has a mind of it's own sometimes, and I just wish I could control that mind. *sigh

15 selected; 2 gentlemens & 13 ladies.

That 2 gentlemens wasnt me or Ricky. Well I guess we tried. But this is the best part, 2 ladies from the selected 13 is working with the company that handle's Etihad's recruitment. Weird eyh? When she sat at our table, and when "..aren't you working with the company.." question popped out, she answered in a very gelabah way. And then I guess she realized that a few of us at the table rolled their eyes; so she automatically took out a statement "..but only for a month..". (obviously we know why she suddenly said it, without anyone asking)

And I didn't get it, there was only 1 Indian (punjaby maybe), 1 Malay, and the rest was chinese. 2 experience crew and the rest were freshies. And it strictly said for the ladies, "attire:formal/working knee length skirt ....................... strictly no pants" but guess what, the experience crew that was selected was using pants. I really dont get it, but I guess rules are meant to be broken then.

Oh well, guess tak de rezeki la tuh. Nvm, we can always try again. It doesnt need to be Etihad, right? There's Singapore Airlines next month if I'm not mistaken. Try je la.

241107

Its a big date! Damn it! Im so fucking scared guys! I haven't been for a formal interview for so fucking long! I'm losing my confidence man! LOSING IT! HELP!

WISH ME LUCK YEA!

Its been sleepless nights for me.

Damn, I'm working in 2 hours. And still I haven't had enough sleep. Tdo, bangun, tdo, bangun.

2 more fucking days til "the" interview! And honestly I'm scared. I'm very confident that I get a place in Etihad, but there's this small voice in my head saying I wont. And I dont know how I'm gonna handle this rejection. I want the job. I really do. I want a fresh a new start; MAKING THINGS RIGHT IS WHAT I WANT! And I'm hoping and praying that I do get this "2nd chance". And I'll prove it that I'll make it this time.

I fucked it up big time with my current job, and I guess not only this job, even my studies. I want this "2nd chance" so I could straighten my life out. Get everything back in order in my life, and most importantly help out my family which I have always wanted to do but I just could not afford it. My family has work my ass for me, and well soon they would be tired. And by that time I'll make sure I could afford all the assistants needed.

If I do get the job, I know it's gonna be hard for me to leave my family and them letting me go but I hope they understand that sacrifices must be made. You cant have everything you want. I'm wiling to make that sacrifice, not just for my family but for me, MYSELF! And hours before this my friend said something "..stop thinking about your friends, now its about you. You know you want the job, so take it and go for it! Dont push back because of your friends, if they are your friends they'll support you all the way.." I'm hoping that my friends do support me with this.

It's gonna be a big change in my life, and I want that change and I know that this change would be for the better. Insya-allah.

Tragedi Atrium!

OMG guys, AWIE was in da house! DAMN he looked damn fine. Be my daddy please..

Camera's were flashing, We were still ROCKIN'! pt II

Ok lets start from the left yea? Me, Nabz, Emma, Is @ going-to-be-hubby, Me, Chong @ Shahrul, Rashdan. (ok the camera was abit shaky since Nabz tak pandai tangkap gambar but Is is so cute..)

Me, Zam (a new friend we met!), Me, Princess, Rashdan, Ayun, Linda, Nadia, Me, and yang terselit kat tepi and bawah is Ayun and Raj.

Rashdan, Lyn, Me, Lyn, Sophia, Me, Nabz.

And most definitely STARZ of the night, Mr. Izzyaezy, Ms. Alia B & Ms. Lynfunkstar!

"we hate the lights, it makes us a star!"

My god, how could i forget we met AWIE! AWIE! LOL* Took pics with him, but I dont know whose camera! I WANT IT! And I'm telling you Lyn was wet the second she saw him! LOL* And my my, I kiss alot of girls yesterday, damn! And I topped BEST KISS! P E R A S A N!

Camera's were flashing, We were still ROCKIN'!

Damn good night man! Its 0630am and Azan Subuh pun dah didengar and I just got home man! I swear I'm gone, but LOL today it wasn't me who OD'd! LINDA and NADIA! LOL* Tulaa duk kutuk aku lagi, baru tau! Camera's were everywhere, but we still were rockin'!

7 or 8 bottles guys? Can't remember but damn there was this bitch that I just HATE! My god, she was shaking and darling your love handles, no WAIT it was your excess FATS flying everywhere! Wrong place to be darling, ATRIUM ain't a whore place, go to Beach Club; YOU MIGHT GET LUCKY, and I'm gonna repeat this particular word; MIGHT!

Ricky is now currently seeing this guy, lets call him 'R'. Don't want to create anymore controversy kan? But yea 'R'. Hehe, I knew they were gonna head there. And to think 'R' has been in the picture for so long, straight some more! (i know, it was a big joke to me to when he said he was straight! BELIEVE ME! Love you 'R'!)

Lyn went off with someone, and she's not telling who. Actually I know who, but she didn't say what she did. But when she came back; she was messed up! DIRTY WHORE!

Most important, I think I found "the one", Is. I think he is gonna proposed to me soon. Or I'll make sure he proposes to me. Hehe. Crossing my fingers! And to Nabz thanks for bringing him out man, and your man is fine bitch! Chong or Shahrul wei? I was so confused on whether to call him Chong or Shahrul! LOL*

I WANT IS! IS IS MINE!!!! FUCK OFF ALL YOU PPL!!!
(if I find out one of you bitches try to get him, I swear you would actually know the real meaning of a controversy/drama/Izmil's mouth/BITCH! Kidz ya'll!)

Hehe, we got date this 24Th and he promised that we gonna PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR! (and I'm hoping by then he realizes that I'm the one for him and then he falls in love with me and we live happily ever after!) And this time party is at Langat, imagine! MUST ATTEND! Now now, I need to sleep, will post up beautiful pics tmrw! I mean later.

Just for the record.

"It ends tonight.." or "it just ended.." meaning..

Not the relationship that we had together because I know it ended way before the 2 yrs, but what ended was YOU. I would have been much much better of without you in my life. (this is prolly the bitter side of me talking..) It's hard for me to do, sad but true its the only way for me to move on.

This is where I realize that I love you too much.

Thanks Khad for listening and talking to me. You always know what to say.

Khad : You reckon you'll be alright if your ex blogs about you? Bad and good?
Good question Khad, but you see they dont need blog to do it. Without me doing anything they still talk. I show my flaws and bad sides, I dont hide it. I want people to accept me for my good and bad. I dont potray innocence, you all should know that.

So then comes the question..

Why do I have to publish someone else's dirty laundry?
Self satisfaction? NOPE! Its because, I still care. As what Khad said, "..you moved on when you no longer care.." .

ONCE A BITCH, ALWAYS A BITCH!

Pertaining to this matter, this would be my last post. It's time I stop caring because at the end of the day it's me that's hurting and not you.

CHEERS!

(what a peaceful day.. And I got called back for another interview with ETIHAD! YAY! Wish me luck!)

People ask why am I a BITCH?

Simple. Because I've got people like all of you to keep up to. Think about it, you've prolly met bigger bitchest that I am. So why is there such a big fuss of my RE-VAMP-BITCH-ATTITUDE? Why I decided to do this? Because of bitterness. Why be so humble and nice and all sweet bullshit when you know you have the power to conquer and destroy!? LOL* Just kidding yea. No I mean, people at the end of the day wont care about your feelings but theirs. SO why do you have to be the nice one and bother about theirs?

I'm not saying dont care about theirs, but always think about yourself first then others? Besides your real friends, and family who else do you have man? YOU AND YOURSELF!

Enough of trying to be nice, and innocent but in the back your just this evil bitch trying to break out! Just be yourself and ignore the judging and criticism from others. As long as your friends and family accept you the way you are and well hopefully your "lover" or "partner" accept it than i guess its cool kan? Dont change the way you are, if its for someone else. If your a BITCH and stick with being a bitch. Fuck them, who needs them anyway! :)

Surprisingly, my latest post is even hot among some crew. LOL* And question ask to me today was, "..why did you change? Why suddenly so bitter and angry?.." And honestly sweethearts, I've always been this way, I toned down for awhile thinking Im all settled and bullshit and not realizing that I toned down because of someone else and not because of myself. So now I want to be myself, whether you like it or not. Im just a bitch, and I bitch at the right time.

Just for the record, I dont want war but peace within. So this is my peace within! Im done!

Cheers! :)

Hotstuff? Controversy? Izmil's mouth?

Apparently after my latest post, people have been reading this blog of mine.

SO? Im a ruthless bitch who dont fucking care about anyone's feeling but myself. And if I dont care about my fucking feelings than fucking who would? ANSWER ME!? WOULD YOU? WOULD ANYONE?

We're talking about feelings and so suddenly you cared about mine? WHY? After all I've written now you wanna preach about my blog?

"The last sentence in the blog says after 1 year I will cheat. May I ask who cheated after just one month?.." Please dont get me started on that. This actually gives me a wake up call that it's over, and its finally over. I'm happy that I've said what I said and I'm happy that its finally over, but I'm sad that today I've finally realized that I wasted my love to someone who I barely even know. NEVER AGAIN!

Peace man, and take care whoever you are. If you people think that my blog is obscene and vulgar than DONT FUCKING READ IT!

"Pls pls pls Izmil, control your emortions next time, we are friends?.." LOL* Boggest joke! Please man, I know who my friends and I know who isn't. Enough of all the bullshit, maybe this is a good thing for me, a hard slap on my face! "..I guess all this is not worth it for you to still be stuck on,.." true Sally I totally agree. NOW.

It ends here and it ends tonight!

(sorry if anyone is hurt by all my blog, if you dont like it leave a comment or just dont read it! You wont hurt if you dont know anything about it. And I think I'm going nuts! LOL*)

Cheated; Sex over friendship?

Cheated again.

Wow some people just never learn. And I guess this time, its proven that well sex is much much more important then friendship. But well, who cares his just my ex that your trying to do. Its sad that after all that you still havent learn, and reasons you give its fucked up! Why cant you just admit, ADMIT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU FUCKING CHEAT AND NOT SOME INNOCENT FUCKER WHO DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT CHEATING IS.

Excuses like, "..i'll cheat when I know my partner cheats.." WTF? That's just way low. Childish. GROW THE FUCKING UP! Stop the innocent act and admit the fact bitch! Your innocent act wont work when they know your tracks.,

Shocked, that a friend would choose sex over a friendship. Ok, not to say that we're BFF's but respect is the word. I know, I know his just my ex; but the fact is you know I'M WAY NOT OVER HIM AND YOU COULD STILL TRY YOUR LUCK WITH HIM? You better not "terlanjur" with him because if he could do it to his apparently "love" now he could do it to anyone and trust me he could do it. That's my advise to you.

Please please please don't let me see the both of you together,. No wait, please bump in to me. I wanna see the reaction on both of your faces!! LOL* I better bring my camera along nowadays. ;-) They always say, snap a picture, it'll last you longer!

I give it 2 weeks and you'll be in love, not him but you. 3 months there will be plans for marriage and 1 year til he cheats on you. Good luck honey.

CHEERS!

Lyn, CYBERJAYA?

Cyberjaya Lyn? Wow, sanggup! :-) Oooh baby growing up already!

Caught a FLU, and I'm blaming LYN! She started the whole flu thing and it caught on to Ricky and now me! But it cleared up abit tho, because I put a lil pinch of colgate under my nose, above the upper lip. It actually work man!! Lol*

Hmmm, so now its "sayang".. How arh? Hehe., Sometimes it "baby" to. I like "baby", it sounds so sexy. Must tell him later on.

Sleeping time! Cherios!

OH GOD I'VE GOT WORK!

Damn, this HTML thingy is so confusing. I know its a bit disorientated but don't worry will do it properly soon. But it's quite ok for a beginner to do is eyh?

I've got to get ready for work, and I don't feel beautiful at all! Touch-wood, but the stomach upset is gone! YAY!

Penang layover again,. Thank god for WIFI!

Haven't received a txt yet, guess your still in the meeting! :-(
Me:I'm sorry but I'm a lil manja at times, dont know whether you would like it but I'm manja..

Him:Don't worry sayang, I'm manja too. ;-)

So now, we both can manja manja together gether kan?? LOL*

FUCK OFF GERMS!

Damn it, I think I caught germs in my body. I'm having food poisoning! And I'm so tired already. Asked Lyn whether did she caught it as well, but she said no so I dont know where this germ is from but it better hell leave because I'm working and I'm tired of going back and forth to the bathroom!

:(

Same old brand new day. *Gee

God, it has been such a tiring day. My flight got delayed and the sectors were ridiculous! My god, the company is getting better apparently on reports but I don't see which part? *sigh

Well, nothing much has been happening lately. Just the normal thingy. Meeting new people, going for parties, either home or out with the usual. Indirectly still seeking for that someone out there, cant say for eternity but just that someone to just be with me, someone I could console with, someone I could manja with, just that someone., but well, as they said the more you look; the more it just hides, places obviously you cant find. Now, I'm just chillin', living my normal daily life with a slight hope that I'll meet that someone. (just a slight hope.. you cant stop a man from hoping kan??)

As normal, another day another drama kan? Either way drama is just attracted to me. Its like its in love with me! As normal la kan, sure got drama my life. Let's see; the latest? Just drama in the household. Moving out and things like that laa, so family abit stress out. Alot of things are still kucar-kacir. Well, I blame a little bit on myself cuz I still haven't actually sat down and actually discuss everything out., I'm just scared that well you know, cakap tak seruba bikin. I know how I am, so that is why I chose to just be quiet and see how things is. Example, my career. I've already done the first step which is submitting my resume but just to Etihad. Submit with Tareq. Hoping we do get it tho,. And yes it'll be a big change in my life cuz first I'll be base in Abu Dhabi and second without my family around me. I mean fuck I wont be in the some country so yea.

I know mummy not really encouraging me to go, well being a mother right and it is quite a distance from here. She wants me to join SQ, and I've been explaining to her that I don't want to work for SQ and explaining to her the difference tp as normal she is just so degil, like me laa! I know, it's a real big step for me in my life and i know the worries and all but honestly I think this would really help me; not just for my resume and my career line but as well my perception to things in life. I want to go through this. I'm seeking for experience, I'm seeking for wisdom and if I do want to achieve that there are things that I have to sacrifice and I hate sacrificing those things but sooner or later I've got to anyways. *sigh. I'm just hoping if I do get it, first I really want the restu from both of my parents to let me go and secondly; to actually have the strength the to leave everything behind mainly my family, and my most worried problematic brother, and obviously my friends!

My family and my friends are prolly my pillar in my life. These people are 1 big reason why I'm still here and still surviving. Another person, which I'm so afraid to be apart is Ricky. He is like my brother. I think he is my soul mate. He understands me, he knows what I'm thinking, he just knows me. And after everything I've done, he is still with me and still being my strength. I did survive when he was gone to Aussie, but not this time. I think what we went through has changed my thinking. I really hope, he does get it with me. If not my family, at least him being there would be just fine.. I really love him! (not in that way, but in every other way..) I don't say that alot to him, but I know he knows how much he means to me., Soul mate for life man! Soul mate for life! (yea I know, corny but yea its true..)

OooOOo, forgot, as normal i met someone,. and yes i know you guys are bored with this topic. He so small and cute.. Imagine, he is 165cm and I'm 180cm. Alot of difference kan? He's 31yo, bald, career man, stable, Iranian Egyptian and malay, still lives with his family which is so cute. Well, his not HOT but just nice. His personality really attracts me. He's not out on the gay scene which I like, he didn't get clingy right after the date. He has his own life, and he lets me have my own as well. And most important is HE DIDN'T FALL IN LOVE! But I don't know where its heading, but I'll be lying if I said I don't mind letting it head to somewhere but at a real slow pace which what is happening right now. Getting to know stage, just on the phone, txting and all. But we both agreed to take it slow; just don't want to make a mistake. Til now, still no turn off points. I don't know cuz I don't really know him that well, and obviously he hasn't shown me his bad side so will see I guess. His not really the party type, I guess for his age his been thru all of it already. He doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs which I'M SO DEFINITELY FINE WITH! And he speaks English really well which is a point up! Ok, enough about him now. I don't want to jinx anything.

I remember there was this one time Lyn was asking Ricky ".. do you think I dont care what people say?? I do you know, I really do.." I realize, in a way me and Lyn is abit similar. You know Lyn, the reason why maybe people think we don't care is because we made people think of us that way! We are so scared to show our weakness so we fake our strength. Yes maybe we are stronger than others but I know we weak girl, we are really weak. Maybe not you, but I'm weak. I realized that I made a mistake by saying things that could lead to become my image., or something like, "..oh that's typical Izmil thing to do.." or maybe "..you've been Izmiled!.." or I don't know what some more laa. Honestly, sakit hati sometimes. Especially when they just take out statements that they think its funny but maybe to some other people its not., But I can't blame them in away as well, I've wrongly portrayed what I actually wanted to portray.

Like, for example "..are you really going for him because you like him or just because of the money..?" Sometimes I terasa when they say that. Honestly, I've never gone out with someone because of money or because of their wealth! With Johan, it was just my luck he was born rich and rich by himself, and yes at times I still do ask him for help but that's about it. Sometimes, I wish I could tell you guys the whole truth but I rather just keep things to myself., And the fact that I was with him when I was 18 so at that age, yes I wanted to live my life and I did. And in the long run, til now I admit that he still helps me and yes I know he wants me in return and he knows that it's just gonna take more than just money and things for me to get back with him., i appreciate all the things his done for me, and everyday I thank him because I know for now that is all I could afford to do..

Sometimes, I say things like, "..well his got the car and money.." but I honestly don't say it full-heartily you know. I just think that its a blonde thing to say. I mean, fuck; if I actually did go for money, do you think I would have went out with Ein? For bloody 2 years? Yes I do admit that money would be important in the long run, but my first thing I seek wouldn't be money in someone. Its a bonus if his rich but that's about it.. I don't want ppl to salah anggap that's all.. Just really terasa sometimes.., as I said i cant really blame them; my fault for putting that image! DAMN IT! Alot of things jgak laa that I really terasa, but maybe it's all karam. I've got bad karma man!

Pheww,.