Just some scribbles..

Drained out.

Damn, alot has happen - I just dont know where to begin.

Training has been good, tough I must say. Its so much more different than the last training I went through 4 years ago. Everything is cram up into 1 month - we have so much to cover from service wise, safety and first aid and aviation security took us 6 days! And it's draining out alot of my energy. Waking up 0600HRS and just to reach 5 minutes before class starts - 0900HRS. And the fact that I've got no papers to survive its even harder. Thank god so far on the paper side, I've got certain people that are helping out. God bless you guys seriously! :-)

DON'T WORRY, WHEN IM STABLE THAN IT'D BE ON ME OK? P R O M I S E.

I'm sorry if anyone is hurt during recent matters.

I know maybe sorry is not enough, especially coming from me but I want to share my part of the story. I never had any intention at the beginning of everything - because I never actually thought things would spark up again. But yes I would be lying if I'd say that I was not interested. Then we started to hang out alot, when to parties - obviously in a group. We got quite close, the feel of care appeared, attraction was there, obvious flirting and sometimes a lil tease. Until one day, it started affecting us and feeling of 'what the fuck is going on?' or in a shorter term, confused crawled up our mind.

First confrontation happened, from him - he pointed out that he doesnt want to send the wrong signals to me. He clarified the whole situation and made it clear that we're just friends. I was upset I admit but I was damn hell of a good actor. Pulled the "..yea I'm ok, don't worry. I guess as much as well..'. You would thing that after all that you wont meet for awhile but I thought NO I dont want to show that I lost, I dont want to show that I was actually upset and I still acted as cool as possible. So we still continued chillin out as per normal and then here it comes again, another confrontation. And I think it started because of my MSN status - cant remember what tho.

This time we still maintained the fact that we're friends but now there was a lil confession of feelings to. So yea, we both agreed that attraction is there; the feelings are different now but blaming it to time constraint, and the fact that I was starting work already and then I'll be going off for a quite a long time and a few other points. Still after that, things didn't change in fact it got even more heated up. We were both just going with the flow, and we didn't actually rush into it. And it got better and better. I never got to know why did he change his mind of things but I'm glad that he is actually willing to give a try. Everything is going really well, and I'm happy and according to him his happy as well.

But I was pushed back when suddenly my surrounding changed. It made me feel as though people think that I'm not good enough for him. Sometimes I even feel that I stole him away. Or maybe "..oh, typical Izmil doing it again..". I never meant it for it to happen, but I'm only human and yes I've made plenty of mistakes and I'm still trying to repent them. The feeling just grew, from a small seed to a beautiful spectacular amazing flower. Some say it's some sort of a pattern of mine - I'm really sorry and I can't say much if that's how you feel because everyone would judge me as my track records are quite known. I guess, when you have the name, clearing it would be something impossible to do.

Guys, I admit I dont know how far this would go but I'm still gonna give a try. I want to take this chance that's been given. And I didnt get this chance the last time. Thing's has been really good recently and I'M HAPPY.

Avoiding?

Maybe I could be paranoid but I feel as though avoiding is the game that your playing. And I just dont know what to do, because I'm so confused. I know my time spent was more with him and I like just went missing - it was all because things we're heating up, butterflies in the stomach and also I didn't want to jinx the situation. I thought when it actually happen then I would tell. But I guess words spread and people started to assume and passing judgements. But most of all I was just confused, I did'nt know whether it'd be the right thing to do but please believe me when I say I really really really didnt mean to hurt anyone.

Im up at 6am! :-)

Just woke up from sleep, not a deep one tho but a good sleep. Slept at about 1.30am. Well, training has been fun and at the same time boring. But I guess it'd be ok. Damn it's already been a week I've been in training! :-)

Things are getting better now, I guess. Altho I know someone is away from the group, and I'm hoping that she does come back. It's always nice to know that your twin is with you. :-)

Got to get ready for work. Lol!

xoxo

Its Saturday night!

And guess what guys, I'm home on a Saturday night. Shish. Some more it's my last weekend before i start with Jet Airways.

xoxo

"FULL" figure? WTF?

Woke up late as hell, really had a good sleep. Woke up at about 1500hrs. A sudden crave to get something for myself - rush for shower and headed straight out. I bought me self a pair of slacks, for work. So the money didn't go to waste. IT WAS A NECESSITY. Drag Clara along - poor thing been back for a few days from Melbourne but only now when and see her.

So anyways, back to the issue here. As I was trying a pants and the retail lady looked at me said (i think she saw me giving that face like shit it's so tight below my waist..) "..I think it's because you have a full figure..." (like a women, FULL FIGURE? WTF?) And after me giving that wtf look, she can still continue (I don't get her.. she not scared I punch her ke?) saying "..your bottom is..." and as she was about to continue i said, "..it's better you dont continue what you going to say because its a sensitive issue.." and she B L O O D Y D I D N T S T O P! ! ! ! She went on about how this pants would so go with me, and well Clara agreed. So I bought it!

Ok, I know I'm running away from the issue but I'm actually not. What I'm trying to say here is,. AM I PUTTING ON THAT MUCH WEIGHT TILL A BLOODY RETAIL LADY COULD TELL ME THAT I'M FULL FUCKING FIGURE!? AND THAT MY BOTTOM IS BIG!? :-s

Maybe I'm just to paranoid about what other people think of me which is obviously true, but what if I like how I look now, and I don't want to be thin and drugged up no more and in fact I think I want to put a lil more weight, just prolly another kg or two? NO?

A wonderful night.

Tho maybe I'm taking it the wrong way but I like to rate tonight a wonderful night - in whatever way its supposed to be. I guess the time alone you were talking about happen, unplanned. There's nothing that I'm hoping for, but maybe just one even in anyway it doesn't work out, don't walk away. You kind of make me smile laa, K I N D O F F! ! ! Don't need to angkuh all, but yes you do.

The night was fabulous - a good ending for a beautiful month. :-s

*sigh

Just some pics of me new hair. Thanks to Alis.

Is it that bad? Just 1 more week of holiday and I decide to color my hair! :-) I was actually just trying to kill time because I had nothing to do at home, so why not do my hair. I mean if it fucks up I could just go to Guardian and dye it black.

Yes I know Im balding. Please do not comment on that! I'm using the Himalaya product now, and hoping it will help. My hair is more thicker now compared to the last month.

Back home early, but yet I'm still awake.

Having indomee at 2 in the fucking morning! And then you complaint that your putting on weight. Gee, maybe the weight is coming from your bad eating habits - late night meals, timing of eating has run off,. But its so good, so damn good. The taste of indomee with telur mata on the side. Add a lil bawang goreng and it would all just be perfect.

*nyam nyam.

I would wanna take a picture, but I ate it half way already. :-s

Well the guy that Ricky had a rendezvous thing seems to be a nice chap. Haven't met him, but no force. Let him take his time to get to know Ricky first then later get to know the package. He is still abit to shy to meet friends, and some more we don't know where its gonna lead I guess. Let's hope it works out for them both.

*throws petals of roses and wishes good luck.
*just took my last bite of indomee, now heading for ice cream for desserts.

I was fooled! There was no ice cream, but ok there's COCO CRUNCH! So nice. :-) Now me go shower, just realize my hair was showered with hairspray. (I dont know why, but today my stylist sprayed damn loads of hairspray!)

Im home b4 midnight!

I'm on my bed at 20 minutes pass midnight. Cool eyh? But well, I've got alot of errands to do tomorrow - settle my house thingy, got to go CIMB to settle my credit card etc, etc. SO much to do in so little time. Got to settle all of this before my training tho. Some more I'll be gone for awhile, hate it when I go away for awhile. I feel like I miss out on things, and then I'll para - people here don't miss me.

*LOL

MISS ME OK! After I sad no one miss me. :-s

I'm running low on stash man, and I'm getting more stress looking at it going less and less and much lesser - suddenly finish! SPLAT! That is how I would feel. (ok, freakin' out! WTF I just said??) OMFG, shit! Is it better this way? At least i'm looking at a different kind rite?

*was on the phone with Bazz. (keshian him he had to layan me..)

Sleeping off.

Aint going to layan this para. Sleep it off. I've gotta be up early anyways! Cheerios!

xoxo

Im losing my appetite to eat! :-s

Darned. I'm losing my appetite to eat. I don't know but lately I only eat at night, but morning all don't have anymore. Sometimes only laa, but the feeling of "I WANT TO EAT" doesnt come anymore. :-( Its a good thing tho, at least I dont eat that much, so my weight dont fly up the sky unexpectedly. Kan?

Ricky said I should do something about my hair! I also think so now, after a few washes its getting a lil off the color I wanted. (maybe if I color it brown a lil then it would be ok kan? It will look like shades of brown..) Dropped Ricky at Vistana Hotel for a secret rendezvous with this someone. I think his hormones are really running on high speed now! Even sober also so horny. Shish! But so nice kan, at least he is getting some action. ONE OF US HAS TO LA, IT WAS THE DEAL WE MADE!

*boredom

Now I'm bored don't know what to do. Stuck at home for awhile. Maybe later will fetch Ricky, at least got something to do. Chill for awhile. Will txt him in abit! :-s

*LOL

A massive colour turnaround.

Woke up at 1300Hrs, was just about to do some cleaning up then suddenly I hear a bunch of dangling keys budging through the door - mother walks in with newspaper and a bunch of other stuff. Heading straight to the kitchen, as tho as she is in a rush but still pulling a cool face. And just after all that was sorted out, did a lil cleaning up in the hall and a sudden plan of Lyn to come over and chill for abit then meet up with the others later.

Next thing I know, she was sitting down at the dining table having lunch with my mum,. Enjoying every bite that goes into her mouth and best part she was using her bloody hands - Lyn is not the kind you would see to use her hands to eat. (that's how I look at it laa,,..) You know how she like to pull the "I'm a brat-face" alot,. (no la, ok la I admit maybe abit laa.. but I love it Lyn!)

*LOL

Gosh, what am I babbling about again?

*suddenly minds get empty. BLANK!

Well we all met up at IKEA - the bench near the exit. Had a lil bites on curry puff. (so delicious..)Then we headed back to Myrez TTDI Condo to chill; in 2 seperate cars. As we (Lyn, Feruz, Bzzt.. obviously with me laa..) sampai the condo we could see Bazz rushing out as tho something terrible happened and me being too fucked I could not understand a single bit of what he said. Only after I settled down a lil, and thought about what Bazz said than only I know that something terrible actually happen! (OMFG, I'm way gone now!) And, I'm so sorry Bazz that I didn't get you the first time. Really really sorry. Hope everything there is alrite yea?

We were sort of like chilling at the lobby for awhile tho, and we made it our chill out session man!
MYREZ LEFT CONDO'S KEYS AT HOME! OH NO! LOL!

So lobby it was. After god knows how many cars that pass us by suddenly came Ms. Myrez driving into the guard house and heading towards us. Being so cute and colourful today, came out and took out her desktop. (which obviously she wont be using that much after she gets the hold of her lappys,..) And finally into the condo., such a cozy place and area altho it faces the cemetery but its so relax and windy.., so cold. Karan and Feruz moved a cupboard out from Myrez's room to the hall which actually looks very nice in the hall. Makes the place a lil more classic, and full. Not crampy but it compliments everything else,. SO HARD TO EXPLAIN!

*:-s

xoxo

Still high and flying

Listening to J Holiday in the background just makes me feel so empty. "..I'm staring at you while ur asleep.." is something I wish or at least its something I wanna feel before I leave this beautiful world. The feeling of true love, so strong and definitely unbreakable - til death do us part so they say.. How is it are we to achieve this feeling? Especially when everything feels the same during the first "butterfly in your stomach" month. Every time we meet someone new, everything just seems so right - seems so perfect. Why don't we judge them true their flaws first than to fall for the good ignoring the bad?

*Background music Valentine by The Get Up Kids

We always remind ourselves before taking that first step but yet we still make the same mistake. And somehow it becomes this trend we create on our self which leads to a bad image put on ourselves. Maybe because what we seek somehow don't match what the others seek? I would be lying if I say at times yes I do just seek for sex and nothing more than that, but sadly I'm a 'relationship whore' and sadly I have to say that there are not much of my kind around now. Doesn't anyone now want to feel what's it like to love and be loved? Has the feeling of sex powered down the feeling of love? If this how it is now, sadly I would choose to walk away from all this and let go of everything.

*Background music Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

Lalala is what is spinning in my head now, just spinning and spinning. 0421Hrs is the time and I think I babbled up something about love. Its something that I'm missing alot. I wanna be loved and I definitely want to love. It's something that would complete me. It would balance my darkness in life, a certain part that you could call my alter ego. Plus me not working now is affecting me even more,. I'm out every night, I'm partying alot ignoring my problems and pretending that everything is ok when it is actually not ok. Clearly I'm running away from my priorities - and certainly that's not me. I'm not lacking in anyway, just maybe I'm just not paying attention too much to my family which I know is not stable now. I just feel somehow I need a rest away from them but not because I don't love them but just because I could handle a certain limit of drama and when it gets tooooooo dramatic already, I just don't know how to handle it and I'll leave.

Gosh, my eyes are getting really heavy already. I wonder why. Shish.

Well, I've got exactly 1 more week til work starts. And believe it or not, I have not resign from MAS. SHIT! I think I should go do it next week. Settle whatever I have to settle before anything happens. I mean they can fire me, but that's about it I guess. Aiyo, paranoia hitting in already!

*Background music Empty by The Click Five

Its empty. Sigh. We're empty. If all of us are empty then maybe we are all trying to hard. I just realize how its so true! Maybe we should all not try so hard then everything will be perfect. Right? I think I should be buzzing of soon. I'm thinking way to deep and my mind is tired. This will be continued definitely!