A story about a Seeker.

This is a story about a Seeker,
beginning the journey of his life,
walking thru every path,
still young; fresh
and being so alive,
just seeking for the one who seeks.

Many he had stumbled upon,
many he had hurt,
some that made him believe a lie,
some that just made him wanna die,
one's that made him cry
and one's that made him fly high.

The Knight of Power began the Seeker's journey,
too powerful that he bowed down,
leaving him to hurt his pain,
but power was what the Seeker gain.

Then came a Commoner
who traveled far for a new journey,
just as what the Seeker was seeking,
but it was greed that got him onto the Commoner's train,
so it was greed for why it end
and maturity was what he gain.

The Seeker's journey continued,
taking advantage of what he has,
using it for all the wrong reasons,
this left many heartbroken innocents'
led to a curse sworn,
which turned his journey into a total darkness
and all truth had prevailed.

Faith kept the Seeker going,
although a thousand regret's he was bearing,
as forgiveness he was searching
and acceptance he was seeking
for both he had gained,
and gave him light to his darken terrain.

On a bright and sunny beautiful day,
suddenly a Wisdom Writer passes towards his way,
he struggled,
he chased,
he jumped,
he climbed,
finally he got into the Writer's train
and from that day on,
his journey had never rained.

Now the Wisdom Writer and the Seeker,
writes a new journey together,
walking in deeper and deeper
letting go, never;
as their days are always beautiful with the sun shinning so bright,
the perfect full moon that always lights their nights;
and if ever was a day, they actually part,
The Seeker said "He will always, always write my heart..".

Winter itch.

Winter is so not my climate. Its so cold here in Brussels, the last I checked at the billboard from the view of my balcony - 2 degrees. Walking at the Main St. shivering and clenching my tooth. Rushing into the Zara just to get the feel the heater. Zara had nice shoes on sale tho. Then headed to a flee market. Again, nice shoes. I aint gonna shop this trip tho, plus I don't think I need more shoes. Like I don't have enough at home. :-)

Walk through a long stretch of whore street. Seriously. So nice, they promote/show themselves inside the shop through a glass and most of them were black and I'm not being racist or what-so-ever. It was just weird. They all had those giant boobs! And they were trying to lure me like I would be into them? Shish. Can't they see I'm not interested. I was wearing a rainbow colored scarf.

It's 8pm here now, had early dinner just now at a Turkish Restaurant opposite my hotel. Sandwich pitta - it looks so small in the picture but I swear it's like 3 black dicks stick together. Imagine that. 3 big black dicks I mean.

Taking the advantage of the free wifi here now to download all my episodes. It's so fucking fast here. At least 4 episodes in 2 hours. It's going at 120 kB/s for download rate. Gotta get some rest now, flying of to Toronto tomorrow in the morning.

I haz you! :-)

Jet says sorry, and takes back all sacked staff.

MUMBAI: In a stunning U-turn, Jet Airways chairman Naresh Goyal late Thursday night announced the reinstatement of all 1,900 sacked employees and Jet Airways takes back all sacked staff Jet Airways chairman Naresh Goyal announcing reinstatement of sacked employees and asked them to return to work on Friday morning.

Apologizing for "the agony" that the staffers must have undergone, he said, "The management might not like my decision but sometimes there are disagreements within the family and as the head of the family, I am taking this decision."

Goyal said he had been unable to sleep because of recent events. "I am mentally disturbed with all this and I will not be able to live (like this) as long as I live my life." Calling it the most emotional day of his life he said, "My daughter is 19 years old. They (the sacked employees) are 20 or so. I cannot see their trauma and agony."

Distancing himself from the decision, he said the management had taken it on the basis of economic conditions in the industry. He claimed he didn’t even know the number of employees who had been sacked. "I was out of town and just flew back on Thursday night." He declined to commit himself on a revision of salaries although reports suggested that the staff might have to take a pay cut.

When asked if the company worked without his mandate, he said, "As chairman, it was my mandate to them to cut costs. The management had worked out an equation based only on arithmetic. But my conscience does not allow me to look at economics alone."

He denied that the volte-face was due to any political pressure. "I swear on my dead mother that I have not spoken to any politician." He said it was purely a personal decision, taken "as the father of the family" after he had seen "the tears of all the employees".

Goyal said the sacking had nothing to do with Kingfisher and that its alliance was altogether a different issue. "The alliance with Kingfisher is Jet Airways takes back all sacked staff Jet Airways chairman Naresh Goyal announcing reinstatement of sacked employees a synergy and a separate issue. A steering group has been constituted to work out rationalization of routes and other things," he said.

On the issue of cost-cutting, he said, "As a family we can sit together and work out how we continue to fly." He said cost-cutting would have to be done, but reducing staff wouldn’t make such an impact.

The sacked employees were overjoyed with the announcement. "We are all extremely pleased and thankful. We had always wanted to work with Naresh Goyal. We apologize if we hurt his sentiments during the protests," said a cabin crew member.

This is from The Times of India website.

WATCH THE VIDEO

YES YES YES! Please say this involves the foreign crew as well!

Gosh it's been years since I saw that familiar face!

I guess when I hate someone, I will always hate that someone.

Then again it's history. Would history repeat itself? I'll make sure it wont.

Watch me!

Jet Airways crew protest!

Go guys! Fight for us! Since we are here in KL there is nuthin much we can do, but you guys can!




Links for more protest video.

Jet Airways employees protest against retrenchment vid 1

Jet Airways employees protest against retrenchment vid 2

A SHOCKING letter from my company. Let's hope for the best.

October 15, 2008

Dear Colleagues,

Please find below a Statement of the Company with respect to certain adjustments in our network and work force.

The aviation industry in India, a USD 6 billion turnover industry, is expected to lose USD 2 billion in 2008-09. The economic viability of the industry has been severely affected by the record high fuel prices and most recently due to the crisis of the financial markets globally and the downturn in traffic.

Jet Airways had planned for a continuous growth in the domestic aviation market and the implementation of the first phase of its international expansion program.

However, the domestic market has declined by double digit figures in recent months. Apart from this, Jet Airways’ long haul expansion had to be pruned down due to international developments. Also in these difficult times, the number of flights Jet Airways will be offering in Winter schedule will be approximately 15% lower than originally planned. This is inevitable in view of the declining traffic volumes. Jet Airways expects these difficult market conditions to continue for some time. Jet has been watching the situation for some time in the hope that it may turn around, but has now reached a stage at which some hard decisions are inevitable.

As a consequence, personnel hired for the expansion, probationers and unconfirmed personnel, (who have been recently hired), will have to be released. As a first step, around 800 flight attendants, recently recruited for the planned expansion program, which has now been suspended, have been released. We are in the process of releasing personnel in other categories also.

The other categories include probationary and unconfirmed personnel in other areas including cockpit crew and management personnel to reflect the lower number of flights and seats offered. This will cut across all the activities of the Company. We wish to clarify that the reconsideration of our operations has been ongoing for some time now and this adjustment in personnel numbers did not result from the planned alliance with Kingfisher Airlines. If at all, improved economies in other areas would help obviate such step in the future.

As painful as it may be for every single person affected, this adjustment was inevitable in the greater interest of regaining viability of Jet Airways and to securing its economic health.

With best regards,

Wolfgang Prock-Schauer

Chief Executive Office

A shocking letter that I received today. Dealing with it is so hard - my fucking rice bowl is at risk and everyone knows no one messes with my food. I've been depending on people I love so much this pass months and sometimes I feel like I'm a burden to them. I sometimes feel useless when they ask for help. And finally I thought, hey since now im back on my 2 feet let's give them a rest. But it's not like the world's gonna end, I could do something else - right?

Brilliant idea?

Been thinking alot about my future, and obviously I want a stable and bright one. I don't think I wanna be in this career line for long. Something has to be done, and it's gotta start now. Research must begin.

Suddenly tonight, a brilliant idea was thought. Myrez's room.

Well I have been thinking about it, and I have brought up this matter - a good idea it seems. But tonight made me thought of it even deeply, and there is no harm on trying to propose this idea. I guess gathering some information regarding this and doing surveys and research should start.

Budget? Well, that must first be discuss. When there is a will, there is a way!

This could maybe be a good opportunity. Guess we gotta find out.

Just some scribbles in Brussels.

Its 2125 here, thats about 0325am at home. Brussels is lovely, the weather here is so nice. Internet is free here. YAY! Well we stay at Blooms Hotel. It's like a boutique hotel, very very ZEN interior. In my room, the walls are like painted - some kind of design/grafiti. Really cool!

Arrived Brussels from Chennai at about 0630 - 11 god damn hours of flight time. Thank god it was a light load. Surprisingly tho, it's normally damn freaking full all the way! Even tmrw my flight to Toronto is very light. Pheww. My set crew is nice, im the only steward tho besides my IFS. Got my allowance upon check in and fell asleep for a couple of hours. Oh, i'm flying with one of my batchmate - Suhaila.

Walked around the town, didnt had much time. Bought a sweater which is so cool, and a pair of skinny jeans. I had to! H&M. Not yet in Malaysia. The clothing line is really cun! On the way back I'll have another night in Brussels - might go walk around more. Didn't get to see much. Since I was at H&M for nearly an hour. LOL!

Cant wait to be back home. Shish, I've gotta get use to going away thingy. I hate it! Everything is so expensive. Calling, even sms-ing is so bloody expensive! Planning to get a local line here. It's much reasonable according to one of my crew.

Anyways heading to bed now, missing you badly my love. Cant get enough of you. ARGH! You really got me this time. I'm loving it! :-)

Sweets!

Mum's crazy plan.

Story short - my mum ask me to bring my brother for a holiday this weekend. She knew my weak spot I guess.

Mum : Bring Boboy (feezul) for holiday laa this weekend, get him off his mind.
Me : See la how, I think I have plans this weekend.
Mum : Bring .... along la, then all 4 of you can drive down or something.

* a short pause for awhile

Mum : I'll arrange the hotel and all, don't worry.

But we decided not to go this weekend, its too short notice. Plus, .... would be busy and he can't take friday off. We were texting while he was on the way back home from a game of badminton and one of his text kinda got me speechless. I honestly was taking quite awhile to reply.

..... : Its ogay staryang, but if you want to go then go laa.
Me : No la, hehe. Taking the opportunity to go hols w u without taking out so
much of our own cash. Hehe, but it'd come again. :-) U dun want to chill w
me is it thiz weekend? :-( kekeke.

* it was just a mengada question only but the reply was what got me
SPEECHLESS!

..... : Not really.. I want to chill wit you longer than just the weekend.. :-(

(my stupid reply after 15 minutes smilling and tossing around and thinking what to reply)

Me : *shy away* actually I dnt knw wht to reply. Speechless. I type erase, type
erase so many times. Again you never fail to make me day tayang..

My explanation is that I really dont know what to reply to that! It was really really sweet. My god, I was really like smilling, typing, erasing tossing aroung on the bed. Asking my teddy "pornstar" to read the text.

Sweetest thing, sweetest thing.


Preparation for my 1st flight.

Exactly 9 more days til my 1st flight. Departure on the 19th and arrival back to KUL on the 26th morning - just in time for a great weekend. Well supposedly it's a training flight, but there was some system and management error, so it'd be like my 1st solo online crew flight. Looking forward to it tho, thinking about the big bucks I'm finally gonna be earning. At least, it would ease the financial crisis that I'm always going through. This would also be my first time to Belgium and to Canada. Can't wait to be in Toronto tho, get to meet my causin that shares the same birthdate as me! And she's gay! YAY!

Reading up my notes everyday, at least a few times just to freshen up my mind about all the safety and the service procedure.

Something Stupid

I cant hide it anymore
I cant plastic this feelings
A feeling shown only through affection
or matters of the heart so they say
which makes me where I am today
getting high at cloud 9
accompanied by beautiful butterflies
bloods rushing through my veins
heart beats faster
as my heart betrayed me
me betraying myself.

You took me by surprise
as you walked in not seeking
just merely the company of each other.
But now your palm fits my palm perfectly
our lips meet
your amazing heat that warms me up
smart, intelligent, sophisticated
yet has a very down dirty naughty side
tender, loving and care
which makes me where I am today
as my heart betrayed me
me betraying myself
because I've fallen.

xoxo

060809

Changes
*stay in love by MC is playing on the background, while “he” is surfing thru the net

Its been awhile, and DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START is flashing in my thoughts. Sigh. Changes? Surrounding is a most definite! Months since I’ve actually had a decent conversation with Ricky – my bestfriend or should I say my other evil twin, a brother then. Again, Izmil screwed up big time. Though, I wasn’t told the reason but I guess after a certain long holiday (which I was supposed to come along..) made him realize what a fucked up friend or brother I’ve been to him. Looking up to the skies, still seeking for the answers and there it was splat in front of my eyes – IT’S YOU IZMIL! Subconsciously I admit I do things or make decisions without thinking it thoroughly. I took things for granted, always thinking that I’d have a soft spot somewhere deep down in him even after all I’ve done. Shish! Everything has a limit, even broadband has a limitation to its bandwidth - what made me think that friendship doesn’t have a limit?!

Apparently, there was a lie that came out from my mouth about me not dating “him”. The truth is, I wasn’t lying at that point in time because we weren’t an item, nor we were dating. “He” was still kissing other guys in front of me for goodness sake. I admit that, I was still trying and I didn’t stop trying. We had 2 confrontations on the MSN, first was because my tag on MSN which was “what’s going on?”. It started with “him” saying – is the tag heading towards me, I hope I’m not sending confusing signals to you. And both confrontation ended with “we should be friends, I don’t want to ruin what we have now, we’re so much closer now, sigh you have a boyfriend (who was in INDO and actually dump me; reason – his dad found out about us and he told me to end it with you, his 19yrs, but yea I was waiting for it.), and I’M NOT A GOOD BOYFRIEND” and what not. So I wasn’t lying at that point.

As time flies me and “him” were always chilling out together – he never failed to make me laugh and smile even though I felt like trash.

Instincts tells me that this could go somewhere, and I definitely was crossing my god damn legs, balls etc. And things did heated up and Izmil paid more attention to “him” then to everyone else – subconsciously not realizing that I was giving out a signal to the universe that “everyone else” just disappears or thought of vaguely. I’m sorry. That was not my intention, I was just trying extremely very hard to work it out and not to fucked up this one and yes I guess I’ve said it a million times for the past 2 years of my ‘changing partners weekly was in fashion season’ but honestly because I really fell, and I was so afraid that karma is here to get me. And I didn’t had anyone to share this to.

Guilty conscious. Then decision was made – get this relationship hard and stable and sort out other matters later besides work though. Me and Ricky was still in contact but the distant between us was apparent. I do go see him once awhile, but he kept it to himself. I tried once to open up – “so you guy’s are dating laa?” question directed straight to me. Again at that time, I didn’t know the status. That was my answer. Everything was normal after that.

I started training with JetAirways, so it kind of push us further apart. I was always too tired after training plus I always had dinner plans then. Ricky’s big long trip to BKK was around the corner, June 19^th to be exact. We had dinner at Bora Asmara – Nad’s birthday dinner. Then we chilled thru out the night, got wasted at a hotel in Puduraya. Shereen’s friends room. And that’s when I told him. I was over the guilty conscious feeling. My best friend deserves to know and I want him to know. Maybe certain thing’s that I’ve said shouldn’t have come out from my mouth – “this is the best, my best friend and my boyfriend shares the same birth date” forgetting that he gave a remark and plan to have sex with my boyfriend on their birthday. THINK BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING IZMIL!

A minute away from 0000hrs turning the date to 25^th June (by the way, Ricky had just got back from the amazing holiday) and I called, I messaged and there was no reply. There was no reply for months.

I do keep myself updated about Ricky, I asked a lot about him. I left for Bombay – was there for a month. My special day came, and besides the call from “him”, I was really hoping that Ricky would message or something. (I was just to chicken to say something.. because I know now that I’m in the wrong..) He didn’t. And then stories about Ricky hospitalized in Dubai freaked me out. I was so worried yet Izmil being stupid still wouldn’t want to let down his fucked up ego.

And so I lived my life, pretending nothing happen and cherishing all the moments with “he” who is still surfing the internet. “He” has always advise and told me to do something about Ricky, but I was just too scared. I was scared that this time, he would never forgive me. I RATHER NOT KNOW THAN BEING REJECTED OR TOLD STRAIGHT TO THE FACE. A coward you can call me.

* Ketulusan Hati by Anuar Zain playing at the background, sounds of cars traveling at high speed on the highway.

A sudden news – RICKY IS GOING TO SYRIA TO MEET HIS REAL DAD AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS FOR THE FIRST TIME. Tears rolling down my eyes, breathing so heavily was my immediate reaction. I’m the worse friend anyone could ever have. I was supposed to go with him for support – was planned during high-school. Sobbing harder. I said sorry, I went to see him before he left for the airport. We had a brief chat, and again I was seeking for forgiveness for what a fucked up friend I was to him.

I got the forgiveness, but I guess things has change. We don’t talk anymore. He doesn’t reply me.

Everdearest Ricky,

I’m sorry babe. I really am. I’ve been so selfish, and I didn’t think of anyone but me. And I understand why you wouldn’t wanna talk to me, I’d prolly wont even talk to myself. I guess “the inseparable Ricky and Izmil” and crush into a million pieces. I never lied about anything, and I didn’t mean anything. As I said I was chasing my own happiness and I didn’t think of others. I’ve learned. And I’m not here to force you to talk to me even if you dont want to but I want you to know - that i'll always be here if ever you need to talk to or if you need help or better yet if you ever wanna hang out and no matter what you’re still “THE” best friend, my evil twin, my brother.

Love,

Izmil

My amazing life so far.

Again, mind is blank. There’s too much. We go with the obvious first, I'M ATTACHED! I never thought an old fling 5 years back turned out to be someone that again swept me off my feet. “He” once said that “he” is not a good partner/boyfriend and let me say – THAT’S A BUNCH OF CRAP! The sweetest of them all. Although I actually never saw that side of him before. Let me be honest, I thought he would be those ignorant bastards, emotionless or just doesn’t know how to show it but a total opposite! “He” has been there for me since my troubled life started on April this year. He is always at the back, holding me straight up and not allowing me to give up. And because of that I didn’t want to give up although there was a few breakdowns but I guess being quite a dramatic person it’s normal. I wanted to prove to him, everyone and MOSTLY to myself that I could do it. And since then, he has been the sweetest thing – I CANT GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!

Finally something real that I could rest on.

Work has been great since I’m being paid for free but soon I’ll be earning the bucks! This 19^th to be exact. It’d be my first flight with Jet Airways – looking forward to it but at the same time I’m a little scared. The culture over there is so much different, and adapting to it is really hard. And so say the GM of Cabin Crew Training Jet Airways; “all of you in the room now carry a big responsibility to change the culture of the crew in Jet Airways, the local crew. We want all of our crew to have fun during their flights – stress free flight and only with that you could give more than 100% towards your job. THE JOY OF FLYING is our tag line; how would the passenger feel the joy of flying if the crew is not even happy to fly? SO you guys have to change that..” He understated big responsibility, it’s more like damn fucking huge responsibility! They expect a lot from us – expat crew.

*the sun rises.

A round of “golf”, and it was an amazing round! It’s the best so far.

After a short rest, I decided to on my cell. A message comes in from DIGI.

“06^th Sept 2008, 12:39pm

1 missed call by 016*******”

I called back, no answer. Guess he must have accidentally called me or something. It’s amazing how the world works – a few hours back I was typing this blog and obviously he is one of the main issues and a missed call from him later on? Still think it was a mistaken call or maybe he wanted to ask something or just maybe he wants to talk. I don’t know, wish it was the last option though.

Family, family, family.

Things at home are kind of bad now, it’s been very stressful for everyone – business aint going to well, pay cut, a son whose making it in the scene but still unable to take responsibility, another son who just join a new company and has yet to earn the big bucks. Basically, its financially and the usual emotional drama. Everything has been really tight for me, and definitely tough. One good thing is and I’m proud to say it that family has a very strong bond, and very high tolerance and patience level. No matter what shit we do at the end of the day if anyone one of us falls the rest would always be at the back to support and pulls that person up, even if it takes a million years. That is something I’ll bring down to my next generation (if any).

No matter how much I bitch about them and how I always say I hate them but that was just my anger talking, I love them because no matter how fucked up I am or even so gay they are still proud to call me my son or my brother.

*some podcast trance music playing at the background and again “he” is surfing on the internet.

The room finally looks like a room.

We finally painted the room. It was half painted already prolly 3 months back. It has a raw look to it; it’s not smooth but definitely could pass for a theme or and art? Okay not an art, but it just look like someone didn’t know how to paint walls decided to paint. Go figure how it looks like. But I like it.

I guess this sum’s up to everything that has been on my mind and just haven’t had the opportunity to blog it out. This might be the longest blog I’ve written so far.

xoxo

Will be back soon!

Just need to find time to write!

Cheers!

Days in Mumbai.

Mumbai, Bombay same difference. Nothing like in the Bollywood movies we watch. It's terrible. Well maybe I had a lil high expectations, but seriously it's so different. It's so dirty over here. And even at the shopping malls; side walks - there is shit everywhere. DOG SHIT! :-( And it's so weird here, the dogs are actually afraid of us. (which is obviously good laa..)

We are treated very bad here. There is no proper schedule rostered out for us and even the instructor! It's all like last minute. We don't even know the exact date on when we head back to KL! The management really sucks - we have to arrange our own transport to work. The just supply us that coach but everything else is done by us. I mean, unless we are local here then yea it's fine. But we are not, so obviously we are not familiar with the area.

I really miss KL, I miss everyone there! :-( I've never been away for so long, its been 1 week and 1 day! LOL! Miss my superstar! Miss michalimzi! :-( Pornstar here boring separated from brother! :-( Well, hope i get to go through this!

Just some scribbles..

Drained out.

Damn, alot has happen - I just dont know where to begin.

Training has been good, tough I must say. Its so much more different than the last training I went through 4 years ago. Everything is cram up into 1 month - we have so much to cover from service wise, safety and first aid and aviation security took us 6 days! And it's draining out alot of my energy. Waking up 0600HRS and just to reach 5 minutes before class starts - 0900HRS. And the fact that I've got no papers to survive its even harder. Thank god so far on the paper side, I've got certain people that are helping out. God bless you guys seriously! :-)

DON'T WORRY, WHEN IM STABLE THAN IT'D BE ON ME OK? P R O M I S E.

I'm sorry if anyone is hurt during recent matters.

I know maybe sorry is not enough, especially coming from me but I want to share my part of the story. I never had any intention at the beginning of everything - because I never actually thought things would spark up again. But yes I would be lying if I'd say that I was not interested. Then we started to hang out alot, when to parties - obviously in a group. We got quite close, the feel of care appeared, attraction was there, obvious flirting and sometimes a lil tease. Until one day, it started affecting us and feeling of 'what the fuck is going on?' or in a shorter term, confused crawled up our mind.

First confrontation happened, from him - he pointed out that he doesnt want to send the wrong signals to me. He clarified the whole situation and made it clear that we're just friends. I was upset I admit but I was damn hell of a good actor. Pulled the "..yea I'm ok, don't worry. I guess as much as well..'. You would thing that after all that you wont meet for awhile but I thought NO I dont want to show that I lost, I dont want to show that I was actually upset and I still acted as cool as possible. So we still continued chillin out as per normal and then here it comes again, another confrontation. And I think it started because of my MSN status - cant remember what tho.

This time we still maintained the fact that we're friends but now there was a lil confession of feelings to. So yea, we both agreed that attraction is there; the feelings are different now but blaming it to time constraint, and the fact that I was starting work already and then I'll be going off for a quite a long time and a few other points. Still after that, things didn't change in fact it got even more heated up. We were both just going with the flow, and we didn't actually rush into it. And it got better and better. I never got to know why did he change his mind of things but I'm glad that he is actually willing to give a try. Everything is going really well, and I'm happy and according to him his happy as well.

But I was pushed back when suddenly my surrounding changed. It made me feel as though people think that I'm not good enough for him. Sometimes I even feel that I stole him away. Or maybe "..oh, typical Izmil doing it again..". I never meant it for it to happen, but I'm only human and yes I've made plenty of mistakes and I'm still trying to repent them. The feeling just grew, from a small seed to a beautiful spectacular amazing flower. Some say it's some sort of a pattern of mine - I'm really sorry and I can't say much if that's how you feel because everyone would judge me as my track records are quite known. I guess, when you have the name, clearing it would be something impossible to do.

Guys, I admit I dont know how far this would go but I'm still gonna give a try. I want to take this chance that's been given. And I didnt get this chance the last time. Thing's has been really good recently and I'M HAPPY.

Avoiding?

Maybe I could be paranoid but I feel as though avoiding is the game that your playing. And I just dont know what to do, because I'm so confused. I know my time spent was more with him and I like just went missing - it was all because things we're heating up, butterflies in the stomach and also I didn't want to jinx the situation. I thought when it actually happen then I would tell. But I guess words spread and people started to assume and passing judgements. But most of all I was just confused, I did'nt know whether it'd be the right thing to do but please believe me when I say I really really really didnt mean to hurt anyone.

Im up at 6am! :-)

Just woke up from sleep, not a deep one tho but a good sleep. Slept at about 1.30am. Well, training has been fun and at the same time boring. But I guess it'd be ok. Damn it's already been a week I've been in training! :-)

Things are getting better now, I guess. Altho I know someone is away from the group, and I'm hoping that she does come back. It's always nice to know that your twin is with you. :-)

Got to get ready for work. Lol!

xoxo

Its Saturday night!

And guess what guys, I'm home on a Saturday night. Shish. Some more it's my last weekend before i start with Jet Airways.

xoxo

"FULL" figure? WTF?

Woke up late as hell, really had a good sleep. Woke up at about 1500hrs. A sudden crave to get something for myself - rush for shower and headed straight out. I bought me self a pair of slacks, for work. So the money didn't go to waste. IT WAS A NECESSITY. Drag Clara along - poor thing been back for a few days from Melbourne but only now when and see her.

So anyways, back to the issue here. As I was trying a pants and the retail lady looked at me said (i think she saw me giving that face like shit it's so tight below my waist..) "..I think it's because you have a full figure..." (like a women, FULL FIGURE? WTF?) And after me giving that wtf look, she can still continue (I don't get her.. she not scared I punch her ke?) saying "..your bottom is..." and as she was about to continue i said, "..it's better you dont continue what you going to say because its a sensitive issue.." and she B L O O D Y D I D N T S T O P! ! ! ! She went on about how this pants would so go with me, and well Clara agreed. So I bought it!

Ok, I know I'm running away from the issue but I'm actually not. What I'm trying to say here is,. AM I PUTTING ON THAT MUCH WEIGHT TILL A BLOODY RETAIL LADY COULD TELL ME THAT I'M FULL FUCKING FIGURE!? AND THAT MY BOTTOM IS BIG!? :-s

Maybe I'm just to paranoid about what other people think of me which is obviously true, but what if I like how I look now, and I don't want to be thin and drugged up no more and in fact I think I want to put a lil more weight, just prolly another kg or two? NO?

A wonderful night.

Tho maybe I'm taking it the wrong way but I like to rate tonight a wonderful night - in whatever way its supposed to be. I guess the time alone you were talking about happen, unplanned. There's nothing that I'm hoping for, but maybe just one even in anyway it doesn't work out, don't walk away. You kind of make me smile laa, K I N D O F F! ! ! Don't need to angkuh all, but yes you do.

The night was fabulous - a good ending for a beautiful month. :-s

*sigh

Just some pics of me new hair. Thanks to Alis.

Is it that bad? Just 1 more week of holiday and I decide to color my hair! :-) I was actually just trying to kill time because I had nothing to do at home, so why not do my hair. I mean if it fucks up I could just go to Guardian and dye it black.

Yes I know Im balding. Please do not comment on that! I'm using the Himalaya product now, and hoping it will help. My hair is more thicker now compared to the last month.

Back home early, but yet I'm still awake.

Having indomee at 2 in the fucking morning! And then you complaint that your putting on weight. Gee, maybe the weight is coming from your bad eating habits - late night meals, timing of eating has run off,. But its so good, so damn good. The taste of indomee with telur mata on the side. Add a lil bawang goreng and it would all just be perfect.

*nyam nyam.

I would wanna take a picture, but I ate it half way already. :-s

Well the guy that Ricky had a rendezvous thing seems to be a nice chap. Haven't met him, but no force. Let him take his time to get to know Ricky first then later get to know the package. He is still abit to shy to meet friends, and some more we don't know where its gonna lead I guess. Let's hope it works out for them both.

*throws petals of roses and wishes good luck.
*just took my last bite of indomee, now heading for ice cream for desserts.

I was fooled! There was no ice cream, but ok there's COCO CRUNCH! So nice. :-) Now me go shower, just realize my hair was showered with hairspray. (I dont know why, but today my stylist sprayed damn loads of hairspray!)

Im home b4 midnight!

I'm on my bed at 20 minutes pass midnight. Cool eyh? But well, I've got alot of errands to do tomorrow - settle my house thingy, got to go CIMB to settle my credit card etc, etc. SO much to do in so little time. Got to settle all of this before my training tho. Some more I'll be gone for awhile, hate it when I go away for awhile. I feel like I miss out on things, and then I'll para - people here don't miss me.

*LOL

MISS ME OK! After I sad no one miss me. :-s

I'm running low on stash man, and I'm getting more stress looking at it going less and less and much lesser - suddenly finish! SPLAT! That is how I would feel. (ok, freakin' out! WTF I just said??) OMFG, shit! Is it better this way? At least i'm looking at a different kind rite?

*was on the phone with Bazz. (keshian him he had to layan me..)

Sleeping off.

Aint going to layan this para. Sleep it off. I've gotta be up early anyways! Cheerios!

xoxo

Im losing my appetite to eat! :-s

Darned. I'm losing my appetite to eat. I don't know but lately I only eat at night, but morning all don't have anymore. Sometimes only laa, but the feeling of "I WANT TO EAT" doesnt come anymore. :-( Its a good thing tho, at least I dont eat that much, so my weight dont fly up the sky unexpectedly. Kan?

Ricky said I should do something about my hair! I also think so now, after a few washes its getting a lil off the color I wanted. (maybe if I color it brown a lil then it would be ok kan? It will look like shades of brown..) Dropped Ricky at Vistana Hotel for a secret rendezvous with this someone. I think his hormones are really running on high speed now! Even sober also so horny. Shish! But so nice kan, at least he is getting some action. ONE OF US HAS TO LA, IT WAS THE DEAL WE MADE!

*boredom

Now I'm bored don't know what to do. Stuck at home for awhile. Maybe later will fetch Ricky, at least got something to do. Chill for awhile. Will txt him in abit! :-s

*LOL

A massive colour turnaround.

Woke up at 1300Hrs, was just about to do some cleaning up then suddenly I hear a bunch of dangling keys budging through the door - mother walks in with newspaper and a bunch of other stuff. Heading straight to the kitchen, as tho as she is in a rush but still pulling a cool face. And just after all that was sorted out, did a lil cleaning up in the hall and a sudden plan of Lyn to come over and chill for abit then meet up with the others later.

Next thing I know, she was sitting down at the dining table having lunch with my mum,. Enjoying every bite that goes into her mouth and best part she was using her bloody hands - Lyn is not the kind you would see to use her hands to eat. (that's how I look at it laa,,..) You know how she like to pull the "I'm a brat-face" alot,. (no la, ok la I admit maybe abit laa.. but I love it Lyn!)

*LOL

Gosh, what am I babbling about again?

*suddenly minds get empty. BLANK!

Well we all met up at IKEA - the bench near the exit. Had a lil bites on curry puff. (so delicious..)Then we headed back to Myrez TTDI Condo to chill; in 2 seperate cars. As we (Lyn, Feruz, Bzzt.. obviously with me laa..) sampai the condo we could see Bazz rushing out as tho something terrible happened and me being too fucked I could not understand a single bit of what he said. Only after I settled down a lil, and thought about what Bazz said than only I know that something terrible actually happen! (OMFG, I'm way gone now!) And, I'm so sorry Bazz that I didn't get you the first time. Really really sorry. Hope everything there is alrite yea?

We were sort of like chilling at the lobby for awhile tho, and we made it our chill out session man!
MYREZ LEFT CONDO'S KEYS AT HOME! OH NO! LOL!

So lobby it was. After god knows how many cars that pass us by suddenly came Ms. Myrez driving into the guard house and heading towards us. Being so cute and colourful today, came out and took out her desktop. (which obviously she wont be using that much after she gets the hold of her lappys,..) And finally into the condo., such a cozy place and area altho it faces the cemetery but its so relax and windy.., so cold. Karan and Feruz moved a cupboard out from Myrez's room to the hall which actually looks very nice in the hall. Makes the place a lil more classic, and full. Not crampy but it compliments everything else,. SO HARD TO EXPLAIN!

*:-s

xoxo

Still high and flying

Listening to J Holiday in the background just makes me feel so empty. "..I'm staring at you while ur asleep.." is something I wish or at least its something I wanna feel before I leave this beautiful world. The feeling of true love, so strong and definitely unbreakable - til death do us part so they say.. How is it are we to achieve this feeling? Especially when everything feels the same during the first "butterfly in your stomach" month. Every time we meet someone new, everything just seems so right - seems so perfect. Why don't we judge them true their flaws first than to fall for the good ignoring the bad?

*Background music Valentine by The Get Up Kids

We always remind ourselves before taking that first step but yet we still make the same mistake. And somehow it becomes this trend we create on our self which leads to a bad image put on ourselves. Maybe because what we seek somehow don't match what the others seek? I would be lying if I say at times yes I do just seek for sex and nothing more than that, but sadly I'm a 'relationship whore' and sadly I have to say that there are not much of my kind around now. Doesn't anyone now want to feel what's it like to love and be loved? Has the feeling of sex powered down the feeling of love? If this how it is now, sadly I would choose to walk away from all this and let go of everything.

*Background music Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

Lalala is what is spinning in my head now, just spinning and spinning. 0421Hrs is the time and I think I babbled up something about love. Its something that I'm missing alot. I wanna be loved and I definitely want to love. It's something that would complete me. It would balance my darkness in life, a certain part that you could call my alter ego. Plus me not working now is affecting me even more,. I'm out every night, I'm partying alot ignoring my problems and pretending that everything is ok when it is actually not ok. Clearly I'm running away from my priorities - and certainly that's not me. I'm not lacking in anyway, just maybe I'm just not paying attention too much to my family which I know is not stable now. I just feel somehow I need a rest away from them but not because I don't love them but just because I could handle a certain limit of drama and when it gets tooooooo dramatic already, I just don't know how to handle it and I'll leave.

Gosh, my eyes are getting really heavy already. I wonder why. Shish.

Well, I've got exactly 1 more week til work starts. And believe it or not, I have not resign from MAS. SHIT! I think I should go do it next week. Settle whatever I have to settle before anything happens. I mean they can fire me, but that's about it I guess. Aiyo, paranoia hitting in already!

*Background music Empty by The Click Five

Its empty. Sigh. We're empty. If all of us are empty then maybe we are all trying to hard. I just realize how its so true! Maybe we should all not try so hard then everything will be perfect. Right? I think I should be buzzing of soon. I'm thinking way to deep and my mind is tired. This will be continued definitely!

Doodles!

Things are slowing down now, pheww. Everything is back at it's normal pase, i hope.

*sigh

Gloomy weather today dun ya think? I've got a week more til training starts, and I'm so looking forward to this job! A lil bit worried tho - will be out of the country for a month or so. I've never actually been away for so long. How am I to survived? Plus it would be in Singapore and Bombay! Apparently Bombay would be fun. Looking forward to the "fun" I'm gonna go through!

*background music Stop & Stare by OneRepublic

OoOO, I got a new lappy bag! It's white! It so goes with my car as well. So kewl! And also another wallet, 'Alien Workshop' ok! Damn bloody old school siut! I think the last I saw this wallet was ages ago! I was mayb 10? I remember how it used to be the "in" brand. LOL! I remember saving up money just to get a wallet from Alien Workshop. Crazy! Tak makan at school and all, just to get the wallet!

*LOL
*background music Take A Bow by Rihanna

So, tonight would be lappys night! Starbucks, BV2? Bt it seems like there's no feedback.
Guess no one is in the mood. Crossing fingers that tonight's plans actually happens! Then can bring out my cute lappy bag!

Am I intruding anything?

I feel as I'm intruding. Maybe it's paranoia but I really do. I dont know but this past few days, its been really hard to communicate, and it makes me feel even bad because it's not just me who is feeling it. Maybe I should just stay out for awhile - dont want to be in between anyone. I would love to stay, but I guess if I'm affecting anyone than I guess it's better I do jump of. Right?

SO, I'll be jumping of for awhile yea,. I hope I didnt cause anything while I was in. It was certainly the best time after so long!! I really needed it.

*background music Terima Kasih Cinta by Afgan

xoxo

One hell of a month!

Gosh it has been one damn good exciting fascinating fabulous month! Definitely amazing weekends! Good that it all happen when I'm actually free, but at the same time its shitty cuz i ain't been working for the past 2 months. But thanks to my amazing friends, i still survived!

Alot has happen lately..

Where do I start? Arh, my career. Well, my training dates and schedule has been emailed. I'll be back to working life starting 9Th June. F*****g finally! It's nice that I'm not working, sort of like a break before a new start. (obviously we took the "break" seriously and damn I didn't regret it at all!) And as I'm also having the happiest time of my life, I also have to go through dramas - it's actually more of a daily routine thingy. Clearly YIN & YANG - balance. Praying that my career line would be good, it's time to work not play.

Altho it was an amazing month, but tears never fail to fall at least once. Issues that has nothing to do with me and issues that I could avoid has teared me up. Just as I thought things are more calmed now, but in reality when you have so much fun you unconsciously ignore the real world and when you finally reach sobriety - realized all sorts of wrong and wham, K A R M A! I guess that's just how its gonna be. Still with faith that everything will be ok.

On the party side, being a party animal is so tiring and so bloody expensive! I mean, not really party animal but gosh we partied like crazy. It all started with the last KL Tower rave and since then my interest to the genre has been more intense. I'm starting to love it again - hence how Tiesto 2 Days of Freedom at Port Dickson and following week was Yoji & Missy E at Genting Highlands took place. (and it was one hell of an after party at ...... ) Even on a daily basis, i'm normally out of the house at 8pm, and sometimes coming home at 2am. Shish. And I was thinking, ok maybe this week we stay in kinda thing - it happened on Saturday. Friday was karaoke with the "subangians" and it didn't end there. We chilled at Boyd's friends place at Bangsar til we even woke his granddad up. SORRY! I so think it was me, i think i really laughed so loud but yea it was something hilarious and I couldn't help but laugh. By the time I got home, it was 5.30am.

*background music playing No Air by Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown

It's hard to keep up with the pace when your real slow - if you get what I mean..

Then came Saturday. We stayed in, but it was quite a tiring staying in as well. Very tiring. Chilled out at my place, in my room. So smoky and hazy, at one point I thought I had no air. Tapi sebenarnya paranoid only. And I wonder why after that chilling out session at mine, alot of questions were asked and directed to me as if everyone was waiting for something to happen. So anxious. (something fishy is going on and I'm definitely crack this!) Question's directed to me was all about the same topic; no comment! (is it really all about me? Kidding...,)

*background music playing Belaian Jiwa by Innuendo

Arh well, I've got 2 weeks more to enjoy this beautiful moments before my life starts again as a flight attendant. As it was said "..some more your training is gonna start and you gonna go everywhere.." so yea, 2 weeks eyh? I realize that when you get something you want, and that means anything - you lose out on another thing; which is also something you want and you had it but because you wanted something else you blindly let go of the other.

But what is it that I got? I don't even know what is going on actually and coincidentally a song plays on the background..

*background music playing What's Going On by 4 Non Blondes

*sigh

xoxo

Kota Kinabalu, hopefully my last.

Kota Kinabalu for tonight.

Hopefully my last tho. Jet Airways have yet to inform us the good news. Still waiting for the clearance from the India Government. Sayaaaaaaaang!! I miss you!

psst.. What's up with Chris Crocker!?

xoxo

VIDEO POST ON YOUTUBE!

My reply to Chris Crocker's 'Best Video EVER!'

Me, Myrez and U.S.S.R reply to J Smoov's 'J Smoov [keith sweat - nobody]




psst.. Bored! Miss my baby! Social life its like an imagination! HELP!


xoxo

BLOOD TEST?

Do you think it's neccesary?

I mean why do you have to go thru the hastle when actually you could just use your hair to find out. I'm actually just so paranoid about tmrw's medical check up. I'm really hoping I'd pass it if not then I honestly honestly fucked up my career again. Why did'nt Ithink this throroughly. Now I'm just regretting everything. Please dont ruin this 2nd chance Izzy! PLEASE. Do u think I should postphone the check up? Maybe friday?

I MISS HIM!

I really really miss him, and if this medical check up fails my chances of seeing him would get worse. Damn it! I'm so scared. I dont wanna lose him. I dont wanna lose my career. WHY AM I SO PARANOID!?

xoxo

NO HOT GOSSIPS! WHY?

A long day for me. Managed to settle everything. Senang hati. I have the feeling tmrw is gonna be another long day. First, I've got to meet up with my Prudential Insurance agent, who is also one of the many leading steward in MAS to withdraw my policy. I've got enough of commitments in hand, and I already have TWO life insurance and I think that would be enough. But,.. (why is there always a but??) That agent pulak asking me not to let go, obviously well its not fully matured and if I pull out he wouldnt get his komisyen anymore. ITS NOT ABOUT HIM, ITS ABOUT ME so I wanna pull out no matter what explanation he gives.

Then after that, I've got to go collect my EPF statement. If there's enough, I'm gonna invest some of it. I guess I should start investing soon, if I wanna have a good retirement life it has to start now. And well, Shima would be my agent and the way I see it she will be a good one. She's determine of what she wants and when she wants it and she will work her ass out to get it. Today itself, she closed a deal worth RM25k which is her daily target and I'm so proud of her. (i actually really envy her because she has a stand and she sticks by it! That's my girl!) So if everything is alright I'm guessing I would proceed with the investment.

Insurance, EPF and now mum's investment from EPF to unit-trust. Mum's agent, who is my causin in law is honestly not that good of an agent. I dont see him updating my mum or u know taking a good care of the investment. And the fact that Mum wants to withdraw her EPF by this May to settle some of her things and to put in more cash into the house loan, to cut down on the repayment a lil bit. (its so bloody expensive now, actually my pay sometimes dont even reach up to my repayment.) If can that could be done as well by tmrw.

Last but not least is too submit my Jet Airways Expatriate Crew Security form back to the office at Angkasaraya. (actually that should be first to submit then the others rite?) I dont get the form its confussing.., Do it tmrw aswell.

Okies, I think it's time I head to bed. my eye's giving up on me. No hot gossips today.?

WHY ISNT THERE ANY TODAY!

xoxo

Just some random pics! :-)

2100HRS

OMG, I'm so bloody bored! I've change my template and now I just dont know what to do. HELP!

Scribbles.

Its 1530HRS and there's nothing to do. Its a Sunday, but I guess it's time I give my body a rest. I've been out too much and I know for a fact that I'm pushing it over my limits. Listening to songs, lazing around at home. God what's there to do anyway. The fact that I sold of my car already, feel as tho my legs got cut off! Pretty sure Ricky is asleep, well shouldnt be disturbing him. He's got work later midnight. Gone for 6 days!

I've never actually talked to Ricky about me and Ay. I don't know, somehow I feel as he wouldn't wanna listen to my love stories. I don't know, maybe it's my fault since the last major break up god knows I've been changing men like clothes. And maybe the fact its a long distance relationship and a known fact that these kind of relationship normally dont work out but so far it's been way good. I wanna talkto him about it, but somehow I just cant open up this particular topic with him!

Staring at this 4 walls is just killing me, and its making me think alot! Damn it!

A broken empire.

I'm a loser
lost in every game of life
crashing through hard obstacles,
killing all evil like a professional gamer
where as I'm actually more dead than alive.

A roller coaster ride it was
climbing up so hard rolling down so fast
adrenalin rush that was so vast
always begins with a blast.
Never in mind
truly I was hurt
regain my strength yet to lose my mind
always ends with memories turns dirt.

It was sure to come
that I'd breakdown and cry
living on the edge of life
so they say I party like a rockstar
easing the pain by constantly getting high
in reality,
I'm just wounding more to my bleeding scar.

For where I stand now its a broken empire
hidden somewhere far far away
gathering all sources to light the fire
a sign of surrender.
With all dreams and desire
in the vicinity of prayer and so I lay
for as my heart is that empire
heal me from this frantic emotional fray.

Scared.

Was what he (Johan) said is true?

Today made me realize something, what he said about me is true. I NEVER WANT TO LOSE, I NEVER WANT TO ADMIT MY MISTAKES AND I ALWAYS HIDE THAT FLAWS AND WEAKNESS OF MINE. Wait who am I kidding, everyone is bloody hell saying it! I guess I should just accept reality and fact's of life that there are people better than me out there and that I should not or actually DONT deserve the rights to be bitter about it. I did had my fair share out there right?


It's just mankind, human.

Being human, a natural judge. We just judge people from this 1 angle, 1 side and never we have looked and seek facts on the other side. We judge the bad, but have we ever judge the good? Is it even look into? NO ONE IS BETTER THAN YOU for that is what you think? Or that is what you want to believe in, (this is hard for me to say..) but for once I think it's time I let that side down and give others a chance.


Others? I want that chance!

Actually, no let me get it right. Give ME a chance, to prove to people out there my good side; a better side of me and maybe, just maybe I would be remembered in a good way and not just someone ".. oh yeah I know him, who doesn't?.. " I guess I've shown a totally different side of me and maybe just too much, and people are beginning to question, and statements thrown, and that judging continues.. And when your name has reach the top, and when people start to talk only then you would realize what a mistake you have done to dirty up your own name and records. Believe me by then, even if you didn't do what everyone is talking about, IT WILL STILL BE YOU,. (not a nice feeling when it get's to your ears..)


2 yrs, no strings attached!

Somehow, it has taught me alot, alot about myself; how am I actually / what am I actually and sadly I'm not to happy of what I've turn out to be. I myself am shocked with my actions and my own behaviour. IT IS SO FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE! I for once never knew that I had it in me, no that's not it; I was just being so fucking ignorant that I dont realize there are other's around me whose living in the same timezone, warp and not another world or another life. I've gone against my principles, my so called hard on principles that I've dug or build in myself which I followed and obeyed. Is this actions and weird behaviour is just me acting, screaming, crying out of loneliness? Attention?


Is it really loneliness or is it actually attention that I need?

Just a few days back this was the hot topic at a friends place. And a conclusion made by friends is ATTENTION. I'm not objecting nor I'm not gonna agreeing. To me, loneliness and attention comes hand in hand. For you to feel lonely, one of the factors is that you are lack of attention and having the feeling of the lack of attention may lead to being lonely. Based on general life facts. Someone may have everything in life, a "so-called" happy family, a lot of acquaintance,a lot of friends and a loving partner but still could end up feeling lonely! What about me who want's to have everything in life (..and yes still struggling for it!), a very happy family, I've got acquaintance and just that few friends and no loving partner, HOW AM I TO FEEL?

My family gives me that attention and so as my friends but "..is it actually just attention that I'm seeking for? Don't I want more? Am I not giving anyone a chance? Or am I just not giving myself that chance?.."


Questions, questions and questions.

And yes another question, do I think too much? Apparently everybody thinks so. I've got this problem of questioning and questioning and never stop questioning that it becomes a small drama in my head but actually it's nothing and could be dealt with if I just have the patience. It's time I just step back and relax for awhile. "..Let it flow, and let my karma flow. If I'm patient sooner or later I know, again this star will glow!.."


XOXO

Crib Under Construction!

The view from the front. Ain't that great but hey at least i bought a house right?


The middle picture would be the chandelier I picked out, and then there's the picture with a huge mirror and wiring holes.

Wiring being carried out and I don't know what happen to that part of the ceiling and definitely another mirror at the stairway.

Another lamp picked by me, the view of the hall from the kitchen and a slight view of the kitchen. Its so messy! OoOOoo and the flooring are new. Made in Germany, cost me a bomb but its anti crash and whatever not., 10 years warranty!

The chandelier view from the hall cum balcony on the upper level and pictures of rooms and rubbish.

Best part...

I get to picked the interior and all but I wont be living there. Its more of a family place and my parents would be taking care of it. So I trust that my crib is in good hands. I know its not a banglo or maybe a mansion, but I guess this is better. Cozy. And the area is really quiet and chilly. There's only 5 of us, and in that house would only be the 3 of them. I'll be leaving out with brother in my condo, so why need a big place? And the fact that I cant afford a banglo or a bloody mansion laa. This one also already killing me, but still surviving; a lil bit rough tho!