Im proving everyone right.

Blaming myself.

In a way, I know I lead you on. But honestly I never thought that this could happen. I was told that you're still with that someone and that skandal skandal boleh laa. So I put up a barrier between us, so that emotions wont take control over me and you. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but now you are hoping for something more right? Emotions has taken control over you. And I really don't know how to react to this. Normally I just run like a coward ignoring the problem, but now I'm trying to face it and solve it. Its even harder for me; as you all know my bad track records with men and I'm trying to erase that image from people's mind. If I fuck this up, then I'm just proving them right.


You & Me.

Honestly, you are the most sweetest person I've met so far in my journey through men. (journey through men sounds sooo.. nvm forget about it..!) You by far top the most masculine guy I've dated or seen. You're 35 and I can see that you've been through alot and now you just want to calm down, relax or maybe settle down. (Ini I tak tau because we haven't reach to that stage of talking about this, and please I really don't want to go through it...) You are the loyal kind, which is so hard to find nowadays. You're stable in life. But you see, everything is too perfect. And I don't do that. Maybe I've yet to see your flaws, but your body language is giving a different signal. And I'm scared of that signal because I'm just not ready for it yet. Yes, I admit 3 years back I did wanted to settle down because I thought this is it. I was stupid to believe that I wanted to settle down when at the end of the experience I realized I missed out so much in life. As you know I did so much mistakes and til now; I'm still trying to make up to my mistakes. (I just wish my intuitions about this is wrong because I wouldn't know how to break it up to you..)


My life is just beginning.

I've just begin living my life again after a year of depression and I don't want to give up my life now. I cant open myself to you at all. (believe me sayang I tried but I just cant..) We live in 2 different world, and I know there's compromising but I'm not willing to compromise anything, not now and definitely not in the nearest future. I realized that I wasted 2 years of my life believing that I'm the most happiest person in the world and at a blink of my eye; that believed shredded into million pieces and breaking me apart. (definitely scarred for life, heaven and earth..) So now, I'm just about to begin my life again and this may sound harsh but it was nothing but just a fling. (And don't think that this is "typical of Izmil" thingy but honestly sometimes people really interpret me wrong.. And yes I admit I do mistakes too..) So I really want you to understand this. I never wanted you to fall for me, or better still I never thought you would fall for me. In my mind I've made it clear that this is just a fling, which was also overly repeated to me that well "scandal scandal boleh laaa.."


Stuck.

Aku macam dah jumpa jalan buntu. There's no either or situation now. I've got to deal with it and I've got to deal with it soon before things get even worse! And I don't know what to say or where to start. In a way, I regretted flirting with you and regretted doing things with you because I know that I'm gonna hurt you with my decision. And don't think I wont get hurt as well. I will, because there goes one more beautiful amazing charming creature into my men history book and again I'm the one to blame. (But I know one fine day you would find someone, your companion and til that day comes, my guilt towards you will always be there and always be hurting..) I really don't know what to do. I'm stuck. This shit is happening too much in my life, and I'm running out of ways already.