Little Less Perfect.

Its you,
still holding me back,
still not letting go,
with or without you..

Why is it so powerful,
what makes you so different,
why is it you?
And only you could fill that lonely place in my heart.
Its also only you, that,
you could wound me so deep,
choosing another path,
pushing me more towards your book of history,
while you have moved on;
in discretion,both,
together creating a new future..

The holy month of Ramadhan is here,
a day, a night adds up,
turning it to a year.
Stranded?
Still I thank god I survived,
and still stand strong with my dreams and hope,
of you and me;
expressing our sorry,
spending and cherishing the last night together,
celebrating love; so pure and white,
before I,
surrender my soul to something..,
A little less perfect...

But time wasn't on our side,
it all never came true, and;
if that someday,
someday when time takes a rest,
please take a moment, and,
thank God you woke up from sleep the next day, and,
thank God for His beautiful creations on earth,
and lastly,
thank Him because you survived.

And again,
if that someday comes,
I'll thank Him that you survived,
survived His challenges in life, and,
survived to have read this poem.
Reading it character by character,
word by word,
slowly understanding that this poem,
will unveil everything,
clears all wonders, and,
I'm most thankful, that,
this poem would break a secret that you never knew,and,
simultaneously expresses the existence of true love..

Darling,
if I never get the chance,
although I'll wait for a lifetime,
through this poem,
I want you to know, that,
true love exists,
even without the consent or,
chose to not believe it.
Because,
this poem itself made me realized,that,
the last day I spent with you,
I did surrender my soul to you;
along with my all true love...

So what I'm trying to say here is,
that its YOU!
YOU WERE, STILL AND WILL ALWAYS BE,
MY LUCKY LITTLE LESS PERFECT...

Im proving everyone right.

Blaming myself.

In a way, I know I lead you on. But honestly I never thought that this could happen. I was told that you're still with that someone and that skandal skandal boleh laa. So I put up a barrier between us, so that emotions wont take control over me and you. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but now you are hoping for something more right? Emotions has taken control over you. And I really don't know how to react to this. Normally I just run like a coward ignoring the problem, but now I'm trying to face it and solve it. Its even harder for me; as you all know my bad track records with men and I'm trying to erase that image from people's mind. If I fuck this up, then I'm just proving them right.


You & Me.

Honestly, you are the most sweetest person I've met so far in my journey through men. (journey through men sounds sooo.. nvm forget about it..!) You by far top the most masculine guy I've dated or seen. You're 35 and I can see that you've been through alot and now you just want to calm down, relax or maybe settle down. (Ini I tak tau because we haven't reach to that stage of talking about this, and please I really don't want to go through it...) You are the loyal kind, which is so hard to find nowadays. You're stable in life. But you see, everything is too perfect. And I don't do that. Maybe I've yet to see your flaws, but your body language is giving a different signal. And I'm scared of that signal because I'm just not ready for it yet. Yes, I admit 3 years back I did wanted to settle down because I thought this is it. I was stupid to believe that I wanted to settle down when at the end of the experience I realized I missed out so much in life. As you know I did so much mistakes and til now; I'm still trying to make up to my mistakes. (I just wish my intuitions about this is wrong because I wouldn't know how to break it up to you..)


My life is just beginning.

I've just begin living my life again after a year of depression and I don't want to give up my life now. I cant open myself to you at all. (believe me sayang I tried but I just cant..) We live in 2 different world, and I know there's compromising but I'm not willing to compromise anything, not now and definitely not in the nearest future. I realized that I wasted 2 years of my life believing that I'm the most happiest person in the world and at a blink of my eye; that believed shredded into million pieces and breaking me apart. (definitely scarred for life, heaven and earth..) So now, I'm just about to begin my life again and this may sound harsh but it was nothing but just a fling. (And don't think that this is "typical of Izmil" thingy but honestly sometimes people really interpret me wrong.. And yes I admit I do mistakes too..) So I really want you to understand this. I never wanted you to fall for me, or better still I never thought you would fall for me. In my mind I've made it clear that this is just a fling, which was also overly repeated to me that well "scandal scandal boleh laaa.."


Stuck.

Aku macam dah jumpa jalan buntu. There's no either or situation now. I've got to deal with it and I've got to deal with it soon before things get even worse! And I don't know what to say or where to start. In a way, I regretted flirting with you and regretted doing things with you because I know that I'm gonna hurt you with my decision. And don't think I wont get hurt as well. I will, because there goes one more beautiful amazing charming creature into my men history book and again I'm the one to blame. (But I know one fine day you would find someone, your companion and til that day comes, my guilt towards you will always be there and always be hurting..) I really don't know what to do. I'm stuck. This shit is happening too much in my life, and I'm running out of ways already.

What's on my mind.

Yin & Yang or merely coincidence?

If anyone of you realize, every time we make a decision; ok more simple, every time we take something, or choose, or gain we will have to sacrifice something or lose something. Does that situation proves that life's fair or is it just merely coincidence? Ok a clear example; 'A' was browsing thru clothes, loves a pair of jeans and 2 tee's. He was indecisive on which he should get; the pair of jeans or the 2 tee's. He has to lose one of it. He has to make a decision on what he would get. Basically he cant get both. So do you think that he should just don't get both and go home and start thinking about it or should he get at least one of it? Both has its important. If he does get both, he would be having problems to survive for the month.

Why is this always an issue?

Ok, now I'm gonna relate this example to a real life situation. 2 men; go figure. If I were to pick both to be in my life, they'll be alot of sacrifices to be done. And the game must be well played. But I ain't good at this game. Both has its importance to me. Obviously one has known me for a long time and the other one is still getting to know me. Certain criteria that I want in someone is in; ok wait let's name them first. Guy who has known me is 'A' and guy who is still getting to know me is 'B'. As I was saying, yes certain criteria are in 'A' and certain are in 'B'. A big difference would be that if I choose 'A' I'm just heading back to history and if I choose 'B' I'll be opening a new leap in life? But then again, for a commitment? I don't know whether I'm ready for it or maybe if it happens I wont commit as how they would want me to and I'm afraid that they wont get to accept that.

I'm taking my time.

Career, family, friends must be top then only lover. Never fall in love, but walk in love. I'm walking, and I'm walking real slow but by the looks of it 'B' isn't. Either he is walking real fast or he is jogging, which I'm afraid. My options are still open, but he looks like he is ready to walk down the aisle with me. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm not the only one who sees it that way. 'B' is a lovely person, believe me. And if anything were to happen, it will all come back to me. And honestly sometimes that just kills me. Yes, I've hurt so many people along the way but it is not because I wanted to, but it just didn't work out. People gotta face the fact that shit happens. And maybe the shit is not from me?

Always realizing the bad, but never the good.

I wanna prove everyone wrong, but its natural for human that when someone does something good its never talked about or even bloody realized. But when it decides to do something real bad, the next second it would be the talk of the town. And then when we don't bother and just ignore the fact that they are talking about it then we will be called a BITCH. Humans are so complicated and so hard to pleased. I just wish someday they'll understand why it happen?; why is that my decision?; or what actually when wrong?

Innocence.

Sally said, its the way you portray yourself and the fact that most people I date has 1 same major criteria which is innocence. So either way, whatever happen people would look it as though I'm the one to blame for everything. So yea back to the topic about 'A' and 'B'. This time, I really got to think everything thoroughly. What am I searching for? If I could answer that question, gradually everything would fall into the right places and I could make my decision then. So for now, would it be safe to play the game and keep my options open since nothing has been declared yet or should I sit down and choose between both?

30th July

The night has come
The day is coming to an end
Just 15 minutes
And it will all be over
Still my wish didnt come true.

30th of July
Celebrating the birth of me
But something is pulling me down
Bringing back my faded memories
Aching my wounded heart
Causing my eyes to tear
Killing my happiness slowly.

Inhaling all kind of smoke
A fast way of escapism
Numbing every pain and ache
Achieving a short term happiness
Running away from facts
Chasing the high
Temporaly erasing reality
A painful reality.

Struggling to put a happy face
Failing to convince the world
That a happy guy like me
Is rotting with tears
And just left here with memories.

Someone along the way.

Someone, somehow.

Always liked that someone, but never had the opportunity to actually try to get to know him or at least even talked to him. (was in a relationship laa.. and got laa some more issues..) And yes, after 3 years of knowing each other's existence then things started to hit of. Its funny, because I've known this chap for about 3 years, and we never really talked. When we bumped into each other pun its like hi hi bye bye kinda thingy. And then came 31st July 2007, and my old housemates were doing a BBQ party/dinner. And also celebrating 2 people's birthday which was mine and someone else's. (sorry tak ingat namer tapi I know its a girl..) And he directly caught my attention as I walked in. He basically stole my 100% attention. So the BBQ started and there's prolly 20 - 30 people were present and most of them are staffs from DNP Clothing. (ala topshop, topman, warehouse and yada yada yada laa..)

As the night pass. (and I was already fucked due to unforeseen circumstances..)

We were playing eyes alot, or lets just say he always caught me looking at him. And yea we were having alot of eye contact. (maybe I perasan jgak laa but dont know laa..) And I seriously wanted him, (like before but just this time it was more stronger..) I wanted his number, I just wanted to grab the chance. And I did, obviously I had to tell Onnie and all so that I know they will pass the message to him and yes they did. And you know how I am with the malu malu sotong thingy. I'm just a shy person, and I couldn't do it. And my beloved unlawful sister Onnie said to him in front of me and everyone else that I wanted to ask him something. Being Izmil I just denied it and all and saying that its nothing. He then pulled me to the side and ask me again and again what is it and all I said was I'll get it from Onnie. And I did!

Finally.

Got in contact with him, and for our so called 'first date' I decided to bring some friends along. Just to break the ice so there wouldn't be any awkward moments. We went singing at News, Imbi Plaza and because we were also celebrating Myrez birthday which was on the 7Th of August. (Who attended? The usual; Tareq, Ayun, Sally and of course bday girl Myrez and me and him..) We actually had a great time, and well my friends likes him. Which is good. Since then, we were more in contact and we've been meeting up alot and yea things are heating up a lil bit. (tho I still dont know where it would be heading..) And I'm starting to really like him and its bad because I dont know whats in his head. (maybe I should find out... at least I know if I should keep a distance or not..)

What's he like?

Where do I begin? Ok, he is 13 yrs older than me. (very abang abang laa.. very actually..) Reserved. Masculine. A sweet guy actually. And obviously matured. (he should be for his age but I'm not gonna judge the book by its cover anymore.. pass experience..) Get along with people really well and fast. Good looking. Has a child whose 3 years old. (adopted.. the kid is so cute.. adorable..) Whether or not he is seeing someone else or in a relationship, I dont know because I've never actually asked but apparently yea he is still with someone. (I dont know; It doesn't seem that way..) And yes obviously working for DNP Clothing. He got tummy which I think its so cute, especially abang abang with tummy, it just goes well together. LOL! We can say that he is very husband material. That's how much I know about him. Oh yea his from Batu Pahat, Johore. Oh and yes, a very family oriented man. He doesn't go out that much. For now, he is perfect but I'm eager to find out his flaws tho. (no one's perfect kan..?)

1st base? 2nd base? 3rd base?

None. Cool eyh? The most was just holding hands or cuddling and that's about it. We've never even kiss! Imagine! I would like to know how he kisses tho,. hehe, and I would also like to know what does he has to offer, if you get what I mean. It doesn't really matter laa, that's just the horny side of me talking.

Ikon Asia @ PICC.

Its tonight, and I'm really hoping my brother's band win! GO OAG! It would be a big stepping stone for them and finally after 13 years of OAG they get their recognition. Leaving at 4pm but still not dress and haven't even showered! Will be picking up Meeya, Myrez and Lynfunkstar at Bangsar then head to Puchong to pick Hana up. So have to leave abit early and some more Tareq will be waiting for us at ERL Putrajaya station. Im so tired. Havent had sleep since yesterday. Just naps. Not good! And it didn't help that Tareq had the best dream! This gotta stop man! Things are getting a lil bit dangerous!