My so called "SURPRISE BDAY BASH". Thanks! <3

Before anything.


I would like to congratulate my bro's band, OAG and Jaclyn Victor for making it as our 1st Ikon Malaysia 2007. Especially to OAG who has been thru alot of ups and downs, changing of ppl in the band and so much more and finally after all the years being in this industry OAG is finally recognized! Congratulations again. The show was absolutely fabulous! (except for the part where Radhi's mic was faulty but dont worry guys it wasnt your fault!) I was jumping for joy that night sampai penat! Kesian Dayang, she has been thru so much and still didnt get it. Dont give up girl, you've got your own talent and sooner or later you will be up there. Just have a little patience yea?


290707, Digi casting at Damansara Heights.


Slept well I must say, my causin Shahir slept over. Already planned yesterday that me and Bazz will be going for the digi casting at Damansara. (woke up with a loud song of Whine up by Kat Deluna, thank god Bazz called if not I would have terlajak tdo.) Well after all the wait, we decided not to go on proceed with our own plans. We meaning Bazz, Aaron, Shahir and Me. Not forgeting Danger! I didnt had a plan at that time, so I was just going with the flow. First, was to head to Damansara to meet Danger, then well at that time I was made believe that Bazz is bringing me out and that everyone else had their own things to do.


Jeng jeng jeng, Bazz terpecah lobang!




So then only I know that Bazz decided to pull a surprise party for me at Yow Chuan. (where else kan?) And he already did all the invitation and all. Even my causin knew about it. Damn it! Before heading to Yow Chuan, we had to send my beloved causin back to his place at Kampung Pandan. (it was quite a distance to go there..) Hantar dia then we head straight to Yow Chuan. Myrez pullet out last minute, she had some issues to attend to by herself. (dont think too much Myrez just relax.. but 1 advise sayangku, dont think with your heart, think with your head!) So for the 1st time ever, I was actually early. We booked room at 530pm and we reach there on time with the room ready. First it was just the 3 of us. (me, Bazz & Aaron.) Nyanyi macam nak gila and all, then Hunns and Saiful came. Followed by Danger and new boif, Shamel. Cute. I like! And then Danger and boif had to leave early because they had to attend a wedding ceremony and by that time most of us were either drunk or typsy.

From 5.30pm to 12.00am.




That was how long we were in the room singing our lungs out. Around 8 something my bro and Alis came and by that time, I was already out! My voice was gone, Bazz was lying down, Hunns was jumping everywhere, Saiful Zameer and Aaron maintained. It was nice that all of them came, but it was also sad for me that well certain people that I wanted to see didnt appear, or maybe wasnt invited because I didnt do the invitation (Bazz did it, but its cool!) and one of them (Ricky!!) was working! Damn it! Tapi memang sampai suara hilang man! LOL!


A lil down towards the night.


Well, I was already down basically these past few days and well I guess that night got me feeling soooooooo happy and at the same time soooo down. Happy that well, there was actually people celebrating the birth of me. Down? *sigh. Exactly 1 year ago, we celebrated my birthday there as well and yes Bazz was the host! I was down and Bazz and friends cheered me up! Exactly 1 year ago again, that I broke up with my so called "love-of-my-life". And sadly til today, its still fresh in my memories like it just happened again. I shed some tears as well at this bash. Yes I know its pathetic but I just couldnt help what I felt. Everything suddenly appeared back in my head so clearly. And then suddenly out of the blue pulak Bazz just left for home just like that. He just wanted to go back and I seriously I dont know why. While walking him down (and mind you he was walking faster and faster..) he asked me like "..do you have anything to say, just say it now..?" and I'm like thinking what the fuck wei? And I didnt had anything to say so I said no and he walked even faster. So that really tick me off, and at that state of mind that I was in, I just didn't know what to do. (what happen Bazz? I really dont get it!)


Hit 12am.


Birthday song was sang by everyone and the karaoke session end. Received so many text messages of happy birthday wishes from so many people. (thanks so much guys for actually even remembering. Ke korang letak dalam calendar telephone??) But it got me more down, I was waiting for a txt from someone and well til now I haven't received it. Guess as much that he forgotten. Or he just couldnt be bothered anymore. (macam pukimak kan?) So I continued the night with a-little-moody-but-still-cool-look kinda thingy. Dropped everyone home and headed home. And finally I actually smiled because there was a cake waiting for me at home with candles! (a nice cake some more.) And a song from my family came with it. Then I realized that no mater how down I feel but as I see my family they can just make me smile even just by standing in front of me and not saying anything. Thanks mum, dad, bro and alis. Thank you so much.


Thanks.


Thanks guys for everything. Thanks for the presents! Thanks so much! Love you guys!

Why?

Why is it so hard
so hard to understand you?
Why does everything seems so right
but at the same time so wrong?
Why do I feel this way?
Why must i feel this way?

I've never asked much;
Just maybe your love.
And a year has passed,
Clearly shown;
Everything has faded.
Your LOVE has faded..

Isnt the word LOVE something sacred and meaningful?
Then why did you say it all the time?
To me..
Before..
Knowing now it would always be a mystery..

Its like a game I'm playing
but just with one player.
And the catch to the game is;
WITH TWO PLAYERS THEN ONLY YOU COULD WIN!
I feel like a dumb fool,
Being fooled over and over again.
And it goes on.. and on and on...

Maybe Im too easy?
What am I to say?
Admits; mistakes has been done before
and now im trying to get things right!
Once I was told;
"..You cant help what you feel
But just to feel it!.."
Sadly indeniably true..

Its heading my way now.
"..What goes around, comes around Izzy.."
Always was repeated to my ears.
Its all coming back to me,
Payback;
Revenge;
KARMA;
Good or bad;
harshly.
And it all comes back to one simple question;
WHY?


*sigh

Its so cute! <3

Icons.

Its so cute dont you think? These icons could actually describe someone. In many different way tho. You could describe one's personality, you could describe one's feelings and maybe one's thoughts! I found so many icons that could describe me, but the ones above are mixture of my personality, feelings and definitely my thoughts. Try going thru it, see whether you agree or disagree. Maybe some of the icon's could relate to you? Well, now I'm gonna promote it. Head to http://www.123icons.com. There's loads of icons to pick from. You can pening just going thru it. Some are like really cute and naughty. And yes some is quite lame and shit. There must be a balance of everything kan?

Bored.

Now lying down in my hall. (and yea my room has be taken by my maid for the meantime, so aku ni macam menumpang sat..) Its gonna be 4am, and SAS! Have to be up by 8am to settle everything. My maid's passport, her working permit, her leave letter and all those things. Need to go pay all my bills. Must do everything tmrw so I could really rest on my annual leave. Was invited by Sally to chill at her place later in the evening. And before that to go Petaling Street. She needs to get something, and apparently its really important. (i know what is it, and its beautiful!)

Tix to Jakarta.

Just had a short discussion with Tareq. This monday we will be heading to KLIA to try to get the F.O.C ticket to Jakarta. Save budget abit rite? I hope I get to budget myself this next few months so that I dont overspent for the trip to Jakarta. Haven't even inform my family yet, will do it prolly 2 weeks before I leave. Wanted Fizul to join us, but then he got concert on that dates! Darn! *sigh. *yawn.

Type type type. SAS!

Another year it is.

Damn it, in 5 days I'll add 1 to my age. And I already feel old enough. Im actually scared. I mean, everytime my bday comes closer and closer I always wonder what have I achieved the past year? But this year has been quite a good year for me. (insyaallah tahun tahun akan datang lebih murah rezeki for me, my famliy and friends.. Amin) After what has happen to me in the past years, I've learnt so much. (tapi masih tersangkut dengan masa silam yee..) As what Finns said today, "..the day you get over it, is the day you found a replacement.." In alot of ways I do agree with what she said, but isnt there other ways? Tak yah nak berkenalan and all. Just live the normal single life? Atau maybe the feeling would just go away? Yea, basically I'm not over it but thats not the main topic in my life now. Im getting use to the feeling. I think it will fade away once everything is stable and more calm.

Things that has happen lately.

Well, lets see. I've broken a few people's heart. I mean not really broke their hearts laa, but things just didnt work out. Yes its my fault. (i cant wait for Karma..) Family bonding has been really good, altho there is ups and downs but its been really good. And my maid is back here but just for a month, she's leaving back to Bandung already. Just for prolly 2 months or so til her elder sister comes back from Arab. Me and my elder brother (siapa tak kenal fizul kan?) are bonding pretty well. I guess we have learnt to accept each others flaws and weaknesses. Sometimes when I'm feeling down its nice to actually get advice from him. (i owe 2 yrs to my family and now I'm willing pay it back..)

Friends.

*sigh. Im actually so blessed to have friends like mine. (whether their bitching about me or not.. I doubt it tho. LOL!) Everytime I'm with them they really brighten up my day. There's so many different characters in my group of friends and sometimes I laugh at it because its just so cute. Not just characters, but even age gap. And surprisingly still with the far age gap we could click! Lets see, there's Sally; a weird personality, fun and outgoing. Never thought that her age is that. (takkan la i nak cakap kan?.. ehhe) And then there's Ayun. (Khairul Anwar nama sebenar tapi I dont know how AYUN came about.. Family name kutz..) He is so cute. He also my hair dresser. He likes to give funny sarcarstic remarks and its sometimes its hilarious! And he is also a very confused person. And kesian orang yang duk tunggu dia. Ayun, make up ur mind! Then there's Myra or Myrez. Hehe, she ma twin sister. We're so different but alike. Get it? And we cant forget Lyn. (you know Azlyn Balqis, LYNFUNKSTAR.. gawd she has so many names..) She appears once in awhile, since she started working she's been busy. Understandable. She's fun! Hmmm, alot more people laa. We cant forget Tareq kan? (that one mmg sehidup semati..) I guess we bond better now tho. We're much closer now than before. Not just when I was in a relationship but even before. We're more matured in our "best-friends" relationship now. Pemikiran kita pun dah matang kan. We're even closer due to the fact that we work under the same company and the same department. And then there's Shereen. She confused. She cute. And she talks alot, especially when she has her dessert which is greens and herbs. Sometimes half the time I cant really understand what is she saying but I love her. And there's Atif. Awww keshian Atif now have to start classes at college already. But its ok, he definitely gonna turn out to be one big campus slut. (you can do it Atif, I know you want to..)

First its a liability and then later turns into an asset.

Well, this is prolly my greatest achievement in life. I bought over a landed property at Bdr Sri Dsara. Double-storey link house. Its actually our 1st house that's actually ours in my family. (ok laa rumah kat subang tak leh kira laa, that was long time ago..) And I'm proud of it and my family is excited about it! Its a beautiful place. Its well maintained, and I dont need to do any renovation or cleaning up cuz it is as good as new. Me and Fizul wont be staying there tho. It would just be Mum, dad and my maid. Me and Fizul and not forgetting Alis will be maintaining this condominium. I guess mum wants to teach Fizul to be more independant. More reliable and definitely let him go through life as it is now that he has more commitments like the WNA 9757 and the house bills and all. And some more, he has never stayed alone before so I pun tak tau how to handle this. But I guess it will be ok. Slowly slowly he will learn la kutz. (im begging, hoping and praying.. hehe)

Jakarta this September? Any followers?

Well, me and Tareq will be going for our 3rd holiday and this time we're going to Jakarta. Sept 6th til the 9th. Cant wait man. Our annual leave is approved, so we just have to purchased our tix. (tapi I dont know whether I should use my F.O.C ticket or not..? it would be a waste jgak if I dont..) And Tareq's mum would do our hotel booking since she could get it at cheaper rate. Tapi ya la, Chia wont be there in Jakarta so I guess me and Tareq are really gonna be tourist there man! LOL! Well, I really dont mind if other's wanna join us this trip. Hani said she might, so must update her. This is gonna be another blast! (cross your fingers girls!)

Looking forward to 2nd August.

I'll be doing a daily flight to Bangkok. This is the best part, I'll be flying with Tareq man! First time that we are rostered on the same flight! (if only it was trip ke, or airbus NS ke? Lg best kan!?) But yea, in a way scared la jgak because you know perbalahan cara berkerja. Confirm I'm gonna be the gelly steward man! Hehe, dah laa Tareq tak suka orang too particular. Im quite particular laa. Particular in normal normal thingy like cleanliness and all. Hehe, nanti I know sure confirm Tareq will take out a statement towards me! LOL! But I still cant wait. I've always jumpa dia tapi tak pernah fly sama! *sigh. Who is the leading arh? I dont know whether can find out or not.

SAS.

Im telling you, SAS has been happening alot in my life. But dont worry, I'm still in control of it. I dont know, but this is definitely an addiction. No I cant say I'm addicted to it. If ade then ade if tak de then I wont go finding for it. But if someone were to mention it to me about it or maybe I've planned it but then I cant get it; maybe I will start looking for it. And that would make me look like I'm addicted to it. BUT IM NOT GUYS OK! DONT WORRY! Now, chillin' out in my brother's room trying to finish typing this blog and at the same time looking at Tareq in front of me getting so "intimate" with the desktop. (I'm on my laptop..) Hehe, he has something for electronic gadgets when he SAS! Dunia luar lesap. Tak de laa its not that bad. Ok, enough of me typing and yapping about I dont know what. Will update you tmrw! (gosh I've got so much things to do tmrw man!)

A word or an essay of apology and clarification.

It aint working out?

It cant work out man. Partially my fault; misleading. I knew from the start benda nih mesti terjadi. But I thought, why not give it a chance. I tried but I just couldn't open up yet. Im still not over my past. And maybe for awhile, I just wanna be single. I wanna pamper myself, with everything. I wanna regain back all my strength. I have to pick up what I left off with my friends, and its still a long journey more to go (insyaallah...) til all the bits of puzzle has been arrange.

After a long SMS received at Jakarta.

It was a pretty long txt. Panjang la jgak. Sebenarnya, it's really sweet that well; your intentions. Tapi, I tak pikir jauh tuh lagi, and I tak nak pikir jauh tuh lagi. I tanak pikir pasal commitments. And I dont want you to, as well. Why commit to something that you are not sure of right? Well I dont know about you, I'm not sure about anything now in my life. I've got alot of issues that I have been running away from and til all that issues have actually been look through and having doing actions to settle it I'll always be the way I am. And itu bukan orang yang patut you commit to.

Experience everything!

Bukan je I tanak you commit ngan orang macam tuh, tapi I nak you experience everything. I want you to grow up! I want you to be strong, and independant! I like that you have a vision of yourself, that you know what you wanna do in your life, and you have a stand in your life. But there is more to that. Tp its still mentah. Pemikiran you tak habis matang lagi, and not to say i'm so matured and so perfect because I know i'm not. Just maybe I have more experience and i'm not trying to say that you dont have experience, but all my experience I just think that mungkin I can share with you. Supaya, you pun x lah buat kesilapan yg I pernah buat. There's more to see in the world there, and as you grow older and wiser then you will understand what I actually meant.

"..never fall in love, always walk in love.." - as quoted by Fizul a.k.a My Brother.

Never fall in love, but I know from the way you talk and the way u are and you said it yourself you fell. I just wonder how could you fall after just getting to know someone (which I must add that you prolly only found out 10% of the whole me..) for a day? It was honestly a big turn off point for me when you actually said; ".. yada yada yada.. Gdnite and Love you.." How could you be so easy? Sometimes when I think about it, I feel as though that you just dont know the meaning of it or maybe how deep and meaningful that word could be. It's not like I know the meaning to it but to me its a really big word; it means alot and I definitely dont use it often and I definitely dont use it to a guy I just met and getting to know no matter if I fell in love. I'm scared that probably you have said it to god knows how many people. Dont you agree? Dont say things that you dont mean. Always think of the consequences before saying something. You might just be pushed even far away or if your lucky, he'll ask you to move with him. But that aint me, itu bukan saya! You gave it so easily, or maybe you threw urself to me so easily that there was no challenge for me to even try. You cant do that sayang, because if you continue on doing that you'll be hurt at the end. And I bet you know, patah hati lah penyakit paling lama nak sembuh.

I feel so old saying all these.

Dah laa Sally and Shereen said that I could actually 30. Or 31. Imagine. Damn it!
Maybe I cant compare my experience or myself to people much older than me, but I could just give my advice to you from my own living past experience. Sometimes when your so infatuated with something new in your life you tend to not think of the issue thoroughly but you just follow your feelings. There's time that yes, you could follow your heart but at other times your mind plays a more important factor. Always remember that!

A sweetheart, a dear.

Your a sweetheart and you are such a dear. Your sweet, and well you know what to say to someone at the right time. But i'm so so so so so sorry but it just wont happen, not now; not anytime soon and not in the nearest future. I know, you selalu cakap you dont want to rush me but sometimes the things you say make me feel that you want me to rush. You want me to make my decision and sometimes I rasa rimas. Rasa meluat pun ade. And if I ever want to commit to someone, that someone just cant be to mengada. I'm not saying that you are over mengada but at times you could be. I cant deal with that, or maybe because I know I'm the mengada type. I'm the one who wants to be pampered. I need a man, someone thats the opposite of me, someone that's well; a MAN. And your not a man yet. Manhood has not fully hit you. Mentally and I don't know maybe physically. (but physically I doubt it laa; again you'll never know kan?)

I'm hoping that you realized that I've warn you about this.
(obviously now i'm trying to make myself feel better about this; the fact that actually I feel so fucking guilty about everything..)

I've said it to you before; dont rush your feelings, keep your eyes open to other options. Reason why I always remind you about that; its because I dont want this to happen. I dont know whether I said it to you before, but I get turn off just like if that someone melafazkan kata - kata cinta to me after a few days. Its sweet, really really sweet and flattered (kalau perasan itu benar and you really meant it..) but there will be no challenge for me anymore? I've not actually shown my true-self and you have already said it. Sometimes kita kena main tarik tali sket, or jual mahal tapi jangan la mahal sangat pulak nanti orang pun malas, naik meluat. Ok, I give example ok? There's this 2 guys that your dating, and then one of them gave you a whole guni of sweets and the other one gives you same sweets as well but one by one, sket demi sket. And not semua sekali. Cuba you pikir la, you takkan muak ke makan sweets seguni tuh? Kan lagi bagus kalau u beri sket demi sket so that it would make that other party to come asking for more. Think about it.

Opposite attracts.

Well it really does. You cant date someone who is you, or put it this way; WE JUST CANT DATE OURSELVES. And well not to say, that we are the same but maybe your just not dominant enough for me. We're both are like at the same level. And that's really hard, and it will confused us alot. And i'm pretty sure you want someone that's more dominant. (looking thru the way you potrey urself.. at times..) I'm not really a dominant person and I would like to have someone who is more dominant than me, not because I want to hang on to them like pest, but maybe just for security.

This is my apology.

Again, i'm really sorry. And that i'm actually hoping that you never meant what you said or you never felt what you said you felt so that you wont actually hurt. I dont want to hurt anyone, and I never meant to if I actually did. But i'm glad that I met you, at least maybe this small little experience/path/or whatever that we could name it would actually make you realized something. I dont know, it could be anything. Its just how you look at it ok? And yes again i'm saying it, I'M SORRY. PLS ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.

ps : this time I actually had the actual guts to state the truth and avoid more confusing situations and problems. Tada! Congrats!

Life, again..

9 in the morning,
I've freshened up and am wide awake,
wishing for a hope,
the hope of a life that ended to begin
again..

Now I'm staring thru my windows,
into the light blue sky,
wandering thru the flow of clouds,
flowing towards the west
with all the sense of knowing,
and the sense of possibilities,
a thunderstorm is coming my way
again..

But this is not what I wanted,
just to wish for a hope of a life,
and to prepare for that thunderstorm,
that no matter what it will cause the end,
end of a life,
and most of all the end of my wish of hope..
Again..

As hours pass,
and as the sun rises,
glaring straight into my eyes.
A cycle of life,
the glare made me realized.
From the beginning til you reach the end,
you cant change what has ended,
and as the saying brought down to us by our ancestors;
when its meant to be,
its just bloody hell meant to be!

Take a deep breath and relax,
the secrets unfold.
It states;
"YES YOU CANT CHANGE WHAT HAS ENDED,
BUT YOU COULD CHANGE WHAT HAD BEGUN."

Like the sun,
we could rise up with strength and power.
And like the sun again,
it knows life do begins and it ends.
It knows that when a thunderstorm hits,
it will hit hard and,
the sun weakens and falls.
It suddenly hit me,
that's life!

Putting behind all that has happened,
the sun moves on,
and again,
it will rise and shine brightly,
glaring straight into,
another ones wishing eyes..

Its life, again..

Alone in this now.

Paranoid.

I know I'm doing something wrong; I'm just hoping this time they will forgive me. I dont know whether its wrong or not, but I guess if it was me I'll be cool, just afraid others wouldnt be.

07/07/07

Nice date dont ya think? It was a nice day for me as well. Got back from flight and well headed out. Didnt regret heading out at all; it was a good chat. Its been awhile, i've gone out and well it was just talking talking and talking. Heading somewhere? Lets not speak to soon. I dont know what is in people's mind nowadays, so I guess it would take time for me to answer that question. But sadly, yes sadly I dont have that much time. And yes as what someone said to me, "..i cant buy time to spend it with you.." But now I'm wishing if only we could eyh?

Broke!!

Damn it, on wednesday I'll be going to Kaoshiung and the following day to Jakarta, and Im broke. So worried actually. And then some more, after 3 days OFF I'll be going to Perth. I cant ask from anyone now; really dont plan to add more debts in accounts. Its already not seimbang. Sometimes I just regret spending my money on stupid things man; but no regrets they say. Well to make myself feel better, I always tell myself, yea no regrets! Enjoy it! LOL! Anyways heading to my bed. Its yelling my name. Thank god, im flying tomorrow but only at night. Pheww.

5 am in the morning. (again...)

25th June my ass! LOL!

OMG, yeye only 25th June. Its apparently pushed forward til 30th July. Obviously I guess that would happen, and my reaction was; "..well ok then, let me join in the fun.." I could not resist the temptation that was thrown to me by well my partner in crime whom actually chose that date! Things are getting a lil dangerous now. It'd better be 30th of July or I guess I'm gonna do it myself. This time.

Tempatations.

But how is there to resist when its right in front of your face. And looking at all my friends who just look so wow! The temptation is seriously huge. Ok, lets just say you love to eat chocolates. Its like a daily routine shit, you must have choc's everyday. And now, ur weight has been a bitch to you and you realize that; its giving you alot of problem. You decide, ".. ok this is it, I cant do this no more.." So after sigh, a few days maybe. Your friends invites you over and there they are, licking up the chocolate and looking at their faces and expressions you think to yourself, "..damn man this choc must be damn bloody good.." and there, you couldnt resist at the end. You had to take a bite, which then lead to another and another.

Regrets?

Damn man, no regrets! It was really damn good chocolate. I was so interested that I had to know the manufacturer!!! LOL! That's bad kan? Actually I dont know whether I'm regretting cuz half of me is saying; "..why did you had to a bite of the chocolate..?" and the other one is saying; "..its worth it!.." Im just having doubts I guess.

Im fucking working! Pick up is at 1145am.

And look, its 0524am and I'm still awake. Chocolate rush. Shhhiissshhh. But yea, I guess I'm gonna try now to doze off, but I cant cuz I have to send me mummy to work. Damn it. So its gonna be one of those days where you just dont have enough sleep and the concealor (or however you spell it, not the time for an english class..) comes in really handy. I knew I bought it for a purpose just didn't know it was for this. LOL!

Lost.

Im lost too. So anyways, lets not get the other readers lost as well and say my goodnight. Goodnight, and sweet dweams. Izzy is buzzing off for awhile to lang far far away, called NOWHERE ISLAND.