A word or an essay of apology and clarification.

It aint working out?

It cant work out man. Partially my fault; misleading. I knew from the start benda nih mesti terjadi. But I thought, why not give it a chance. I tried but I just couldn't open up yet. Im still not over my past. And maybe for awhile, I just wanna be single. I wanna pamper myself, with everything. I wanna regain back all my strength. I have to pick up what I left off with my friends, and its still a long journey more to go (insyaallah...) til all the bits of puzzle has been arrange.

After a long SMS received at Jakarta.

It was a pretty long txt. Panjang la jgak. Sebenarnya, it's really sweet that well; your intentions. Tapi, I tak pikir jauh tuh lagi, and I tak nak pikir jauh tuh lagi. I tanak pikir pasal commitments. And I dont want you to, as well. Why commit to something that you are not sure of right? Well I dont know about you, I'm not sure about anything now in my life. I've got alot of issues that I have been running away from and til all that issues have actually been look through and having doing actions to settle it I'll always be the way I am. And itu bukan orang yang patut you commit to.

Experience everything!

Bukan je I tanak you commit ngan orang macam tuh, tapi I nak you experience everything. I want you to grow up! I want you to be strong, and independant! I like that you have a vision of yourself, that you know what you wanna do in your life, and you have a stand in your life. But there is more to that. Tp its still mentah. Pemikiran you tak habis matang lagi, and not to say i'm so matured and so perfect because I know i'm not. Just maybe I have more experience and i'm not trying to say that you dont have experience, but all my experience I just think that mungkin I can share with you. Supaya, you pun x lah buat kesilapan yg I pernah buat. There's more to see in the world there, and as you grow older and wiser then you will understand what I actually meant.

"..never fall in love, always walk in love.." - as quoted by Fizul a.k.a My Brother.

Never fall in love, but I know from the way you talk and the way u are and you said it yourself you fell. I just wonder how could you fall after just getting to know someone (which I must add that you prolly only found out 10% of the whole me..) for a day? It was honestly a big turn off point for me when you actually said; ".. yada yada yada.. Gdnite and Love you.." How could you be so easy? Sometimes when I think about it, I feel as though that you just dont know the meaning of it or maybe how deep and meaningful that word could be. It's not like I know the meaning to it but to me its a really big word; it means alot and I definitely dont use it often and I definitely dont use it to a guy I just met and getting to know no matter if I fell in love. I'm scared that probably you have said it to god knows how many people. Dont you agree? Dont say things that you dont mean. Always think of the consequences before saying something. You might just be pushed even far away or if your lucky, he'll ask you to move with him. But that aint me, itu bukan saya! You gave it so easily, or maybe you threw urself to me so easily that there was no challenge for me to even try. You cant do that sayang, because if you continue on doing that you'll be hurt at the end. And I bet you know, patah hati lah penyakit paling lama nak sembuh.

I feel so old saying all these.

Dah laa Sally and Shereen said that I could actually 30. Or 31. Imagine. Damn it!
Maybe I cant compare my experience or myself to people much older than me, but I could just give my advice to you from my own living past experience. Sometimes when your so infatuated with something new in your life you tend to not think of the issue thoroughly but you just follow your feelings. There's time that yes, you could follow your heart but at other times your mind plays a more important factor. Always remember that!

A sweetheart, a dear.

Your a sweetheart and you are such a dear. Your sweet, and well you know what to say to someone at the right time. But i'm so so so so so sorry but it just wont happen, not now; not anytime soon and not in the nearest future. I know, you selalu cakap you dont want to rush me but sometimes the things you say make me feel that you want me to rush. You want me to make my decision and sometimes I rasa rimas. Rasa meluat pun ade. And if I ever want to commit to someone, that someone just cant be to mengada. I'm not saying that you are over mengada but at times you could be. I cant deal with that, or maybe because I know I'm the mengada type. I'm the one who wants to be pampered. I need a man, someone thats the opposite of me, someone that's well; a MAN. And your not a man yet. Manhood has not fully hit you. Mentally and I don't know maybe physically. (but physically I doubt it laa; again you'll never know kan?)

I'm hoping that you realized that I've warn you about this.
(obviously now i'm trying to make myself feel better about this; the fact that actually I feel so fucking guilty about everything..)

I've said it to you before; dont rush your feelings, keep your eyes open to other options. Reason why I always remind you about that; its because I dont want this to happen. I dont know whether I said it to you before, but I get turn off just like if that someone melafazkan kata - kata cinta to me after a few days. Its sweet, really really sweet and flattered (kalau perasan itu benar and you really meant it..) but there will be no challenge for me anymore? I've not actually shown my true-self and you have already said it. Sometimes kita kena main tarik tali sket, or jual mahal tapi jangan la mahal sangat pulak nanti orang pun malas, naik meluat. Ok, I give example ok? There's this 2 guys that your dating, and then one of them gave you a whole guni of sweets and the other one gives you same sweets as well but one by one, sket demi sket. And not semua sekali. Cuba you pikir la, you takkan muak ke makan sweets seguni tuh? Kan lagi bagus kalau u beri sket demi sket so that it would make that other party to come asking for more. Think about it.

Opposite attracts.

Well it really does. You cant date someone who is you, or put it this way; WE JUST CANT DATE OURSELVES. And well not to say, that we are the same but maybe your just not dominant enough for me. We're both are like at the same level. And that's really hard, and it will confused us alot. And i'm pretty sure you want someone that's more dominant. (looking thru the way you potrey urself.. at times..) I'm not really a dominant person and I would like to have someone who is more dominant than me, not because I want to hang on to them like pest, but maybe just for security.

This is my apology.

Again, i'm really sorry. And that i'm actually hoping that you never meant what you said or you never felt what you said you felt so that you wont actually hurt. I dont want to hurt anyone, and I never meant to if I actually did. But i'm glad that I met you, at least maybe this small little experience/path/or whatever that we could name it would actually make you realized something. I dont know, it could be anything. Its just how you look at it ok? And yes again i'm saying it, I'M SORRY. PLS ACCEPT MY APOLOGY.

ps : this time I actually had the actual guts to state the truth and avoid more confusing situations and problems. Tada! Congrats!