Scared.

Was what he (Johan) said is true?

Today made me realize something, what he said about me is true. I NEVER WANT TO LOSE, I NEVER WANT TO ADMIT MY MISTAKES AND I ALWAYS HIDE THAT FLAWS AND WEAKNESS OF MINE. Wait who am I kidding, everyone is bloody hell saying it! I guess I should just accept reality and fact's of life that there are people better than me out there and that I should not or actually DONT deserve the rights to be bitter about it. I did had my fair share out there right?


It's just mankind, human.

Being human, a natural judge. We just judge people from this 1 angle, 1 side and never we have looked and seek facts on the other side. We judge the bad, but have we ever judge the good? Is it even look into? NO ONE IS BETTER THAN YOU for that is what you think? Or that is what you want to believe in, (this is hard for me to say..) but for once I think it's time I let that side down and give others a chance.


Others? I want that chance!

Actually, no let me get it right. Give ME a chance, to prove to people out there my good side; a better side of me and maybe, just maybe I would be remembered in a good way and not just someone ".. oh yeah I know him, who doesn't?.. " I guess I've shown a totally different side of me and maybe just too much, and people are beginning to question, and statements thrown, and that judging continues.. And when your name has reach the top, and when people start to talk only then you would realize what a mistake you have done to dirty up your own name and records. Believe me by then, even if you didn't do what everyone is talking about, IT WILL STILL BE YOU,. (not a nice feeling when it get's to your ears..)


2 yrs, no strings attached!

Somehow, it has taught me alot, alot about myself; how am I actually / what am I actually and sadly I'm not to happy of what I've turn out to be. I myself am shocked with my actions and my own behaviour. IT IS SO FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE! I for once never knew that I had it in me, no that's not it; I was just being so fucking ignorant that I dont realize there are other's around me whose living in the same timezone, warp and not another world or another life. I've gone against my principles, my so called hard on principles that I've dug or build in myself which I followed and obeyed. Is this actions and weird behaviour is just me acting, screaming, crying out of loneliness? Attention?


Is it really loneliness or is it actually attention that I need?

Just a few days back this was the hot topic at a friends place. And a conclusion made by friends is ATTENTION. I'm not objecting nor I'm not gonna agreeing. To me, loneliness and attention comes hand in hand. For you to feel lonely, one of the factors is that you are lack of attention and having the feeling of the lack of attention may lead to being lonely. Based on general life facts. Someone may have everything in life, a "so-called" happy family, a lot of acquaintance,a lot of friends and a loving partner but still could end up feeling lonely! What about me who want's to have everything in life (..and yes still struggling for it!), a very happy family, I've got acquaintance and just that few friends and no loving partner, HOW AM I TO FEEL?

My family gives me that attention and so as my friends but "..is it actually just attention that I'm seeking for? Don't I want more? Am I not giving anyone a chance? Or am I just not giving myself that chance?.."


Questions, questions and questions.

And yes another question, do I think too much? Apparently everybody thinks so. I've got this problem of questioning and questioning and never stop questioning that it becomes a small drama in my head but actually it's nothing and could be dealt with if I just have the patience. It's time I just step back and relax for awhile. "..Let it flow, and let my karma flow. If I'm patient sooner or later I know, again this star will glow!.."


XOXO