Changes
*stay in love by MC is playing on the background, while “he” is surfing thru the net
Its been awhile, and DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START is flashing in my thoughts. Sigh. Changes? Surrounding is a most definite! Months since I’ve actually had a decent conversation with Ricky – my bestfriend or should I say my other evil twin, a brother then. Again, Izmil screwed up big time. Though, I wasn’t told the reason but I guess after a certain long holiday (which I was supposed to come along..) made him realize what a fucked up friend or brother I’ve been to him. Looking up to the skies, still seeking for the answers and there it was splat in front of my eyes – IT’S YOU IZMIL! Subconsciously I admit I do things or make decisions without thinking it thoroughly. I took things for granted, always thinking that I’d have a soft spot somewhere deep down in him even after all I’ve done. Shish! Everything has a limit, even broadband has a limitation to its bandwidth - what made me think that friendship doesn’t have a limit?!
Apparently, there was a lie that came out from my mouth about me not dating “him”. The truth is, I wasn’t lying at that point in time because we weren’t an item, nor we were dating. “He” was still kissing other guys in front of me for goodness sake. I admit that, I was still trying and I didn’t stop trying. We had 2 confrontations on the MSN, first was because my tag on MSN which was “what’s going on?”. It started with “him” saying – is the tag heading towards me, I hope I’m not sending confusing signals to you. And both confrontation ended with “we should be friends, I don’t want to ruin what we have now, we’re so much closer now, sigh you have a boyfriend (who was in INDO and actually dump me; reason – his dad found out about us and he told me to end it with you, his 19yrs, but yea I was waiting for it.), and I’M NOT A GOOD BOYFRIEND” and what not. So I wasn’t lying at that point.
As time flies me and “him” were always chilling out together – he never failed to make me laugh and smile even though I felt like trash.
Instincts tells me that this could go somewhere, and I definitely was crossing my god damn legs, balls etc. And things did heated up and Izmil paid more attention to “him” then to everyone else – subconsciously not realizing that I was giving out a signal to the universe that “everyone else” just disappears or thought of vaguely. I’m sorry. That was not my intention, I was just trying extremely very hard to work it out and not to fucked up this one and yes I guess I’ve said it a million times for the past 2 years of my ‘changing partners weekly was in fashion season’ but honestly because I really fell, and I was so afraid that karma is here to get me. And I didn’t had anyone to share this to.
Guilty conscious. Then decision was made – get this relationship hard and stable and sort out other matters later besides work though. Me and Ricky was still in contact but the distant between us was apparent. I do go see him once awhile, but he kept it to himself. I tried once to open up – “so you guy’s are dating laa?” question directed straight to me. Again at that time, I didn’t know the status. That was my answer. Everything was normal after that.
I started training with JetAirways, so it kind of push us further apart. I was always too tired after training plus I always had dinner plans then. Ricky’s big long trip to BKK was around the corner, June 19th to be exact. We had dinner at Bora Asmara – Nad’s birthday dinner. Then we chilled thru out the night, got wasted at a hotel in Puduraya. Shereen’s friends room. And that’s when I told him. I was over the guilty conscious feeling. My best friend deserves to know and I want him to know. Maybe certain thing’s that I’ve said shouldn’t have come out from my mouth – “this is the best, my best friend and my boyfriend shares the same birth date” forgetting that he gave a remark and plan to have sex with my boyfriend on their birthday. THINK BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING IZMIL!
A minute away from 0000hrs turning the date to 25th June (by the way, Ricky had just got back from the amazing holiday) and I called, I messaged and there was no reply. There was no reply for months.
I do keep myself updated about Ricky, I asked a lot about him. I left for
And so I lived my life, pretending nothing happen and cherishing all the moments with “he” who is still surfing the internet. “He” has always advise and told me to do something about Ricky, but I was just too scared. I was scared that this time, he would never forgive me. I RATHER NOT KNOW THAN BEING REJECTED OR TOLD STRAIGHT TO THE FACE. A coward you can call me.
* Ketulusan Hati by Anuar Zain playing at the background, sounds of cars traveling at high speed on the highway.
A sudden news – RICKY IS GOING TO SYRIA TO MEET HIS REAL DAD AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS FOR THE FIRST TIME. Tears rolling down my eyes, breathing so heavily was my immediate reaction. I’m the worse friend anyone could ever have. I was supposed to go with him for support – was planned during high-school. Sobbing harder. I said sorry, I went to see him before he left for the airport. We had a brief chat, and again I was seeking for forgiveness for what a fucked up friend I was to him.
I got the forgiveness, but I guess things has change. We don’t talk anymore. He doesn’t reply me.
I’m sorry babe. I really am. I’ve been so selfish, and I didn’t think of anyone but me. And I understand why you wouldn’t wanna talk to me, I’d prolly wont even talk to myself. I guess “the inseparable Ricky and Izmil” and crush into a million pieces. I never lied about anything, and I didn’t mean anything. As I said I was chasing my own happiness and I didn’t think of others. I’ve learned. And I’m not here to force you to talk to me even if you dont want to but I want you to know - that i'll always be here if ever you need to talk to or if you need help or better yet if you ever wanna hang out and no matter what you’re still “THE” best friend, my evil twin, my brother.
Love,
Izmil
My amazing life so far.
Again, mind is blank. There’s too much. We go with the obvious first, I'M ATTACHED! I never thought an old fling 5 years back turned out to be someone that again swept me off my feet. “He” once said that “he” is not a good partner/boyfriend and let me say – THAT’S A BUNCH OF CRAP! The sweetest of them all. Although I actually never saw that side of him before. Let me be honest, I thought he would be those ignorant bastards, emotionless or just doesn’t know how to show it but a total opposite! “He” has been there for me since my troubled life started on April this year. He is always at the back, holding me straight up and not allowing me to give up. And because of that I didn’t want to give up although there was a few breakdowns but I guess being quite a dramatic person it’s normal. I wanted to prove to him, everyone and MOSTLY to myself that I could do it. And since then, he has been the sweetest thing – I CANT GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!
Finally something real that I could rest on.
Work has been great since I’m being paid for free but soon I’ll be earning the bucks! This 19th to be exact. It’d be my first flight with Jet Airways – looking forward to it but at the same time I’m a little scared. The culture over there is so much different, and adapting to it is really hard. And so say the GM of Cabin Crew Training Jet Airways; “all of you in the room now carry a big responsibility to change the culture of the crew in Jet Airways, the local crew. We want all of our crew to have fun during their flights – stress free flight and only with that you could give more than 100% towards your job. THE JOY OF FLYING is our tag line; how would the passenger feel the joy of flying if the crew is not even happy to fly? SO you guys have to change that..” He understated big responsibility, it’s more like damn fucking huge responsibility! They expect a lot from us – expat crew.
*the sun rises.
A round of “golf”, and it was an amazing round! It’s the best so far.
After a short rest, I decided to on my cell. A message comes in from DIGI.
“
1 missed call by 016*******”
I called back, no answer. Guess he must have accidentally called me or something. It’s amazing how the world works – a few hours back I was typing this blog and obviously he is one of the main issues and a missed call from him later on? Still think it was a mistaken call or maybe he wanted to ask something or just maybe he wants to talk. I don’t know, wish it was the last option though.
Family, family, family.
Things at home are kind of bad now, it’s been very stressful for everyone – business aint going to well, pay cut, a son whose making it in the scene but still unable to take responsibility, another son who just join a new company and has yet to earn the big bucks. Basically, its financially and the usual emotional drama. Everything has been really tight for me, and definitely tough. One good thing is and I’m proud to say it that family has a very strong bond, and very high tolerance and patience level. No matter what shit we do at the end of the day if anyone one of us falls the rest would always be at the back to support and pulls that person up, even if it takes a million years. That is something I’ll bring down to my next generation (if any).
No matter how much I bitch about them and how I always say I hate them but that was just my anger talking, I love them because no matter how fucked up I am or even so gay they are still proud to call me my son or my brother.
*some podcast trance music playing at the background and again “he” is surfing on the internet.
The room finally looks like a room.
We finally painted the room. It was half painted already prolly 3 months back. It has a raw look to it; it’s not smooth but definitely could pass for a theme or and art? Okay not an art, but it just look like someone didn’t know how to paint walls decided to paint. Go figure how it looks like. But I like it.
I guess this sum’s up to everything that has been on my mind and just haven’t had the opportunity to blog it out. This might be the longest blog I’ve written so far.
xoxo
0 comments:
Post a Comment