Just some scribbles..

Drained out.

Damn, alot has happen - I just dont know where to begin.

Training has been good, tough I must say. Its so much more different than the last training I went through 4 years ago. Everything is cram up into 1 month - we have so much to cover from service wise, safety and first aid and aviation security took us 6 days! And it's draining out alot of my energy. Waking up 0600HRS and just to reach 5 minutes before class starts - 0900HRS. And the fact that I've got no papers to survive its even harder. Thank god so far on the paper side, I've got certain people that are helping out. God bless you guys seriously! :-)

DON'T WORRY, WHEN IM STABLE THAN IT'D BE ON ME OK? P R O M I S E.

I'm sorry if anyone is hurt during recent matters.

I know maybe sorry is not enough, especially coming from me but I want to share my part of the story. I never had any intention at the beginning of everything - because I never actually thought things would spark up again. But yes I would be lying if I'd say that I was not interested. Then we started to hang out alot, when to parties - obviously in a group. We got quite close, the feel of care appeared, attraction was there, obvious flirting and sometimes a lil tease. Until one day, it started affecting us and feeling of 'what the fuck is going on?' or in a shorter term, confused crawled up our mind.

First confrontation happened, from him - he pointed out that he doesnt want to send the wrong signals to me. He clarified the whole situation and made it clear that we're just friends. I was upset I admit but I was damn hell of a good actor. Pulled the "..yea I'm ok, don't worry. I guess as much as well..'. You would thing that after all that you wont meet for awhile but I thought NO I dont want to show that I lost, I dont want to show that I was actually upset and I still acted as cool as possible. So we still continued chillin out as per normal and then here it comes again, another confrontation. And I think it started because of my MSN status - cant remember what tho.

This time we still maintained the fact that we're friends but now there was a lil confession of feelings to. So yea, we both agreed that attraction is there; the feelings are different now but blaming it to time constraint, and the fact that I was starting work already and then I'll be going off for a quite a long time and a few other points. Still after that, things didn't change in fact it got even more heated up. We were both just going with the flow, and we didn't actually rush into it. And it got better and better. I never got to know why did he change his mind of things but I'm glad that he is actually willing to give a try. Everything is going really well, and I'm happy and according to him his happy as well.

But I was pushed back when suddenly my surrounding changed. It made me feel as though people think that I'm not good enough for him. Sometimes I even feel that I stole him away. Or maybe "..oh, typical Izmil doing it again..". I never meant it for it to happen, but I'm only human and yes I've made plenty of mistakes and I'm still trying to repent them. The feeling just grew, from a small seed to a beautiful spectacular amazing flower. Some say it's some sort of a pattern of mine - I'm really sorry and I can't say much if that's how you feel because everyone would judge me as my track records are quite known. I guess, when you have the name, clearing it would be something impossible to do.

Guys, I admit I dont know how far this would go but I'm still gonna give a try. I want to take this chance that's been given. And I didnt get this chance the last time. Thing's has been really good recently and I'M HAPPY.

Avoiding?

Maybe I could be paranoid but I feel as though avoiding is the game that your playing. And I just dont know what to do, because I'm so confused. I know my time spent was more with him and I like just went missing - it was all because things we're heating up, butterflies in the stomach and also I didn't want to jinx the situation. I thought when it actually happen then I would tell. But I guess words spread and people started to assume and passing judgements. But most of all I was just confused, I did'nt know whether it'd be the right thing to do but please believe me when I say I really really really didnt mean to hurt anyone.