Its easier said than done!

Its easier said than done. Agreed to that. Its sad how I like to advise my friends and LOOK AT ME; still stuck at HOPING. Maybe in my unconscious mind I dont want my friends to turn out the way I am. Its not like the way I am now is bad, guess not from the outer layer. Maybe if someone were to really stare into my eyes, you could see that my eyes are actually still crying on the inside and wishing hard that someday; it would be back to normal again.

Exactly today, it would be 276 days since my love went away. Ever since then, I've been living my life; living it to the fullest! But, everytime I come home reality kicks me down. How long am I gonna lie to myself? Why must I potray such a strong image in front of everyone but actually deep down inside I'm still hurt; its still bleeding; and yes I ADMIT, IM STILL HOPING! Is it fair that I'm still hurting and he has completely moved on as though nothing happen before.


Til today, every heartbeat; every second; every minute; every day passes me by, my mind or lets just say me questions whether is he alright? Or maybe has he eaten? What is he doing? And then I wonder to myself, does he even think of me the least bit; tears rolls down my eyes because the answer is NO. SO WHY AM I STILL HOOK ON HIM? What makes him so special that til bloody now I'm not over it. I know it takes awhile to move on, but how long more man?! I'm sick of crying for something thats not there; I'm sick of hurting others because I'm still hurting; I'm sick of pretending that everything is alright but in fucking reality its not!

I've tried every god damn way, and still. I've tried hating him (altho I know that wouldnt be the best way because then you would think of a revenge and IM NO REVENGE KINDA GUY!) and still at the end of the day I cant hate him at all. I know i'll be a total LOSER by saying this, but yes if he were to ask me back I would say YES. At my state of mind now though. If i've moved on that I guess it wont happen; but then again IF I'VE MOVED ON THIS BLOODY BLOG WOULDNT BE POSTED INIT? Damn it, I just hate how I'm feeling now!

But yes I haven't gave up. I know, I havent moved on and that Im still hoping; but that doesnt mean that I should stop trying. Maybe I just haven't found someone that could really sweep me off my 2 feet. Or at least, maybe I haven't found peace in myself. But lately, I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. I've been worrying about him lately, and me being an EGOISTIC person does not help. I believe in my instincts. And this definitely doesn't help the process of moving on. A friend told me once "..dear, its ignorance; if you hate you still care; YOU'VE MOVED ON IF YOU NO LONGER CARE.." But how am I not to care, when I cared for him since day one. Another friend told me "..dont bother babe, he has to learn for himself. He needs to learn to be independant and also to learn from his mistakes.."

Im worried; because I know or maybe I'm just assuming he is not capable of it. He never was. And I dont want him to fall on the ground. I've fallen on the ground so hard and I'm still taking time to stand up properly. If he were to fall on the ground, I wouldnt know what would happen. Maybe that someone knew would help him, but how far would that someone new go? As far as I would? I've been through shits with him; I've been cursed by my own family member "..I hope you and him crash on an airplane and die.." and still I stood by him! Would "he" go that far?

I love him, I love him so much. I've accepted his good and bads and I've forgived everything he has done. And yes I'm still hoping.... hoping that I could break his promise again, that once he promised himself before and til I actually move on that would be my only wish and hope every morning I wake up and every night before I sleep.