5am in the morning.

Cant sleep; don't ask why.

Haven't really had a good sleep for a very long time. A dreamless sleep they call it. Sometimes I just want my mind to relax, stop thinking and worrying too much but I guess being the human that we are its hard to avoid that. Its either or. Questions for example, is this all worth it? Am I making the right decision? Can I survive with all this commitments? Whats my future plan? Or maybe is this what I want? After 3 years of working, why am I not stable yet? And the question that pops up every time after pay-day would be HOW AM I TO SURVIVE THIS MONTH WITH THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY?


Ashamed.

Ashamed that, for these past years I haven't been surviving with my own income. With what I'm earning, I could actually survive. And at the end of the day I still have to buat muka tebal and ask from a friend, someone UNKNOWN or parents. I'm ashamed that after 3 years I still cant survive on my own. I may be independent; in the sense I could take care or myself and all but I guess in financial way of looking at it, I CANT! I FUCKING CANT! I've maybe achieved some things in life at a young age, but I just think I'm too young for all this. It goes back to this pepatah I always hear; susah susah dahulu, senang senang kemudian. Bila nak senang ni, asyik susah je? You see I'm questioning again.


Guilty.

Its more of like guilty conscious. I mean, sometimes I just feel like I'm a burden in my family. Already is a one-person-income-family and here I am surviving under them. This is why sometimes I make plans of moving out and all so that I wont be that much of a burden to them, but maybe parents being parents; that sensitive part of them, just not allowing me to move out. Cant they see I wanna be independent? I wanna survive by myself? Then again, I did move out for about 2 years and well it just proves that for now, I cant survive by myself. And obviously I cant use the reason of "..I wanna try to be independent.." to move out because it would definitely back-fire. And to think now I don't pay rent nor bills and still I cant survive. WHY? Another question right?


Taking things for granted; might be the answer to my questions. What say you?

Taking things for granted. I guess that's maybe it. I should start taking things seriously in my life. My work, my career and my surrounding. I cant just live life as though my surrounding would be there for me forever. But well, one thing I did for a start was to end it with the UNKNOWN that has help me survive, and alot I must say. And it gets back to guilty conscious that I wouldn't know how to repay him; ever. So one factor is gone. And yes now its really hard to survive. Believe me. Again, thank you so much sweetie. I would probably be even worse if you didnt play a part in my life and also being one of my main cast in my never ending fairy tale story.


Conclusion.

I'm gonna try again. Before this 25Th, first is to get rid of any junk commitments; and that would definitely help me alot. And then re budget everything. Cut everything in half, or should I go extreme and cut it to quarter? Nahh, just half. LOL. ENOUGH OF STAYING UP LATE NIGHT! OR TRYING TO GET RID OF A CHIN OR 2? OR JUST STOP EVERYTHING THAT RELATES TO THAT! Beauty definitely has an expensive price, and I just cant afford it now. (i like how it ends with now.. Still putting hopes that maybe in the future I could go at it again when I can afford it!) This would be my mission, and yes I want to accomplish it! I'm just hoping my surrounding wouldn't feel distant or awkward or different with the change that I'm heading for. I hope you guys understand that I've gone thru enough rough times; And now I'm going thru more rough times just trying to survive. Wish me luck!


**all this typing and planning only happens when you just haven't had enough rest or sleep (ahemm..) but I'm gonna try it out!